backyard crowing
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stuck in the middle
i really want to kill myself now. i'm so tired.
i don't think i can write what happened today. it's too hard. i don't want it on paper, or anywhere.
today's events can just disappear, i don't care. i don't understand.
i'm so confused. i'm right and i'm wrong. i don't agree with either one of my parents.
they're both so fucked up.
what have i done? what have i not done? i'm guilty and i'm innocent.
fuck them. they're both hypocrites and i see it now better than i ever have before. this is what this semester has done to me. or maybe i've done it to myself.
how can i no longer know up from down anymore? what happened to level-headed janeane? was i ever really real? am i now?
i just want to run away, as usual. it seems i'm never happy wherever i am. i dream and dream and still nothing. maybe i'm only happy asleep, half-living my life.
how do i become those that i love? how do i avoid becoming them?
should anyone be as close as i am to my parents?
are relationships like mine even healthy?
or am i just in a mood?
is dad going to come knocking on the door?
i don't want him here, but something tells me he's coming. i need to get out. i have to get out.
i'm so tired.
maybe the army is for me after all. anything to be away from these nutcases, anything to be right.
he just called again. he wants to put this whole thing behind us. so do i. but won't it creep up again?
how can it not?
when will he change? when will he become more responsible? when will he do what's needed of him? when will he clean his house?
when will she understand? when will she realize that Christmas is his busiest time of year? when will she know he has been sick? when will she find herself lower than him in some ways?
when will they stop talking shit about each other? am i the start of all this badmouthing? do i encourage it? why am i so mean-spirited? why do i hate my loved ones?
if i weren't here, they would likely never see each other again. they wouldn't often talk about each other, because they would rarely think of each other.
why didn't you use a condom?! good grief they're so cheap. protection can't have costed too much in 1985. there you go mom, you too were once irresponsible.
when will i be right? when will i not say anything about how i'm dissapointed? when will i ask for what i deserve?
how do i show mercy yet not abandon myself?
is it possible?
surely God knows.
i must remember it will get better, life will improve. shit happens, but life is beautiful. someday i can move far far away from all of this. someday my business won't be that of my parent's.
and to look on the brightside -- mom has just started taking seasonelle, a birth control pill that makes her have a period every three months. i happen to know she's menstruating right now.
dad is sick. he has a genital issue too at the moment. he's sick, he's in pain, and he's bearing his busy job like a trooper.
this happens to be a crazy time of year for both of them, that's part of why they're going nuts.
i've also just had my finals, and found out i am indeed on academic probation.
i know i'm a letdown.
hopefully a beautiful one.
and blaine is right; relationships like these are all politics. i just voted for mom out of my own accord, and now dad thinks i should be ashamed. i am, and i'm not. fuck them.
happiness is finding a happy medium.
"we don't know, so we wait for tommorow" - tegan and sara's 'hype'
and i'm sorry, we all hold grudges. even mrs. gerbitz, i've seen it with my own eyes and i won't deny it. i can't deny my eyes any longer, they do see evil in the people i care about whether i want them to or not.
nobody's perfect. but i've always known that. i suppose it's a different thing to see it in action. i suppose it's a different thing to lose one's innocence.
a long time ago someone asked me if i felt guilty for my parent's divorce. i told him no, because everyone kept telling me it wasn't my fault. so no, i had never felt responsible.
he had.
now i'm starting to wonder if i have all along.
the fit is hitting the shan.
enough.
5:05 p.m. - 2005-12-21
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