backyard crowing
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these crazy freaks
i'm sitting here in the lounge of jester east, just chilling and listening to a sweet asian girl play the piano. it's 2:54 in the morning, and i should study. i wonder what it is she's playing, she's very skilled. my head isn't killing me like it was an hour ago, the shower and this song help. the computer screen probably doesn't!
she reminds me of dad, he would wake up in the middle of the night and play something, or compose, or solve a math problem.
i was thinking earlier today about my decision to switch to journalism...and i really hope i can move far away from here. it's one of the most important things to me, to move far away from my parents. i cannot be with them, in the middle of their argument. to me, they are two separate people who live two separate lives, and it pains me still. i know i can't live up to either of their standards, so i'm just trying to create my own, to be who i want to be.
this identity problem is especially significant with my mother. we are so alike sometimes it's no wonder we don't get along, yet by the same token she is the ying to my yang, and we could not be more different. she can make me cry over the phone from another city. this is part of why i must be away from her, and away from my dad as well. i need to be in another state, preferably another country. somewhere they can't touch me. somewhere i can hang up the phone and let them bear the grief, instead of worrying myself into oblivion.
i need to live with people who genuinely believe in me, and who don't stop with only saying so. i need to have confidence in myself, because my mother doesn't. but it's so hard, so crazy difficult to be confident in yourself when someone like your mother doesn't believe in you.
with dad it's not the same, but he often has an underlying motive, too...if they think the other parent will react in a certain way, they tend to automatically discredit that opinion. for instance, mom thinks i should take only one summer course this summer, but dad thinks i should just go ahead and get two out of the way. originally i wanted to do two, but now i don't give a fuck. screw summer, it's just going to be one argument after another. that is not to say that it isn't already, but from a distance the stress is not as bad. and therein lies my need to get away from these crazy freaks! i loved san antonio, and i love austin. if nothing else it's because they are not my hometown.
i can't wait to pay all of my bills, it will be a beautiful day to be free from obligations to my parents. i realize that to most people, my situation is grand. i'm getting an education! so far i don't have to pay for much of it! but once this phase of my life is over, look out, world! here i come! miss independent! when i have financial say-so on everything, i will be untouchable. sure, i'll be a poor, but as long as i'm living gobs of miles (and really, i mean GOBS of miles) away from my parents, i'll be happy as a clam. just you wait.
3:26 am - Friday, Apr. 28, 2006
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