backyard crowing
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WILL you GRACE us with your message?
i think i'm starting to like will the more i think about him. he's a really nice kid, and we've said 'jinx' twice, after two conversations. not that it matters, but it is somewhat strange. i am all about the superstition. or teh superstition, that too.
my wireless internet connection is hella slow tonight, so i can't even log in to aim and see if he's online. i haven't talked to him since we had coffee. i want to see him again soon, platonic or not. and before his recital thing on aug 11th. (that is assuming i still have an open invite, which i probably do). i really do want to get to know him better... it wasn't completely clear whether or not the coffee was a date or not, but i don't even care. i had a good, mostly relaxing time and i hope he did, too. we didn't hug each other or anything, i wasn't sure of what to do.
so my father was going to get me as a father's day present--in that i was seriously thinking about moving in with him. now i'm still questioning it, my mother hates me and i feel likewise. there's so much to consider. but the fact of the matter is that she does not respect me. she supports me financially, but not emotionally. i cannot grow with her, and i cannot live with her. we fight everyday, and i cannot handle that kind of stress. i know that i can leave at any time. goodness, i should leave. that would be the best for me. she would also benefit, as BLAM! she'd have a whole unused college fund to dig into. not that i think she has much, but my disowning her would certainly make her pocketbag heavier. i don't really care, because the amount of money she has can change, but her perception of me won't unless i do something truly drastic, like move out. she needs to know that i am not a child, i will never be one, and i lost my childhood at age nine, so independence has been rightfully mine for the past, oh...12 years.
there is one good thing about being raised by mom: i have to watch what words i say so as to not give off the wrong impression. as a writer, one must be aware of exactly how one's words will be interpreted. because around her i must censor every damn sentence i say, i am accustomed to that sort of constant self-editing. as a result i have also lost my self-esteem. thanks, mom.
listening to: the new pornographers. i simply can't get enough of this band.
- Saturday, Jun. 17, 2006
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