backyard crowing
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the couple's descent
I think the most horrible sound in the world must have been the sound of bodies falling from the world trade center on September 11th. I�ve heard they made loud crashes as they hit�I heard about two people holding hands and jumping off. Whoever they were, their story lingers in my mind.
Maybe they were friends, co-workers, lovers, strangers, an office worker and a custodian. But they did it together. They embarked on the final portion of their journey as a team. It�s so far from needing someone to go with you to the movies or the bathroom or a restaurant�they were so brave. I know the situation was jump or be burned, but still�
I wonder what their conversation was like, what they said, how they hugged, if they kissed.
I want to know everything about them and their experience that day, and their history if they were acquainted, but then I don�t, because I can make the story myself.
Where is the literature that came out of this tragedy? When it happened, I said to my dad that we would at least have some interesting novels as a result. I�m probably not reading the right books, surely there is some fiction out on 9/11.
The day reminds me of a part of the movie Little Miss Sunshine, when the suicidal uncle talks to his silent nephew. He says the years of your life that are difficult are the only ones in which you learn anything. When your life is easy, you forget those parts, you�re dumb, you don�t learn anything new. So while September 11th was a tragedy, we were growing.
And going to church. And helping our neighbor. And praying.
I hope some of it lasted in some people.
I don�t understand sometimes why I still think about and consider suicide. This stuff should be so far from my mind. There�s more to life than passing classes and getting a degree. If the degree kills me, why get it? This is where my mom and I go our separate ways. She doesn�t get it. She tells me WHAT I SHOULD WANT. I�m serious. She has said, �this is what you SHOULD want.� She is so full of crap.
The definition of wanting something says nothing about others, because it�s not about others. It�s about you and your wishes, dreams, goals, and a good kind of egotistical selfishness that comes with being human. She doesn�t know it but she is part of the reason I want to kill myself.
I�m just so tired, I don�t want to do this anymore, and she�ll never accept me if I don�t get a damn degree. After all the money she�s put in, blah, blah, blah. It�s not going anywhere anyway, because I�m not going to become a journalist. I�m going to graduate, pay $20 to get bartending training, and hit the pavement for somewhere up north that needs a barmaid. Ideally this would be NYC, but I could wait a couple of years to get there if it meant paying off my college loans would be less stressful.
I can�t change majors at this point. All I can do is graduate, but I�m sick as fuck of this place. Sure, I�ll miss it, I just want to miss it now. I want to just do my sappy leaving-Austin love song and go.
�Get me out of here�� � imogen heap
I�m awfully lonely�I just want a boyfriend already. Wah, wah, waaah. It�s been months since my last makeout session�five months. Longer since my last date, I�m sure. Or maybe not, if you count Victor. I don�t wonder what he�s up to now.
I�m disappointed that my beautiful full bed has never held more than me. I bought it hoping for a cuddlefest. I�m just so sick of being single. I know that nothing could last unless the guy wanted to go to NYC as well, but I still want him in my bed. Yikes. I almost wanted to hook up with patch yesterday. If we ever hang out again, I have to watch my back like woah�I don�t want mistakes to be made, drunken ones or not. Heh, here we go again. I have him, I�m not attracted to him. I don�t, and he�s somewhat hot.
I wish I didn�t think of marc so often when I�m in between the sheets, I need a new king of guys to fantasize about. I truly hope that one night wasn�t the best in my life. It�s odd how you can feel so safe and be so vulnerable, when you�re really in dangerous territory.
I hope I never let go of my standard against men who view pornography. I hope that just because I�m lonely doesn�t mean I�ll succumb to that kind of scum.
Teenie is fighting with rick on the phone again. It bothers me when they do that�I can tell when it�s them arguing even when my door is closed, her door is closed, and she�s talking. It used to be scary, then it became normal, and now it�s scary again. Why does it always happen?
And why is he always here? Why doesn�t she go visit him sometimes? Ridiculous. He doesn�t clean up after himself, he uses the hot water that I pay for, and he eats my food sometimes, although he�s gotten better at that last thing. Once it was cheese, then an egg he never paid me back for, then drinking the rest of my juice when I thought he�d just have a glass. Hmmm�
My stomach�s doing weird things. I wish he wouldn�t be here so often. I mean really, he�s got a home, too. His room is huge, and though he shares it with a roommate, it�s still comfortable enough to chat softly in. he�s so freaking loud when he�s just talking. And he�ll sleep on the couch, and I�ll happen upon him randomly in the mornings when I wake up. It�s annoying�
Of course part of this is the fact that I don�t have a boyfriend and she does, but that part is starting to become less and less significant as time goes on.
I don�t know if I talk to him much anymore, I think I talk less to him. I don�t mean to, it just sort of�happens. He�s not a bad guy, he�s just irritating. I just heard him say, �oh, gross, mold!� He needs to just go away. Like, now. His house is way messier, so just suck it, pal.
I feel like lately I�ve holed up in my room more because of him. And I can�t wear skimpy stuff and go braless around him or jump/dance around stupidly, because he might walk in. And if he does, party�s over. Gah!
I think when he gave me that clay whistle shaped like a bird it was some sort of peace offering contract I didn�t know I was signing. Like, �Here, have this piece of crap that I don�t want that you maybe kind of want since you own parakeets, and I�ll hang out at your place 24/7.�
Let me tell you, it is AWKWARD AS HELL to have a roommate�s boyfriend hanging around when said roommate is nowhere to be found. It�s like, �Hi, guy who doesn�t live here. So tell me, WHAT are you doing here?!� YIKES.
I DO NOT LIKE AN ETERNAL GUEST, no matter how cool he might be. I keep thinking things like, �Well on the bright side, when I get a boyfriend, he can be over all the time and it�s pretty much guaranteed not to be an issue.� But no boyfriend appears. Damnit.
I guess I am just pissed off at guys today, because idiot matt #2 never called to say he couldn�t make it on Friday, nor did he apologize for missing my call to say he was at work, or asleep, or his phone was off. Total blowoff. Abbie says my call didn�t warrant a response, but I expected one. She says when she can�t make it and I invite her to something, she�ll call me anyway and let me know she can�t come�because she cares. But she says she doesn�t do that with anyone else. But if you�re courting someone, or even just beginning to, wouldn�t it at least make sense to ACT LIKE YOU CARE? It�s only logical.
It�s okay that he apparently couldn�t make it, I�m just annoyed that he didn�t call back to tell me so and why. Even a vague �I have plans� would have sufficed at this point. Yes, I would have feared that he had �plans� with some other girl, but I wouldn�t have automatically assumed, not at this stage in this not-actually-in-a-relationship-yet phase.
I feel bad if I don�t RSVP for something, it�s common courtesy unless your phone is broken, decharged, off, whatever.
Perhaps it�s because I am usually not one to do the asking out, even if it is just a friendly outing with another girl. Therefore I�m a bit more sensitive if I�m turned down, and I don�t want to just be ignored if the answer is �no.�
Still, he should have called! Idget! I am torn as to whether to get to class early tomorrow or not. Here are the possibilities:
1. I show up early and he sits next to me
2. I show up early and he doesn't sit next to me
3. I show up late and sit next to him
4. He doesn't show up
I am tempted to go late and not sit next to him, but then again, I am still interested�just annoyed. I want him to come to me. Arrgh, abbie is pissing me off. First it�s �too bad you can�t go with Matt on Halloween,� then it�s �you should ask him out,� and then it�s, �he�s not a bad guy for not calling you back.� I�m pretty sure she�s heading me toward relationship doom on purpose, whether she realizes it or not. Oh, but she realizes. She�s a smart girl who�s really in tune with her subconscious.
- monday, Nov. 3, 2008
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