backyard crowing
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long ass entry. she laughs when people cry.
sometimes i stare at the google screen wondering what to enter into the search box. the cursor blinks, taunting me...i'm at a loss for words, and i'm searching for fulfillment. i type the letter a. no, not any of those phrases are my destiny. b? c? nothing seems to match the mood.
i just need a little something to get me through the day, something before i take on my duties, something to make today meaningful. something that tells me i matter.
i don't know why i look for reassurance from a computer, it doesn't seem likely that that would work. a box of wires and chips and a fan humming and a screen glaring at me, ruining my eyesight a little at a time don't make me think of something that would inspire transcendence...at least not at first.
but what about your long, e-mails that make me sweat? or the blog entries about anything that ever crossed your mind, significant or miniscule? how about the instant messages we saved with their sweet nothings and 'say somethings!' and the way you whispered "goodnight" at the end of every video, your eyes softening?
think of the scathing text messages, the passive aggressive twitters, the hangups, the unanswered calls and the voicemails of rage.
and then think of the forums on love, healing, the dating websites, the postsecrets, the websites in memory of people, dogs, anything...
think of the girl who learned how to edit videos but even better how to edit herself into happiness.
or the gay guy who's coming out for the first time to an online peer.
consider the soldier reading e-mail from his family, his girlfriend, his kids, and think of how their words make his eyes well up, how the day's work feels somehow lightened just from knowing they care.
or the kid who finds a biological parent on an adoption site, or a sperm donation site. think of that first message, and how his heart beats as his eyes dart across the screen.
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"my sherona" song by the knack - it's awesomeocity defined
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we have this logical way of looking at love,
love is a choice
you have to think it through, work at it
you have to think years ahead of yourself even when you're on the first date because this is your LIFE we're talking about here, and if in 20 years you're still with this person, every moment now counts
and this poetic, romeo and juliet way of looking at love
you love them and you can't help it
you go with the flow, live in the moment, don't worry about the future
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i've probably learned more about friendship from abbie than i have anyone else. not to say that's she's always been an excellent friend, and not to say that i've always been an excellent friend, but overall, i've learned lots about the institution of friendship from her, and i think she'd say the same of me.
she did something i'm really not proud of...but i guess it's not my place to say anything.
i'm torn in that i don't know who to follow. God? my parents? my friends?
who do you place your loyalties with first?
do you support your best friend, even if she's acting like an asshole? do you point out to her that what she's doing isn't right? do you accuse, are you indignant that such a great person would do this? is "tough love" the right thing, is that what a true friend would do, as my mother says? or does a true friend lie to you, support you no matter what, trust you, and never act meanly toward you, even when you're being crazy or stupid?
here's the situation: i know (from experience) that if i tell her what i'm thinking about what she's doing, she'll just shrug it off, because she does what she wants. if i get angry with her, she'll apologize, be passive aggressive, and secretly laugh hysterically, because she is a person who laughs when people cry.
go figure. often i can't believe she's going to be a psychologist, she's so insensitive. i need to make sure that if she says 'to hell with psychology' after she's done with 8 years of studying it, i'm supportive. she may have a great mind for the logic of it, but emotionally, she just...well, she LAUGHS at people who she hurts, she laughs when they cry. she laughed when she made 'hecto' cry and she probably laughed when she made me cry. it pisses me off, frankly.
if i shut up about this thing she did, or i tell her she's doing the right thing because revenge is sweet and that guy deserved a slice of humble pie, then i'm spoiling her, and essentially saying 'i think this awful part of your personality should blossom.'
abbie says family comes before God, but i just don't see how that's logical. your family isn't divine, it's flesh and blood. when things get crazy down on earth, you look to the sky for answers, not vice versa. at least that's how i see it.
but then that doesn't make much sense either. if you're following God only when 'things get crazy,' you're not such a reliable believer, you're just into religion when the shit hits the fan.
but if you look at it oppositely, from abbie's perspective, you're saying that you always trust in God and do what It says until your family needs you for something, and then you'll go follow them and forget about none other than...your maker?!
trusting in God fully seems like the only way to live. our relatives aren't God. God is in them, but they have the choice whether or not to let God shine through them. but God is always present, no matter how much people hide God from shining through...
abbie keeps badmouthing warren and it's almost to the point of making me crazy. OKAY ALREADY, I KNOW HE'S A DOUCHE. but it's not even those sorts of comments that make me the most crazy. it's the 'i'm going to become totally awesome, and he's not. he won't get his degree, he'll be dirt poor, he won't find a good girl, and he'll have health problems.' and then she goes on to say, 'i'm going to be rich, have a ton of education, live a long and healthy life, get a great husband because i'm awesome at that, and have kids who i see everyday and truly love.'
while these assumptions are probably mostly true based on the current state of things (he seems reluctant to pay for night classes, he makes 40K per year, only 24K are for child support and 16K are for him, he's despicable, and he smokes a ton of pot, then on the other side she's already graduated and is going for her master's and doctorate degrees, she's always incredibly health conscious, men adore her, and she's determined to have and care for her kids), they get old when you hear them over and over.
anyway, i'm really not getting to the point at all. the real reason i'm writing this is because of the story she told me:
her ex boyfriend charles left her last april during her birthday weekend. he was going to come up that friday night, from his military school 3.5 hours away. they met online. so anyway, he said he was going to come up, but then he cancelled and said he didn't want to date her anymore...but by that time, she had turned her parents down for her birthday dinner and weekend, saying she had other plans with friends. so that weekend sucked for her. for me too though, we hung out in her room for practically 3 days straight.
okay, so fast forward to a couple of days ago. charles hasn't spoken to her since the breakup, and he texts her to say 'hi.' he laments that she quit the dating site, and no longer has any pictures of her. 'well,' she replies, 'that's easily fixed.'
so she sends him pictures of her...NUDE pictures! and then that night they get on video chat and he does a solo show for her. at this point, abbie has no feelings for him except sexual ones, so she's having fun with it. she lets him believe that she still resides in austin, and he says he's going to austin this very weekend to see his sister. so she leads him to believe that she'll be up for stuff when he gets there. she also leads him to believe that she's starting to have feelings for him. little does he know, when he arrives in austin, she's going to say/text him: "sorry babe, i'm in b-ville now, i graduated, you're too late." then she's never going to talk to him again.
while this is clever revenge, i don't think it's ever a good idea to lead someone on. she herself said she hated that W led her on, and that is a very, VERY fresh wound. perhaps that's why she's choosing this vengeful path. it not only erases her sadness from when she and charles were together, but from when she and W were together, too.
i have to wonder if the main reason he's coming to austin is because of abbie, and not the sister. i wish we could see his face during this conversation. maybe in heaven! instant replay! ahhhhhh! that was a tough blow, guys!
i noticed that our 16-page IM session from yesterday was 12 pages about her, and then for the last 4 pages the subject changed to me, and then she had to sign off. i'm not really bothered by that because she's going through a breakup, i've got to give her some leeway. but i did the page count for the fun of it...and it's fascinating that 75% of people are extroverts and 25% are introverts. translation: we all know abbie is extroverted and i am introverted, so according to this chat session, we existed in the exact same percentages. 75% of the time, she was in the spotlight, 25% of the time, i was. but once i was on stage, i only had a limited time to state my case, i guess because i'm shy, and therefore less interesting.
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note: google how to rid your sexual fantasies of a particular person.
(marcus)
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it seems like there's a right way and a wrong way to live life, but some people manage to live the wrong way and be okay. but for the rest of us, we live the wrong way and everything goes to shit.
and these people, these miraculous do-badders/revolutionaries who somehow manage, they think they're living the right way, and that if the do-gooders only joined them, the world would see that there are miles and miles of grey areas.
those of us who don't play by the rules don't always jump into relationships in the same way. they don't put up the same barriers, they don't outlaw certain topics for the first date, they don't see the red flags, they're too forgiving. and they're risking it all based on the fact that they want a better life for themselves, they want to be different and try new things and go against the rest of society not necessarily to be rebellious but to test mores/norms.
sometimes these people succeed, and then the 'do-gooders,' if that's even the appropriate name for them, see that relationships don't have to be by the book. and sometimes that's good for them, but then other times it's rotten because they go out and try to break the rules and their hearts get broken.
and on a totally different note...
i wonder, if i died, would my parents stop talking to each other? or would it be even more of a reason not to talk to each other, since their only bond now is me? would there be a memorial service? who would come? who would come out of politeness? who would fly in? how about my grandparents, would the four of them start talking? would the stories they told about me be secretly needling each other for some past transgression they had made? would there be an open casket? donation to science? incineration?
i hope they wouldn't play crappy music. i think you should mourn to something transcendent/awesome/a mix of fast and slow, not a depressing hymn. in church as a kid i would always start yawning while singing hymns. they were so slow that instead of absorbing the lyrics like you're supposed to, i was drifting off, and if we'd sung hymns in double time i'd be ten times as likely to get the message from the words.
i also remember singing slowly as i looked over the words at a much quicker pace. church is such a strange institution. i really ought to go back.
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today at whole foods i saw a guy who i think i've seen before.
he has dark curly hair, a sweet, innocent smile, and he's a bit chubby.
he looked at me, and i looked at him, and i thought i was in his way, so i said, "pardon me," (how very intriguing), and he said something like no problem. then i got in line for a register and he came back a few seconds later and said, "well, i was going to ask you if you needed help finding anything, but i guess you just needed a register." then i said, "oh, yeah, thanks though!" and smiled.
i think i've seen him twice before...if i'm not mistaken.
the first time i was with abbie, and she didn't notice him much, she was too busy looking at the chocolate. he asked something like, "are you guys going to party tonight?" and i sort of looked around at her to answer and said in a high voice, "noooo..." He chuckled and said something to the effect of "it's always the quiet sweet ones who are up to no good!" then i was awkward and thanked him very much. why? because he actually thought we were badasses even though we were at whole foods on a friday night.
the second time i was with teenie, and we were in the freezer aisle. he was there again organizing the vegetables and i said, "oh, sorry, am i in your way?" and he said, "no, you're not in my way. do you want me to be in your way?" i think i said, "i don't know..." because i was only vaguely catching on to his sexual reference. then he says, "if you were it would be kind of good...or awkward..." and then teenie regaled me with something about food and i switched my attention to her after giving him a bewildered look and laughing a bit.
later during that same trip i asked teenie, "was that guy...was he flirting with me?" she said, "oh yeah, he was wanting to continue the conversation." and then of course inwardly i was a little upset that she had distracted me. i'm thinking it was in her best intentions, though.
it seems like there was a third time i saw him, when we just smiled and nothing more, but i don't know.
so we've had a lot of little interactions (although i'm not 100% sure that all of them were him), and maybe if i memorize the floor plan i can surf the aisles for him like i've done before, then when he asks me if i need help, i'll say i need something way across the store, so we have time to chat. :) oh, i am so good. i have learned absolutely loads from abbie, social dominatrix!
- friday, jan. 16, 2009
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