backyard crowing
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bodies - love your own, and other people will love theirs
feeling a bit lonely today, don't know why. it's 3:11 am, that could have something to do with it. i'd rather be me than some busy parent who HAS to sleep to survive. i need sleep to survive, but not like a parent does. 18 years + is an awfully long time to be heavily supporting a life.
"you are the burden / of my generation / i sure do love you / let's get that straight!"
- paul simon
i just want to hug someone or cuddle with someone. i want to see bobby again, or someone anyway, and get into a relationship. i'm a romantic. i'm silly. i'm presenting a cheesy play about love on thursday. i hope it's not completely ridiculous. i wanted to give the part of the love interest, montego, to andy o., my real life love interest...but he showed up late! so i gave it to a gay guy, the one who i had hoped was straight. his name is joshua, and he wants to write and move to nyc, too! it's thrilling to meet someone who shares your dreams, even if they are just friends. and lord knows i love gay men!
bobby says via chat today that it takes a lot to make him happy or sad, that he doesn't get very emotional. it makes me wonder if i'll ever be able to make him happy, or if i should just give up now. that and i wonder if he could deal with me and my vast emotions. i cried today, laughed, a lot of things happened today...a lot of things happen a lot of days. i'm not a crybaby, in fact i don't really know what that is. i just know that i probably cry a bit more often than most people, especially most men, since they're trained to hold those toxin-laden tears in.
thanks society, for making our men sick from their tear toxins. :(
i'm clearly not like bobby, emotionally. he has a thick shell, he's a "tough guy," he throws people around. but inside, he says he's very sensitive. why can't he let that show? he says he started the shell in high school, to protect himself from idiot high schoolers that like to make fun. and so apparently it's lasted this long. i don't know that i'd last long in his life, i get the feeling we'd rub each other the wrong way. either that or i would show him that it's okay to be sensitive, or he'd show me that it's okay to be assertive. or both.
maybe the whole reason he's telling me all this is because he wants me to break down his boundaries, he wants to let someone in. i wouldn't blame him. there's a really beautiful postsecret card that says "sometimes people put up walls to see who will care enough to knock them down."
yvet's relationship just died, she told me today. i hate when people don't let me in. i know you can't open up to just anyone, and i shouldn't feel this way, but when we're all lonely (and we are almost all lonely,) i feel like we have to reach out to make it in this life. yvet and i...i know we're often unhappy. we just never talk about it to each other. i really hope my next roommate will be better, more of a friend. maybe i hope for too much. i realize some roommates just want to be your roommate, and nothing more...but my roommates are my family, if i can help it.
i'm sure the birds don't help matters.
i kind of want to kiss a girl. even if it's just once, i would love to experience it, abbie says they're a lot gentler and more perceptive. i feel like it's something i need to do, maybe to figure out if i'd want to go further. i think i would enjoy a girl's kiss, but i don't know if i would LOVE a girl's kiss. and if i loved it, maybe i'd want to go further. then i feel like i might have a better grasp on my sexuality, because the further i wanted to go, the more bisexual i would become. at least that's how it works in my eyes.
abbie once told me that lesbians and bisexual women love curious girls, and being their first adventures in ladyland. i think she's partly right, partly wrong. i think there are those that would love to introduce we bi-curious people to the world of girl-on-girl action, but i think there are plenty of others who are sick of that and don't want to be used, who want instead to find their soulmates, or at least a REAL lesbian or bisexual girl.
if i could find those women who like the experimenting, i think i'd be on the right track. i know lesbians and bisexuals, but they are my friends. mixing friends and experimentation can be a friendship-fatal drug, and i wouldn't want to risk it, unless maybe everyone was drunk or high.
my gay friends are so proud of their bodies--and they're beautiful, no matter their shape or size. they've got heart, spirit, confidence. they are self-assured. they take partially nude photos of each other and post them on facebook. some are individual pictures, some are in groups...and they aren't afraid to stare at the camera and look sultry. they just go with it. they love their bodies, it's inspiring.
alley said "i know i'm hot," a couple of times as she argued at why she shouldn't have to go out and hit on a guy. i love her for saying that because really, her body type isn't too far from mine. i may be a little heavier, but not by very much. so i feel beautiful now, because she does. it's amazing how that works...
it's wild to me how simply loving your own body can make other people love their bodies, too. this gives us another reason to love our bodies--if we don't, how can we expect other people to love theirs? and then we're stuck with the media telling us what beauty is!
i think this whole body-loving posse is in sharp contrast to abbie. sure, she claimed she had no qualms about her body (and really, she's gorgeous, so who would?), but she also scrutinized every last detail of her appearance. she talked a lot about bodies, what was attractive to men, etc. she cared a lot about that stuff...too much, i think. these people care too, but they embrace in a way that she didn't. they do their hair, they put on their makeup, they don the clothes...but they don't spend three hours doing it. and they take pictures of themselves, lots of pictures. and they're scandalous. sexual. unrestrained. on fire. they just look at what they have, embrace it, and show it off.
really, it isn't just a good idea to do this, it's good character. the world needs confident people to keep on running, and loving your body is one of the first steps to self-confidence, i'd say.
your body is a treasure given to you by God. what will you do with it? what would God say? how will admiring your own body help others to do the same?
3:11 am - wednesday, march 25, 2009
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