backyard crowing
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
relationships and stagnance
I feel like I was a much more interesting person before I committed to R.
I was looking back at my "On This Day" page on FB.
Four years ago, I was thinking about joining a commune. R and I were newly coupled, and East Wind looked really fun and different.
Two years ago, R and I got engaged. Pretty awesome!
I used to be much more my own person, much more exploratory, much more creative. I did stuff. I went out, traveled what little I could afford to, and liked people. I had interests across the board.
And I still do, I just feel those things are being squashed. So few of our interests are in common...
I don't know what I can talk to him about. The groceries, the apartment, the landlord...his work, until I get bored. My work, until he gets bored.
(Note: both of us get bored pretty easily.)
We could talk about movies? Oh, but our tastes are nothing alike.
Music? Again, fairly different.
Psychology? I'm not sure he believes in it as a legit science... despite that his father has a master's in psych.
I'm complaining a lot here, about a man I do honestly love. I want to see us work out. And I suspect we will. But I'm also afraid...
Because I haven't contributed much financially. Because some days I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed. Because I feel like a mooch. Because I feel like a hanger-on. Because I LIKE paying for my own shit, I love the feeling of independence.
I watch these YouTubers who are single and I get jealous of them. They get to flirt. They have men saying flattering things to them.
And I don't have that at home, not really. I don't sense that he means compliments when he says them, because they sound so bland coming out of his mouth.
Actually, most things sound bland coming out of his mouth.
I guess I wanted a more interesting partner in life, someone with more inflection and social graces. Someone who wanted to leave the house.
But you can't win them all. And while some might consider these dealbreakers, I wouldn't be so sure.
I want my next post to be more cheery.
12:41 am - Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|