backyard crowing


a series of depressing events

i sent in my appy yesterday to face, and the lady e-mailed me back. This was her response:

The job has been filled.
Thank You, *name*

good grief. i don't understand, my dad said that one of the TWO positions had been filled, not both of them. she knew who i was b/c of my last name for goodness sake. sometimes i really hate my dad. like now, for instance. he's too pushy. he never helps me when he tries to, he just makes my life worse. get out of the way, dad. i mean, it's not like i had my heart set on that stupid job--i didn't. it's just that i thought it was available, and sending in my application and getting that kind of response was the equivalent of asking for something that obviously doesn't belong to me. it sucked. and what kind of a note is that? it was ONE SENTENCE LONG. surely she has more time than that. i don't ever want to go back to that church again. i don't care what interesting things are happening. i don't want to support my dad. he can have his fun, but he had better not invite me to anymore stupid events. i hate events. i hate people. i am a very messed up person.

oh, yeah - and my dad's phone calls! they're like 2 seconds long, and he wants to know how my day has been. he's always on his way to work when he calls me, or he's at work and has five minutes to do nothing with, or he's falling asleep, or he's with his friends in a loud restaurant. what kind of meaningful banter are we supposed to talk about in short little blips like that? huh? i don't get it. i get the feeling he really doesn't care.

and wtf??? my parents don't speak to each other anymore about ANYTHING? Ever? it pisses me off.

i just want to get the hell out of here. i want to get my A's and B's, go home, get a job somewhere, and lose myself in a harry potter book. i'm so sick of reality. it kills me.

i'm not sure i want to do french as a major anymore, either. i took a french test today and was miserable throughout the whole thing. i remember when i used to enjoy french tests. i remember caring, and relishing every correct answer, every quirky verb ending. now i just guess, and i don't give a shit whether or not it's right. i admit my love affair with the french language is at times more passionate than others, but is it finished? can i bear even another semester of french? i don't know. i just don't want to continue with it if it's not my true passion. i don't want french to be my 'band' of high school. i can't waste time taking classes i don't need.

i feel like none of my friends really know the true me. i don't share with them anything. they all seem like fair-weather friends. their is no meaning in any of my friendships. and why are chicks so friggin' sensitive? sometimes i just want to cut my head off, or dissapear, or faint. fainting at appropriate times could prove to be quite useful.

mostly i tell my juicy secrets to mom, i guess. what college student in their right mind tells their mother (almost) everything that happens in their life? i am weird, and i know it. and i don't want to tell my mom this crap, but i want to tell someone. in the words of erin, "You need to get a boyfriend."

Speaking of boyfriends...i highly doubt now that Chris was asking me out last sunday. he hasn't called since then, and then something (or nothing, rather), happened yesterday. usually Chris leaves fairly early after we are dismissed, and i think it's because he has a class right after english. so anyways, i walked out, trying to discretely follow him. then we arrived at a fork in the hallway, and i said "See you later." he, (not realizing i was semi-following him) replied, "Oh, see you later. I, uh..." I just think that if he liked me he probably would have sought me out after class to chat, since we really didn't get a chance to during class. (he came in late).
grrr...where has my good mood gone?
yesterday i was feeling so happy to even just be his friend. perhaps the prayers are wearing off? ha. one good thing about today is that grandad and grandma sent me a twenty. yay! dad told me maybe G&G are going to sell the farm and move to the city. it's about time. grandpa is already a whopping 70 years old, he has no business doing strenuous farm work anymore. so yesterday was granddad's birthday, and mom called me to remind me to call him. i called him (and grandma, too, of course), and we chatted for a few minutes. they asked me about mom's visit last weekend. i told them that i gave her a campus tour, we went out to eat, and we saw a movie. they then asked me what movie we saw. "The Ballad of Jack and Rose," i told them. then granddad says, "Oh, i figured you'd see...what is it called? The Amityville Horror. You don't like horror films, do you?" so of course, i said that no, i didn't want to see that movie, and no, i don't typically watch horror films. he replied, "Yah, there are some crackpots who actually like that kind of stuff." so according to my maternal grandfather, i am now a crackpot, and so is my love interest. grrr. on the subject of phone conversations, i had an awfully strange one last night with some guy named cody who i've never met. he rang at about 1:30 am this morning, expecting his friend James to pick up the phone. he goes to st. mary's, and he's a psyc major. it was a bit odd, but i was feeling really lonely at the time. i still am, i guess. there elyse was, talking on her cellphone to joey, and there i was, trying unsuccessfully to sleep. i was thinking to myself, "I really want a guy to talk to. I really want to just talk to someone of the opposite sex for awhile, if only to hear a voice deeper than mine." And then the phone rang! How strange. I'm surprised he actually continued talking to me. As i said before, it was a bit odd. it's high time i eat a meal today. i'm going to the bank to deposit the twenty bucks. goodbye. fare thee well.

2:35 p.m. - 2005-04-21


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