backyard crowing


chris is infuriating me and i'm feeling like a jerk now i'm feeling stupid about a couple of things.

elyse and i were talking last night, and she told me more about her "male dependency". i feel like a jerk for writing that last entry. she does have a problem, and now she has realized it. now she's staying single for a while to figure herself out. and she says SINGLE single -- no friends with benefits, no nothing. (yay. i hate friends with benefits...i could never do that).
fwb goes against everything i stand for. if i kiss a guy, it's because i feel strongly about him. i don't go kissing random people. a kiss from me means i consider you very VERY special. sorry. that's just the way i am. besides, why would a guy want to be fwb with me? i'm the goody goody two shoes type. they wouldn't even bother to ask! (and that is GOOD, because i would lecture them like crazy if they did).

oh, and i'm also feeling like a jerk b/c of that entry about the whole job thing. turns out the job at FACE is available after all! good grief. i'm not so sure now that i want to take it. i've already gotten so mad at my potential future boss, that perhaps i'd rather not meet her. you know what i mean? (okay, i KNOW i am writing to no one here, but oh well). what i'm trying to say is this:
i have already resorted to cussing about this lady. do i really want to meet her? do i really want to work for her? it's like i know i have bad karma, and i don't want to push it.
i'm being awfully superstitious, huh? oh well.

today i went swimming. i hate my social anxiety. i waited for thirty minutes playing snake on my cell phone in the locker room before going to swim. i was afraid i'd need to ask somebody to share their lane. what is my problem? grrr...oh well.

sooo...yesterday i got hurt in more ways than one.
chris calls me a couple of hours before class starts, and asks me if i know if we are writing our in-class paper in english today. so i say, "yes, it begins today, and we have three in-class days to do it." we talk a bit more and i say, "do you have a bluebook?" he has a bluebook. he informs me during the conversation that he's just calling me because he had a question. in other words, he is uninterested in me, and simply needed to know what we would be doing in class today. he was too lazy to pull out his syllabus. so he called me.
later that day, i hastily walk to english. i encounter him, who is walking the other way, towards the university bookstore. naturally, i say "hi." it is two minutes until class starts. he tells me that he is about to go buy a bluebook. so, he lied. now, it was trivial, but he still wasn't honest. i offer to give him one of my extra bluebooks, and he accepts, saying, "i was actually just going to go steal one, because i don't have any money. i spent it on lunch." soooo....he steals? well, darn. we would not make a good couple, because i like not being arrested. then we walk to class together, and he rambles about how he is excited to be going back to good 'ol florida on may 25, my birthday. (of course, he doesn't know that i know that he's leaving on the 25th, or that the 25th is my birthday. that's because i am an internet stalker. hehehehe!!!) anyways, we sit down. he takes a seat two spaces behind me rather than directly behind me. why the distance, pal??? then i hand him the bluebook that i mentioned earlier. a minute or so later, margo walks in. she turns to chris and says, "hey, did you call me about the writing thing we're doing today?" he replies, "yeah...uh, i found out. thanks, though." so he called margo before he called me. if he was really interested, he would have called me first. he would have been happy to have an excuse to call a girl he was interested in. so, in short, i am infuriated and hurt. the day ended with me stumbling over a curb in the parking lot last night (while carrying 32 bottles of sparkletts) and skinning my knees. that's okay, though. i now have a sweet rip in the right knee of my favorite jeans!
and you know something? chris is not FOR me. and i knew that. i knew right well that chris and i were never meant to be. but hey, at least now i've had my first date, so i don't feel so...what is the word? lonely? unattractive? impossible to date? one or all of those, i guess. now i know i've been out with a guy, and i can do it again. this gives me immense satisfaction. i am datable.

reasons why chris and i could never be:
-he called margo before me
-he now sits two seats behind me
-he's willing to steal a bluebook if he doesn't have one (i would never do that, i would just ask around for one, good grief!)
-he smokes (and not just nicotine, pot too)
-he sees horror films (which hey, i could get used to them, but it's just not my thing typically)
-he's moving back to FLORIDA, so any hope of a relationship is pretty much nonexistent
-he has a gazillion girl friends (sorry, i am not a competitor--only if it is for the right guy, and chris is not the right guy--for me, anyways)

voila. seven valid reasons why chris and i could never be. now all i have to do is stop liking him. i think the problem is that i put too much time and energy just THINKING about him, that now i need to readjust and put him out of my mind. a relationship with him just wouldn't make sense. then again, i am all about unlikely relationships. often relationships don't make sense--and that's the beauty in them. like romeo and juliet, for example. it makes no sense whatsoever that the offspring of two feuding families would fall in love, but they do. and it's beautiful. again, i stress that relationships DO NOT NECESSARILY ALWAYS MAKE SENSE. i just know for a fact that i'm not going anywhere with chris ever again, unless it is a friendly outing only. no more dates with chris. no siree, sorry, charlie. hehehehe.

mmmkay, i guess that's about all that's been happening in my life right now. interesting as always!

annabelle :D

9:49 p.m. - 2005-04-26


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