backyard crowing



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some better haiku - my 50th entry!

THIS IS MY 50th ENTRY! IT'S ALSO MY WOULD-BE 1-WEEK ANNIVERSARY WITH CHRIS! IT'S ALSO A FRIDAY, THANK GOD! Friday, April 29, 2005 4:00 am
Wow. I just realized that I didn’t write anything in a blog today (er…yesterday) yet.
Amazing.
I’m not sure what I’ll say to Chris tomorrow. Perhaps nothing. I don’t want to talk to him, it would be painful…I just hope he’s not mad at me. I think I embarrass him. No, I know I embarrass him. What kind of a relationship is that? “Here’s my girlfriend, the nerd.” Anyhow, we are too different to ever be a thing. He doesn’t necessarily believe in Hell, so voila major difference. I don’t know what I’ll say tomorrow. I had several great ways to attack him set up in my mind, but now I think every last one of those lines seems immature. I so wanted to be his friend, at the very least.
At least I’m feeling something again. Or at least I think I’m feeling something.
I’m wishing I wasn’t feeling anything for him. But it’s difficult to just forget, to move on in an instant. I spent so much time sitting around thinking about this guy.
I don’t know what I was doing thinking about him. He is out of reach in so many ways.

I saw this quote on Kendall G’s facebook:
“Always be with someone who loves you just a little bit more than you love them.”

…this is sort of weird. I always figured love is best when it is equal. (In other words, you love him and he loves you exactly the same amount). And how do measure love, anyway? You CAN’T! It’s impossible. Tell me when someone concocts a unit of measurement for the one thing everyone needs. But that is part of the beauty of love. Love is uncontainable! And sometimes it’s unconditional.

Uncontainable
Love fills a room and explodes
Into the open

Finally! A haiku that I love, and ironically it is about a love that is not romantic per se. I’m writing about love in general, here. The “room” could be a sanctuary of people filled with love for God, or just a person worshipping by himself.

“explodes” in this poem could be replaced by “seeps out” (ehhh…but “explodes” just sounds better)

Doors a-bursting a
Crowd is worshipping their God
Sing Hallelujah

I am liking this continuation.

Hands raised Jesus praised
Hearts beating children leaping
Mighty God hears us

Tonight is perhaps my inspired night.

LATER, at 6:14 pm on the same day

listening to: elyse's phone conversation

http://members.diaryland.com/edit/notes.phtml?user=bantenhut

voila. there is my notes page, so if you want to leave me a note, feel free. then again, no one is going to read this, so if i actually get a note i will be surprised.

"Talking about art is like dancing about architecture." David Bowie

gotta love that quote! (and gotta love david bowie).

i didn't really talk to chris in class today. he forgot to do a works cited for his paper at home, so he had to to it in class. he said, "you look nice and clean." i thought about replying "well, i bathed," but i figured it would be too sarcastic or flirty - or both. it would have been a funny comment, though. infact, now i wish i had said it. oh well. seize the day, right?

"Life is a series of moments. Seize yours!" -Matt Damon's character in Dogma

hehe. what a hysterical movie that was. chris was looking a bit scruffy today - more than usual. perhaps he is trying to get me to not like him by appearing unattractive? hopefully not. that would be absolutely mean. i hate it when guys know you like them and they like you but are cowards and won't say something. they do idiot things like act in ways that they KNOW will turn you off to them just so you will be uninterested. like a guy cussing, for example, b/c he knows you hate it. guys are so evil sometimes. grrr...

i had a conversation today with mom, and we mentioned ross. i haven't really thought about him in a while. he finally joined the facebook a couple of months ago. turns out his mom had designs for he and i. UGH! i guess that's kinda sweet, but at the same time a huge disadvantage to me, anyway. i mean, no kid gets seriously involved with a girl their mother encourages them to date. i'm sorry, it's just an unwritten rule. so while i'm happy his mother was fond of me, it made our potential coupledom less likely. anyways, he isn't straight, doesn't want kids, and is an atheist. so, significant problems would occur, and he wouldn't be attracted to me anyway! anyhow, i don't know why i've gone off onto this ross tangent. i guess that phone conversation really set me off. i admire him. he was a great guy, and i hope only the best for him. he was depressed in high school, and high school is hard enough without having to deal with "coming out of the closet", as we say.

well, i suppose that's everything interesting in my life right now. if i looked so "nice and clean", then why didn't he ask me out again? i am confused.
i still like a boy i shouldn't. (that's CHRIS i'm referring to, not ross)

...the Postal Service is the best electronica band EVER...


4:00 a.m. - 2005-04-29
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