backyard crowing
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i am ariel! cool...
 | You scored as Goofy. Your alter ego is Goofy! You are fun and great to be around, and you are always willing to help others. You arn't worried about embarrassing yourself, so you are one who is more willing to try new things.
Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com |
i am also breaking out. i cannot wait until tommorow. at about 4:30 pm tommorow i will have money and an inspection sticker from dad, possibly goodies from mom, and maybe even a check from grandma, too. YAY. right now the only things i have to munch on in my dorm are 1 cup of ramen noodles, gum, tea, a loaf of bread, and slices of monterrey jack cheese. money and munchies will equal pure happiness demain! hopefully all three things will arrive tamale, but i might not get any of them. oh well. i will hope for the best. voila le progres:
-mom's - mercredi ou jeudi
-dad's - demain
-grandma's - who knows, but at least i know now that it has been sent
soooo....i wait. it will be nice to have money again. i feel like i haven't enjoyed anything i've eaten in the past week. i've been chewing too much orbitz gum, and now i'm convinced aspartame causes zits. no joke.
i am now sitting in my dorm clicking away at the keyboard. the clicking is serenaded by occasional laughs and giggling from my two comrades, elyse and joey. it's nice. i haven't had a lot of parental examples of affection.
i remember kendall saying one day in high school how she thought it disgusting when her parents flirted. but hey, i'd rather have happy flirting parents than divorced ones. flirt away! it's kinda cute, too.
some guy named michael emailed me on myspace. he's 29, i have no idea what he's doing talking to me. oh well. i don't plan on meeting him or anything.
what is it with guys insisting on pictures? it drives me berserk! maybe i should just never try online dating, b/c i always get offended when they ask for a pic and i don't have one. i mean, come on! don't be ridiculous. looks do not make a person. grrr...guys are so superficial sometimes! speaking of superficiality, i saw chris's livejournal entry today. it really concerned me. the poor thing, he's nervous about going back b/c he feels like he has forgotten who he was in florida. and he writes that if he doesn't remember who he was, how can he expect other people to? this kind of situation would make me absolutely queasy. i'm sure he'll fit in just fine, he's a friendly guy. and people change after high school - people who have moved or not. me, i've changed quite a bit. i'm no longer (perhaps unfortunately) the girl who corrects and lectures you if you cuss. i'm less self-conscious and more willing to talk to professors. i'm still shy, that's for sure, but improvement has been made in this thing called social anxiety.
"change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." -somebody
so here's what he wrote:
"im really trying my hardest not to be bored to tears and not to be pathetic in these last 18 days of coping. learned to use a new program to write music. practicing daily with a metronome on the guitar and on the drums. i think its already starting to pay off since ive already developed the habit of tapping my foot unconsciously as i play anything on the guitar no matter how simple. The result is im getting better and playing rhythms and recognizing rhythms and generally keeping time much better. I gotta keep up this metronome training... wish ida started it earlier. Nick is teaching me some drum technique. basics. how to hold the sticks, how to play with your wrists, how to play with your fingers, how to play with the least amount of arm movement... consequently im getting much better at drums.
all of these things, daily metronome practice, this notation program, actually running through my scales everyday (with the metronome), all of it is making me a better musician. I do have to say i might not have learned all of this if id kept my old habits without ever having come here. maybe i learned a degree of moderation and its benefits from this place...
...that doesnt keep it from sucking though. god im so freaking bored this weekend. the most out of the ordinary thing i did this week was go to danielle's apartment and watched some shitty standup comic make shitty penis jokes on comedy central for about an hour as danielle fell asleep. yes, i get there, she falls asleep. my life sucks balls.
oh no wait i cant say that. cause then every fucking hippie in the world will call me an unappreciative spoiled brat. well you know what you hippies?! CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS!
i know my life by no means sucks compared to an ethiopian kid with malaria who cant afford water. i know that. im glad for that. but that doesnt mean i cant feel like crap every now and then. or even get depressed. i hate the way ive been living my life. HATE it. im a bum. i have no social life. i have no job. i have no income. i ran out of money. i got a hundred million parking tickets. every single person i know sucks and probably even silently dislikes me. most of them are overzealous religious fundamentalist types. those are the worst. i didn't ask for this shit. i didnt ask for any of it. i never wanted it to begin with.
whats worse is now i feel so incredibly lost... who was i in high school? who did i become when i got here? why? who will i be when i get home? will i ruin everything? will i lose it all or gain it all? which way is up? what about down? i seemed to have gotten so confused lately. mostly about myself.
every day i wake up and wonder why i couldnt do it. why couldnt i adapt? why couldnt i find my people? why was everyone so cold? why did it seem like every door was slammed in my face? why is it that whenever i caught one of those doors, i was allowed in grudgingly? is no one welcome here? or is it just me? the outcast. never thought of myself as a real outcast. what makes me one now? its talking to people at school and when i finally get some form of interaction going, their real friends show up and im left behind again. its finally talking to somebody only to be given an excuse and ditched five minutes later. its walking around and seeing no familiar faces. its finally finding familiar faces only to have them walk right on by as if they never met you in the first place. its that awkward feeling in class when a group of friends are talking and laughing and you awkwardly sit there, off to the side, wishing so much to be a part of the scene you see playing out in front of you, but being ignored again instead. its wanting so badly for somebody to just send a hello my way. or maybe a smile. anything to let me know im here and not some sort of ghost.
"No one can tell even if I fell one hundred stories down."
-Alkaline Trio
now i understand why people kill themselves. not that i want to or was planning on anything of the sort. I just now can relate to them. ive felt the feelings of lonliness and hopelessness and abandonment too. The only difference is they get it much worse than i did and they have no way out. i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
its almost over... am I really ready? so much self doubt. im so nervous about going back. what if they don't recognize me? If I forgot who I am who's to say everyone else didnt?
mixed feelings going back home. excitement, anxiety; comfort, fear. I need to get out of here. look at how bad its already screwed with my brain... ive been suffocating
but its almost over now... its almost done..."
i don't know...i just can't be mad at him now. but i'll still confront him tommorow. he WILL know that i know that he defriended me!
i'm serious about this, though. if i don't confront him, i am abandoning myself. when someone steps on your shoe, you get angry and then ask him why. i am now in a situation where my foot is panging and i must question he who dares to offend me. if i don't, i am accepting his rudeness.
...then again, i am having second thoughts all of a sudden. am i chickening out? would Jesus confront Chris and say, "hey, why did you do that?" would He do nothing because He knew that Chris was having a hard time in general right now? i don't know. now that i think about it, i shouldn't take offense. after all, i am just a human--or an alien aka Christian, rather. Strong Christians rarely become angry. usually only issues about God ruffle their feathers. that is how i want to be. i now face a struggle within myself. there is no middle ground this time, i either confront the boy or don't confront him. i just don't want to be one of those people who passes acquaintances by, who dislikes them in silence, who doesn't include people like Chris who feel as if they are outsiders. this journal entry is a powerful one, he definitely thought before he typed. how he can display to all his friends something so personal is beyond me, but hey, to each his own. elyse does the same thing. everybody in her immediate friend group knows her xanga page, and if she's fighting with a friend/boyfriend, she will post in anger. the people she knows will in turn see this. i don't understand this at all.
i am tearing my hair out. to confront, or not to confront? good grief that's a trite saying. i will pray about it, then. God knows what to do.
i rarely admit to this, but i miss home. i can't believe i'll be there a week from tommorow! it's all passed by me so fast! i really can't believe this. my first year of college has almost ended. i think i learned the most my second semester, about myself especially.
i just deleted all the files that i illegally downloaded. i then deleted soulseek, the program i used to download them. i feel good about my decision, it was the right thing to do.
good night!
9:14 p.m. - 2005-05-03
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