backyard crowing


trying to put my realization into the best words possible

i don't know that i have much to say tonight. i didn't call brian, so unless i run into him at the festival, i probably will never see him again. (the festival is still on, by the way).

listening to: snow patrol

i read some of jimmy's latest myspace entries. i've decided i figured out why i was so attatched to him.
1. he "got" me, he was the first boy to do that(and so far the only one since)
2. he was funny, honest, open, and attractive
3. he looked up to me to a certain degree because of our age difference
i dreamed about him because it was the first time in my life that i liked a boy for a lot more than his looks --and he seemed to be interested in me as well. that interest, however, was only platonic. that is as it should be. people have dreams about getting physical with their bosses, their teachers, their idols, and people in their life whom they would never dream of actually getting physical with in their waking life. i think "cousin" definitely falls into that category of people who might be nice in a dream, but that's the end of it. so it's a psycology solution, it's as simple as that. i dreamed about ross, but i later found out he was gay. i was attracted to my band director in junior high, and a math teacher in high school. jimmy should have been someone who i liked as a cousin and a friend, but after that dream and throughout the reunion i convinced myself otherwise. in a way, i look back at that time fondly. i fell in love, and i really do believe that. if anyone asked me if i had ever been in love, i think i would have to just lie and say no, because no one can know about my feelings for him. then again, they probably already do. i'm quite sure my mom caught on, but she's not addressing me directly about it, thank goodness. indirectly, yes, directly, no. indirectly is enough to make me squirm, though. my thoughts and prayers are with him.

goodnight, jimbo. rest well.

12:10 a.m. - 2005-09-23


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