backyard crowing


nobody ever stays someplace for long

i know what i want in life. i want balance; i want to travel enough, and to stay put enough. i don't always want to be a wandering soul, but i'd rather spend too much time wandering than not enough staying put.

"Nobody ever stays someplace for long
everyone leaves at the end of the song
but I won't if you won't
I won't if you won't
I won't if you won't
if you won't go"

i want balance--just enough staying and just enough going. perhaps just enough staying and just as much going--or more.

ruthie told me the other day about a class she's taking, where everyone writes short stories and then reads them. then their partners (peers) evaluate what they've written the next day. sounds like fun! maybe i can take it as an elective! whooooosh!!!! yup. that would be fun schtuff. i think that's my new word. whoooooooooooooooooosh!

uh huh. that's it.

i'm not really prepared for my practical tommorow, but i'll have three hours to cram for it during the day demain. i did my french hw today...i love movies. screw it, maybe i should just major in theater and be a starving actress. i would be a good starving artist. i would be a good starving musician, too, but i can't play instruments too well. perhaps i'm too concerned with the image of the professions i dream of, rather than what they actually do everyday. i don't know.

"nobody ever stays someplace for long..."

so perhaps i'll have several carrieres.

(the quote is from a song in "Chasing Liberty", i'm not sure exactly what the song is, though)


i love the music to this movie! it's lighthearted and perfect if you're feeling happy and adventurous. maybe i'll try to buy it off of amazon. speaking of which, i'm taking a poll about STDs and i'll get a twenty dollar gift certificate in three months or so! nice.

listening to: some chick's xanga. she has a good playlist.
"Lover I Don't Have To Love", Bright Eyes
"Shine Down", 45

bonne nuit, mes amis ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12:55 pm, same day well, crap. i failed my anthropology test, too. a 67, to be exact. i have now officially failed 4 out of 5 of my first five tests at ut. i am having a bad semester already, and the beginning of the year is when i shine brightest. i told myself my grade on this test would tell me whether or not i wanted to drop a course. unfortunately i can't get any money back at this point if i drop, because they're sons of bitches. what should i do? i should probably drop something, but what? FRENCH and FRENCH CONVERSATION - definitely NOT options BIOLOGY - it's supposed to be so easy, how could i drop that? ASTRONOMY - b/c of daniel? wow i don't even really know the boy and i'm whipped. astronomy would be the most logical choice of drop course, especially considering it's currently my hardest course, but geez. i want to keep seeing him, even though i've only probably talked to him once. who knows, i might rake up the courage at some point. i was idealistic in deciding to take astronomy. smart people take astronomy. daniel takes astronomy. LITERATURE - i've gotta take it sometime, why drop it? PHYSICAL ANTHROPOLOGY - now there's a course i could consider dropping. for one thing, it would mean -4 hours off of my schedule, which would be a load off. the only heitation i have in dropping anthro is well, i love it. i LOVE that class! unfortunately though if i do decide to drop sthg, that will probably be it. *SIGH* college is so much easier in the sims. perhaps the reason i'm doing so badly is because i'm damn lonely. why am i doing badly? (A) because i'm lonely and i feel like crap (B) because i don't study enough (C) because i don't always do my homework as well as i should (D) because these classes are friggin' hard (E) because i am taking 16 hours (19 if you include labs) (F) because i'm not as enthusiastic about school as i was last year (G) because i'm a cap student and perhaps should not have gotten into this school in the first place (H) because it's hard for me to focus in class on what the prof is saying (I) because i'm not getting enough sleep (J) because my roommate is far superior to me in every way imaginable, so much so that i feel like a failure anytime i see her doing something "right" or she sees me doing something "wrong" (K) because half the time i don't know what i'm doing, i can only be a bystander and have emotions (as opposed to listening actively in class, and focusing on the material and the speaker rather than what i think of them or how alone i am feeling) (L) because i don't review my notes everyday like i should okay, now what can i do to stop doing so badly? (A) get over myself. yes, this school is tougher than anything you've ever seen before, but nothing worth getting is easy to get. if i can make it--if i can graduate from the University of Texas at Austin, (and i fully intend to and will do everything in my power to do just that), my life will improve in ways that i cannot yet fathom. a degree means everything in today's society. in order to get a decent job at this point, a degree is downright essential. i must, i repeat MUST, get through this. study abroad or not, i must graduate--and if not from here, from somewhere else. but i have such opportunity just being in this place, at this great university. i want to hold on to opportunities like this, i want to succeed, i want to beat the system. there are too many students at this school. bigger can mean better, but honestly i think this is too big. too big for this chica, anyway. i think yet another reason i'm doing so badly is that the school is huge, therefore i can get lost in a sea of people. nobody is going to march up to me and find me accountable because i made an F in whatever course--or an F in all my courses. of course, this is college, and no one held me accountable for my grades before, but in a smaller community one develops the impression that one must succeed, one must read, one must do one's homework. in a place so gigantic like this, i think we lose our focus and accountability. austin also has plenty more distractions than utsa. maybe i never should have left.

12:27 a.m. - 2005-10-12


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