backyard crowing


failed again

my roommate is so sweet. she's encouraging me to join a group so i can start succeeding, in other words raising my grades and getting some friends. (she didn't say THAT, exactly, but that's what she means). i'm lucky to have a nice roomie like her! she's no elyse, but then, who is?

i'd like to go see elizabethtown, it just came out today.

i made a 54 (possibly a bit more than that if i calculated wrong) on my astronomy test. i'm getting depressed. i'm gaining weight, i think. i feel like crap because my grades are crap. again i have such a nice roomie, she's really trying to help. i'm going to try and let her.

"I'm learning to fly
(learning to fly)
But I ain't got wings."
-song off of Elizabethtown trailer

i need to grow some wings and darned fast.
xanga people are so dramatic! grrr...
erica wrote a mean post the other day:

"i knew that it was bound to happen.
one day you would no longer be interested, it would seem you no longer care.
since our communication is seriously lacking at the moment, i am going to take it as, you have better things to occupy your time with, things other than me. more important too.
so it feels."

good grief. everybody left comments on that entry about how they thought she was referring to them. i'm sorry, but that's one of the most self-centered things i've ever seen in my life. i don't understand why people post mean crap about each other and then wait for the person to read their stuff and react. it makes NO SENSE. if you really have a problem with someone, talk to them, and them only! don't go bull shitting all over the internet about them -- even if you leave "them" anonymous. the fact is this: no one i know has ever read this, and no one i know will ever read this unless i give them permission, which means probably these words are for my eyes only. (and the eyes of a few random internet people). i may say a thing or two about people that irk me, but nobody who i know personally will ever see it, let alone the person who infuriates me. webjournals should make peace, not war! and by peace, i mean inner peace, a way to express oneself without having to worry about what others think. anywho, i guess that's my rant of the day (not that i usually have a rant; i don't)...


can writing be my refuge? am i a good enough writer to even begin to claim that?

words i made up today:
(well, ruthie and hannah made up nasally, but i did the other two).

i'm watching the Laramie Project on the dhfs channel at the moment. i'm glad i got to see it when i did, which was a couple of weeks ago. i'm also glad i was able to see A Home At the End of the World. i think it's important to see films like these, that address homosexuality directly, and elaborate on everything we've heard about, all the rumors and jokes. it's confusing, really--being completely fine with homosexuality is considered an advantage today; if you are a hater of homosexuals, you're hated. some people clearly believe it's wrong to be attracted to the same sex because of passages in the Bible, but that's obvious. what's interesting is that gays and lesbians are becoming the new minority, the modern day slave, if you will. i have a feeling that in ten years (or five, or fifteen, or whatever) hating homosexuality will be like hating black people--preposterous and hidden in the people who carry it.
so the questions that people must ask themselves are these:
1 - is homosexuality wrong? is the Bible right?
2 - is hating homosexuality going to be looked down upon in the future, like slavery?
3 - if i decide to be for homosexuality, does that just mean i want to agree with the "cool" people and stand out like some kind of underdog?
4 - if i decide to be against homosexuality, will i lose friends? (and conversely, if i am for it will i lose friends?)
one must ask oneself if one is choosing to believe one way or the other because one wishes to be the underdog. i myself am a big fan of the underdog, but just wanting to be the underdog shouldn't affect what i believe. beliefs come from the heart--if i am among the masses who believe like i do, so be it. if i am the only one with my belief, so be it. the point is to be strong and not back down, no matter how common or rare my opinion may be. it's nice to stand out in the crowd but lame to do so only for the novelty.

"I give you life in the memory of someone who no longer lives." - the father of Matthew Shepard speaking to his son's killer, in the movie

protesting at matthew shepard's funeral. abominable.
i feel like i repeated myself something awful in that last little part. oh well.

maybe i should go turn my hair red today. i've had the box 'o dye a whole week now, i need to use it eventually. perhaps i'll wait until next weekend and ask mom if she'll do it. good night. i'm scared. i'm sick of myself. do you understand what it's like to be sick of yourself? it's when you can't stand to look at yourself, when you want to curl up and die, or at the very least sleep. it's when you don't want to see anybody, and you especially don't want anybody to see you. i suppose this feeling comes from the fact that i'm ashamed of my grades. i'm trying, i really am. i'm going to every last one of my astronomy study sessions, i'm going to all of my classes, i'm doing everything i know how to succeed. i still feel like a failure though, shitfaced yet never been drunk. why do i feel like such crap? i haven't murdered anyone, nor do i intend to. maybe i just need someone to slap my face, and hard. i don't know. i've said in this diary several times recently that i'm going to wake up, turn around, change my ways so that failure is not an option. i need to pass these classes, i need to graduate, i need to study abroad if i possibly can. just today i was walking down the drag and i heard a snippet of a french conversation: "...porte maillot." yet that's all i needed to hear, i was grinning like mad after i heard that. two words so beautifully, effortlessly uttered in a strong deep voice. it's times like those that make it clear why i am a french major. i love the language, it's the only thing more elegant than music. english is lovely as well, but good night...


5:02 p.m. - 2005-10-14


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