backyard crowing


a huge amount of random thoughts...beware

"of course i know gay people! ....i recognized that look, because it was the way i looked at (name i forgot)...." - a movie called Girl

this particular quote reminds me of a time when i was a junior in high school and i had theater second period. it was a theater class usually freshman took, but anybody could take it, and so since i had a free space in my schedule to take whatever, theater was my whatever. i met a friend there whose name i have now forgotten, and she and i were constantly being partners for whatever duet performance was required of us. i remember one day she mentioned to me that she thought michael, one of our classmates, was very attractive indeed. i told her, "yeah, he's cute. you do know he's gay, though, right?" and infact she didn't. she was impressed, and informed me that she had always wanted to have a gay friend, and that she wasn't sure she had ever even met a gay person. i told her gay people are typically fantastic, and she asked me if i knew any others. i told her yes, a couple of people, but i never said who, and she didn't ask who. and i wasn't lying, i did know a couple of other gay people at our high school. the closest one to me was probably lauren, who is actually bi, but we lost touch considerably after elementary school. but i did go to her graduation party at that mexican place! what a ball that was. anyhow my little experience with this girl in theater class was much like the one in the movie "girl". the main character is talking about something or someone and her companion looks up to her and asks, "you know gay people?" in admiration. we then hear the voice of the main character (i'll call her megan, since she has red hair and i knew a redhead named megan in elementary school) thinking, "i recognized that look, because it was the way i looked at Cybil," Cybil being a girl she looks up to.

here is a quote from a person commenting (on imdb) about the movie Girl:
"This is only the second movie I've ever commented on here. I had to. The only single comment listed was grossly misrepresenting the film. And obviously all of you agree. I grew up in the Portland area, the setting for the movie and it was like watching a little part of my life on screen. But I know that it isn't just because of that. Well, you can read my comment if you like. I could go on forever about it. Aren't there any guys out there ever who see a movie like this and want to be that guy for some girl. The sweet seducer with a soul. But of course he turned out to have issues. But don't they all! I got this movie about 5 years ago and it is still one my top 10 favorite films. I can't help it. It's my heart exposed on film. (My Todd Sparrow is Ewan McGregor...and oh so, help. And no, not because of Moulin Rouge, waaaaaaaaay before that). If you loved this movie you should see "A Slipping Down Life" with Guy Pearce and Lily Taylor."

today in french conversation i did a presentation on rupert everett! i did really well, i'm proud of myself. the lecturer said i was very clear! hooray!

she did mention though that i could have said "jouer un role" instead of "agir" for to act.

anyways i'm not sure how much of the presentation the class followed, i used quite a few words that were new to me.

this morning when i woke up i realized i was terrified of what my comrades might think because rupert everett (my subject) is gay, and the article i presented addressed his homosexuality. as you know, diary, i'm no homophobic, but i was scared they would be. again, i'm not sure just how much they understood, but the lecturer could i'm sure comprehend everything...we'll see how that goes over. i did well though, so i'm not worrying about it. my worries are over now that i know no one laughed. (or if they did i pretended not to hear it).

sometimes i feel like my confidence is shot, shot like a bird already weakened, who ever hovered low in the sky before its final fall.

the other day i was walking to my discussion section when i realized i rarely look up, and at the people around me. it is as if i don't want people to know me, i am so ashamed. now i know it's because of my horrible grades, but what was it ever before? perhaps it's because i don't go to church, or because i am not nearly as "good" as i was when i was first saved.

perhaps if i had siblings i would have more of a backbone.

"peer pressure's a bitch"
-i don't know where that's from, maybe mom said it

why didn't cristy introduce me to her relatives? i'm not offended, but i feel like i should know them now. maybe she talks trash to her mother about me. i doubt it, but i can't say i haven't done it with my mother. not about her, but about other people.

how could i have changed so much in just a few months? why do i feel so low? why am i so low?
what happened to me between may and now that screwed me up so?

maybe it's cristy's depression rubbing off on me. i heard her say on the phone to someone, "....blah blah blah my depression.....". so she's depressed? i never thought so, but the more i look for it, the more i realize it. she's coping marvelously, though, or at least i think so. she's making good grades. but i should know that good grades alone don't make a person happy, and they don't cure depression by any means.

i wonder if dad received my cool black and white einstein postcard. i started the note with, "Hey genius!". he'll love that!

some lyrics from Tegan and Sara's song "I Hear Noises":

"i hear noises in the darkness
i hear sadness in your voice
i hear noises in the darkness
i hear sadness inside you

sad sick people like me
call me up and let me know that
that my sick guilt is so unwelcome
i'm so unwelcome
i'm so unwelcome"

...lovely schtuff from the twin lesbians! i am loving this song tonight.

i think if it were possible to literally be in someone else's shoes--to be them for a day in mind, body, and soul--we would gain incredible understanding not only of that person whose body we inhabited, but also of many if not all of the people around us, at least to some extent. i wonder if we'll get to do that in heaven. i've always thought in heaven the astronomers and scientists and everyone would find the answers to all their burning questions, and burning questions they never thought to ask. i've always imagined heaven as a learning institution where everybody understood every minute detail of everything and appreciated it entirely. even people like me who hate math on earth would be enlightened in every subeject imaginable, and effortlessly, as if math was one of our God-given talents. but honestly math is a man made thing, and so are languages and literature and most areas of study, so perhaps God doesn't heed such lowly human things.

i don't think i'll ever feel old. i don't think anybody ever really does.
i mean yes, one does lose the use of some of one's body parts eventually, and that i'm sure feels awful, but for anyone to feel old is a bit beyond me. we're still the same "us" that we were before, we think in the same manner. yes, we go through changes both positive and negative, we change our minds, and we grow and learn from our mistakes, but how, exactly, does that make one feel "old"?

bren (former coworker and person i admire) would tell me sometimes that she felt old because i hadn't heard of cartoons like rainbow bright and he-man and she-ra. i understand that sort of feeling old. i understand that an aged person can wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and wonder where their beauty went as well. but how does one feel intrinsically old? we are who we are, and yes, part of what makes us who we are is our age, but our age doesn't define us, or if it does we certainly shouldn't let it! if you're seventy and still in tip top shape, go skydiving! do it. i can guarantee you many other seventy-year-olds want to be you, they would jump in an instant if they were physically able to.

then again, i'm 19, so one could argue that of course i don't feel old--i'm young.

oh yeah, and now for something completely different...i remember erica from san antonio saying her sister grew her boobs in a night.
...whatever erica. did you know they removed the word "gullible" from the dictionary?

a quote i found:
*Only you can give to others the impression you're an idiot*
it was in somebody's imdb tagline, so i don't know what it's from. nice.

10:34 p.m. - 2005-11-01


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