backyard crowing


hey nineteen

i've been thinking i would change this layout, just for sport, but i don't think it's worth the trouble or the work. yes, there are a few that would suit me at the moment (there's even a green forest nymph!) but i don't feel like trying to figure it out right now.

listening to: fall out boy, of course! woot.

"We're only liars, but we're the best!"

not much happened today. bugles are addicting, i need to kick this habit. i wonder where cristy is. i don't know whether or not i want to see my parents over thanksgiving. i mean yes, i do want to go home and see them, but at the same time i'm not sure if i'm too ashamed to do it. i've gained weight, i feel horrible, i'm making terrible grades, i still don't know hardly anyone here, and

i'm thinking of chris at the moment--the one i went to elementary, jr, high, utsa, and now ut with. we also had band together, but he was in concert II. crazy! it's cool i know a person with so much in common school-wise, i guess. his parents are divorced too and he has a stepmother who i had occasionally as a substitute teacher. he did too, i think. chris and i had band together briefly, english IV together, and world cultures when we were sixth graders. we probably had some other classes too, but i can't remember. now i wonder about him. i almost always say "hi" when i see him, which is usually when i leave astronomy, since he has it the period right after mine and in the same room. he tends to respond, but not with much enthusiasm, and sometimes he tries to avoid me. i'm confused as to why. i don't hardly know the boy, yet i've known him forever. since first grade, at least. before that it's hazy, but i might have known him in kindergarten.

tonight it's amazing i am where i am. it's been such a long time since elementary school, and i don't ever want to go back there again. to the building, maybe, but never back in time. and yet i'd like to meet myself as a third grader, or him as a third grader, or the entire school. i feel no longer innocent, but then again no one is innocent, not even as a third grader. i don't know what it's supposed to feel like, growing old. and i'm not even old. i'm nineteen.

"Hey Nineteen that's 'Retha Franklin
She don't remember the Queen of Soul
It's hard times befallen the Soul Survivors
She thinks I'm crazy, but I'm just growing old"

i haven't even heard this song, i just remember seeing a steely dan album of mom's and reading that "hey nineteen" was the name of a track. i laughed.
funny how the lyrics line up.

i don't feel beautiful at all tonight.

i watched some saturday night live this evening, and some that 70's show. gotta love 'em! eric foreman (topher grace) is the cutest thing ever.

sometimes i wonder if cristy used to be anorexic. she always comments about people on tv that are skinny. she was thinner before college, but she's still underweight, and she doesn't want to gain any weight, either. i wonder if she's a virgin sometimes. of course i wouldn't ask her, that's much too personal a question. i would forever be the nosey roommate, blah! elyse wasn't a virgin, but she wasn't bothered if people knew. still, she didn't flaunt the fact that she wasn't a virgin. cristy seems to think she'll marry andre. he's 23! i keep forgetting that fact, it's not obvious because of his actions and his look, to some extent. anyways he appears much more stable than any of elyse's (or elyse, for that matter) boyfriends ever were. who knows? some people do find the love of their life at 18. it happens, i suppose. am i the only one my age who is not looking for love? or am i?
i'm not prepared now. i'm not very happy, for one thing, and it's hard to get someone to like you if you're pissed or depressed all the time. right now i just need a friend.

"he said why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
-fall out boy

i wish i could find my other jimmy eat world cd. it's driving me nuts. jimmy got suspended and arrested for wearing an offensive t-shirt to school. apparently there's a bitch of a teacher at his school with the last name of "hapke", so he wore a homemade t-shirt reading "huck fapke" across the front. so, arrestation and suspension ensued. good grief jimmy what has gotten into you?! i suppose whatever it is has been in you a while.
hope he's well, as usual.

why does everyone i know seem to hate junior high? did i hate it that much? i don't think i did. part of it was probably because elementary sucked so much (i was made fun of something fierce and my parents split up) and in middle school people started to leave me alone and the divorce was further away than it had ever been before. i had a couple of good math teachers though, and one horrible one. my parents would argue that she was a good teacher, and in a sense she was very helpful, but i still hated it. good night that was a tough class for me--pre-algebra. i kept arriving late, and she was strict as ever with the tardy policy. she made us feel inadequate to boot, and had this high, screechy voice and absolutely no sense of humor. if we screwed up she actually got angry with us, so naturally i was horrified, i hate yelling. and math is definitely not worth yelling about. it was as if we purposely answere wrong to spite the lady, which was not the case. not for me, anyway. heck if i could get something right i was overjoyed. she was a good teacher in some senses though. she let me do only half of all the problems assigned to us on homeworks because my parents talked to her about my speed problem. i can't rush through math problems, infact i can rarely rush through anything. i'm a slow learner, but those who learn slowly forget soon, which i think people rarely appreciate. i take my time, so what? einstein failed math, look where that got him! people like him inspire me, i love those who overcome seemingly impossible obstacles! i love the underdog.

what did i like in junior high? what was i like?
i can remember crying in mrs. gallun's english class in eighth grade because i made a 79 on a paper. man i was a sissy that day! lauren was in my class though, and people were really nice about it, making sure to tell me that it was just one grade and there were many more to come, and that one paper was nothing to freak out about. and then a couple of people showed me their grades (the ones that were lower than mine) and tried to cheer me up. i don't know why i was so upset. it's silly just thinking about the whole situation, really. i was dissapointed because i thought writing was my thing, my talent, my specialty i suppose. but a 79 is not too bad at all! i wouldn't mind a 79 right now, in any class. heh. my how things change! some would say they don't have to. oh, but they do, dad, they do.

Metaphor -- Metapod

oh lauren what fun times we had together! i still have a few notes she wrote to me, and a cartoon strip she made, but i'm not sure where they are. she's the one who got me into pokemon and five and the spice girls and n64 and even adventures magazine, although i don't think i ever bought adventure, just lusted after it in the grocery store. and i always wanted to play nintendo at her house and watch nickelodeon since i didn't have it! and i remember playing in the playhouse in her backyard, and trying to jump from her swingset to into the baby pool. i was never bold enough to try it, i always thought it would be too shallow and i'd get hurt. she never hurt herself, at least not doing that anyway. she did get hurt a lot, from what i remember. oh, and we sold lemonade on their streetcorner for ten cents a cup! they were the tiniest cups you ever saw, and i think her mom was the lemonade maker. so...we stood outside selling what she made for us. oh, well. it was fun just the same. i had the idea of writing cute little ads on the concrete to direct attention to our little business. a few people did stop by. i'm a bit surprised her mom wasn't out there watching us, to tell you the truth. i wonder what she's like now. her mom and she and kelsey. i wonder what she remembers about me, if she has a favorable impression. we went through quite a bit together. i'm not sure where it all went in high school, we just didn't hang out as in never.

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...homage to the smashing pumpkins' siamese twins album.

1:34 a.m. - 2005-11-13


lovesounds - futuresex


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