backyard crowing
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church & trip back
...so i'm sitting here in the church, a place i haven't been in since my last day working here. i'm in dad's office hanging out and listening to audiocrush--what's better than listening to an offensive radio show in a church? nothing, i tell you!
later, at 8:12 p
still at the church, only now dad and I just returned from Subway. He unknowingly drank my entire cherry coke, and then promptly realized what he had just done. Oh well, I'm not much a soda fan anyways, I surprised myself by getting one in the first place.
I think I hate people, and they usually hate me. Sometimes I think I intimidate them, like Milena my two-doors-down neighbor.
Perhaps I wonder what they're doing, talking to me. Why would they come talk to me? I've become so alone and immersed in my own life that others in it just don't make sense. They're outsiders, what do they want with me? Surely I don't need their help, that would be catastrophic. Why, you ask? Because the likely result is that we will become friends, and do things for one another, and eventually one party will feel cheated, as if they are getting the short end of the stick in the relationship. Then they will walk away, or I will walk away (only I rarely walk), and then I'm back to square one: alone. So why waste time with them? I know my parents are constants--they're probably not going to drop me on my ass, and I don't think I ever would them. But the general public? Maybe I simply do not trust people. Why is that, though? I mean yes, my parents divorced and therefore are not to be trusted in the sense that they couldn't even stay together, but I'm over that now. Have I just had a series of ill-fated friendships, so many that I can't seem to handle one more? And then I suppose the city life hasn't helped. People in Austin are in each other's lives for a few seconds, and then they're gone. If you know you'll never meet a person ever again, why spend time trying to build friendships with them? That's where I'm coming from. That's the setting I live in now. Why did I think I would like this? Because I didn't know life would be like this, that's why.
At the same time I have much to be thankful for here. I have a couple of friends (my roommate and Ruthie) that are my buddies, but I don't really hang out with them outside of chilling in our room and being bored as cats during Astronomy.
8:12 p.m. - 2005-11-22
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