backyard crowing


why am i here

so the question is not really what i want to do, it's what should i do? what must i do in order to fulfill my purpose? but does anyone really have a purpose? and if they do, what it it? my cousin seems to know, and her whole family is spiritually strong, but she doesn't specify in her journal entry what this purpose is. she tells me it's my purpose, too. but how on earth could it be? she's an art education major. i wouldn't want her major, not even for a minute. i'm much too impatient to teach elementary schoolers how to finger paint, i would flip out utterly.

i got a package in the mail from mom today!

i probably failed miserably at my astronomy test too.

"i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe in us..."
-brand new

i just watched a documentary on the Holocaust. cristy tells me i should see Schindler's List and The Pianist if i get the chance.

listening to: colplay's "fix you"
"...when you get what you want but not what you need..."

i've felt that lately, like i'm just wasting my time. i sit around not studying, doing anything to distract myself from what is real. escape is what i do best sometimes, but i fear i'm heading for a grand fall with all this nonsense. i don't want to be on academic probation, or out of funds, or unhappy. my efforts seem to have proved worthless at times this semester, as have i. do i try like cristy does? does anybody?

have i improved at all? am i any better than i was last year, or my freshman year of high school? am i any worse? i hate to say so, but it may very well be true. what am i doing with my life?

a potentially brilliant musician who never happens to pick up an instrument and perfect it--or who picks up the wrong instrument and fails miserably--this person's situation appears depressing, doesn't it? but honestly so what if they never become the star trumpeter they're "supposed" to be? someone else will! would they even know they could reach for a higher calling and succeed? i think not. this person might have any career but one in music, and still lead a happy, fulfilling life. but when he looks at the sunset, how does he truly feel? can he know that something is missing, but cannot fathom what? or does he sit satisfied and content?

or do we all know intrinsically what we should be doing, and i'm just too chicken shit to do what it is i should do?

theoretically speaking, what would i say if someone asked me why i was here?
1. be a Christian, spread the word of God
2. listen
3. help out whenever possible, reach out
4. love others
5. enrich the lives of others while staying true to myself

i have more sides than a decagon. squares are so perfect, but impossible to attain. but i might as well try, right? right. this i do believe.

4:51 p.m. - 2005-12-09


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