backyard crowing


so hopefully he doesn't think i'm a whore

listening to: "She's So High", by Tal Bachman

i finally got it! illegally, but i got it just the same. i think i mentioned on a much earlier entry that i wanted badly to hear that song.

soulseek has been interesting lately. i met a guy there from canada, and we chat fairly often. it really is fun, he's a former hockey player (he played for 16 years) living in ontario with his sister. they both go to college (he's 22, she's 20) and live in a house that their parents have with a gas fireplace, and the parents live somewhere else in canada, i'm not sure where. anyways he seems cool and we have some interesting talks, i daresay. i just hope it's not all about the sex part, i've never really had cyber sex but i'm pretty sure that's what we do sometimes. it's fun though, and we both enjoy it. i can make a guy hard with thousands of miles between us, which is thrilling, sorry. and i don't know that i'm even that sorry. we're not hurting anybody, just getting off together. and i don't masturbate, (although i want to start) so this will help i think. it's so hard to know what's wrong anymore. the truth is obscured.

am i no longer a virgin? would my future husband be angry at this sort of behavior? or does he do it too? i would be surprised--worried, even--if he didn't masturbate. cyber sex is a bit different then just masturbation though, more offensive to me, i think, and therefore potentially more offensive to others, namely my future husband, whoever he may be.

i'm happy when i know i can affect a guy like that; you know, make him hard. it's the only time i know i've done it, and even so, it's the internet, so he could always be lying. there's always the possibility that he's a complete asshole or some horny 55-year old, but we've chatted enough about things other than sex that i'm pretty sure that's not the case. but one can never be too sure.

he's so sweet sometimes, hugging me and kissing me on the cheek, ruffling my hair. i tell him about weird stuff, like when i went to the holocaust museum in eighth grade and our class talked with a real survivor, or about the love lives of my my roomie and former roomie, and the differences between them. he tells me about what it was like to be on hockey teams for so long, and the trials of being team captain. i told him how i tried out for drum major three times but never made it, and about my involvement in band, orchestra, choir, and theater. he was pretty impressed i did all that, but i had to remind him most of that was at different times throughout my high school career. he lived in canada before high school, and then moved to england for those four years of hell, but now he's back. he did say he loved england very much, he lived about 25 miles away from downtown london. his favorite team is the maple leafs (leaves?), a canadian team. i forgot who his favorite player was, a foreign guy but i can't remember from what country. he is an english major and will go on to study journalism for two more years. he's hoping to be a sports writer, and by the time he gets out of school he should surely be sports writer material! i don't know where any of this would ever lead, but he's sweet to me and tells me he likes me (which i don't hear ever), and i like him. i wonder if i'll ever happen to move to canada one day and meet a guy with his name. i would certainly ask him if it was he who talked to me. how could i possibly resist? i would definitely ask! how awkward such a meeting would be! especially if one or both of us had married by that time.

i met him a few days ago, i can't remember what day exactly. yesterday during my astronomy test i kept getting distracted thinking about him. i did finish the test though, but not without a 20/30. that's okay, i knew i was going to fail it anyway, i hadn't studied hardly at all.

i've seriously considered giving him the url to this diary, just to know someone else knew how i felt. i wish he were real sometimes, i like to think he's a nice person, and he might be. he really does turn me on, and he's quite funny. he's good flirting practice, and he makes me feel sexy.

and he has blue eyes and red hair! good grief you know how i love the red hair. yeah, i pretty much can't show anyone this diary now. how depressing. not like i could before.

man there's nothing like bloc party...or deathcab...

so hopefully he doesn't think i'm a whore, but it wouldn't matter anyways.

"...this is the sound of settling..."
i've never been one to settle for mediocrity, i don't want to start now.

4:43 p.m. - 2005-12-10


lovesounds - futuresex


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