backyard crowing


back in austin

4:47 am jan. 11
i'm back in austin after the break, dad and i arrived a few hours ago. i thought for sure i would hit the sack harder than ever, but for some reason i'm up and worrying. or maybe not worrying, just thinking. i have a new roommate this semester, i just met her today. she seems like a sweet girl, i think we'll mesh and all that jazz. my excitement to come back to the dorm was almost uncontainable, when dad kept not leaving i wondered why. i suppose it's that i won't see him until spring break (quite a long leave), he's a good guy. but mom is right too, he's a dreamer. too much dreaming isn't practical, but what can a person do? these parents of mine are so screwed up it's not even funny. if there's one thing i learned last semester, it's that we're all hypocrites, no matter what we do; i am no exception to the rule.
i can't decide what i want to be when i grow up, and mom recently alerted me that i am almost halfway through my college career and i still don't know my minor, or if i'll even have one. money is getting tighter and i'm beginning to wonder what i'm doing here. they all seem smarter than me. i know right well that is an insecure thing to say or think or write, but the feeling is there. why?
a note on the band i'm listening to: it's called garbage, and i am enamoured with it. when i was in junior high garbage tickets were on sale at ticketmaster (fiesta) at the same time and place as the hanson tickets dad and i bought (albertane tour!). we scoffed at the name of the band. who would name their band so distastefully? heh, and now i think i'm in love with them.
i want to meet anne frank. we'll have a nice long talk in heaven, i'm convinced.
"We'll just tell the children, 'Mommy is one of the chosen people and Daddy believes Jesus is Magic'". - Sarah Silverman

i suppose my worrying is that this semester will be just like the last one. i'm determined to change though, i'm getting off of probation darnit. i would say something here like, "if it's the last thing i do", but i'd rather have my Last Thing be something exciting like skydiving. skydiving, now there's a fun, quick way to die. rock on!

i've decided to make sure and not hang up on the world this year.

i notice anymore when my parents are bugging me that i pull my hair and grit my teeth lightly--or if i'm on the phone, i bang my head against the wall ever so slightly. mom is most amused by this! ah, well. it is funny, i suppose, especially if you're not the victim of the annoyance. it's almost as if the stress my parents put me through is not enough--i must cause myself physical pain as well. you know, a pain i can dictate, i can control. hmph.

and why does dad go on about politics? he knows i'm not interested, i wonder why he even opens his mouth. his chatter is interesting at first, but after some time you find yourself looking desperately for a sock. beware. also, do not ask any questions, he will take hours to answer them.

sea salt > you

2:32 pm
listening to: billy joel's "zanzibar"

little piece of speech: "Nothing," I told her; only nothing was about as far from the truth that I could imagine.

leila (aka my new roommate) came in briefly today to grab some of her stuff. she'll be back saturday, and she wanted to know if i thought a computer was really necessary at college. seeing as i have two, i told her no--why make her worry? besides, a girl CAN get by computerless in college, it's just less convenient. but hey, she'll be forced to do her papers and whatnot within the library's hours of operation, so i suppose that's a good incentive to hurry and finish. i've also told her she can borrow mine. what are roomies for?

i want to go have coffee at prufrock's, just to say i've been. i wonder if it's open yet? mmmhmm. i need to work out today!

- 2006-01-11


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