backyard crowing



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Walking In Memphis

"Yeah I got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a boy can be
Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would --
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said --
"Tell me are you a Christian child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight""

--from Marc Cohn's song "Walking In Memphis"

Today I rushed to the bank before it closed, and spoke with one of the bankers about how this morning I found out I was in the negative with my checking account. I now have a $66.00 overdraft fee, and this has happened before at least once. Iím officially scared now, I donít know what Iíll tell my mother if I decide to tell her at all, she is doing her absolute best to pinch pennies and get me through college. I mean eventually sheíll find out, if she pays any attention at all (and she does), so Iíll hear about this at some point. And the fee is doable, itís not a problem in that sense thank goodness, but I just feel completely ashamed. With all this book buying I lost track and now Iíve gone and dug myself into a hole. I went to Jamba Juice afterward because I have a gift certificate there to try to cheer myself up, though I know food is no solution. I didnít know where to go after that, but I knew seeing my roommate sounded depressing. So I went to the study room and cried off all my blue mascara, and prayed for help.

What confused me most I think was that this afternoon I wanted badly to be alone; yet part of me also wanted someone to hug, to tell me that an overdraft fee is not the end of the world, and remind me Iím not useless.
It seems I continually realize how much I need God, how alone I feel, and how no matter how hard I feel my life is, itís not comparable to God giving up His son for us.

A conclusion I came to in chatting with Blaine, a Canadian guy with whom I chat on a regular basis about lofty (and some not-so-lofty) ideas:
Everyone is lonely, so itís hard to say ďIím lonelyĒ, because loneliness is necessary for breathing, itís universal. No one but God can know precisely what youíre experiencing or feeling or thinking. So maybe love is knowing you canít truly understand a person, but trying your utmost to do just that.

And now, 50 things I am thankful for, in no particular order:

1. My huge and loving family.
2. My dogs.
3. A roof over my head.
4. Food to eat.
5. My iPod.
6. Not being on academic probation.
7. The privilege of going to a great school of my choice.
8. My computer.
9. God, who thankfully never stops prodding me.
10. Jesus, for dying for our sins.
11. The great movies I have seen.
12. A friendly French advisor.
13. The poster sale that is happening this week.
14. The courage I had to give blood for the first time.
15. My CDs.
16. A kind roommate.
17. The time I have to do my homework.
18. Zack, the guy that e-mailed me the homework assignment last week when I lost it.
19. Elyse, who I feel will always have my back.
20. Meg Anne, a great RA.
21. An interest in French.
22. My two trips to France.
23. The trip I took to Mexico.
24. Christy, who could cheer up nations if she wanted.
25. Cristy, who inspires me to be the best I can possibly be, and who is an underdog and probably the hardest worker I have ever seen.
26. Adam, who treated me well.
27. My mom, who stands up for me and wants the best for me.
28. My dad, who uses his mind to use his soul, as the Five Iron Frenzy song says.
29. Ross, who was genuinely a nice person and who reminded me that you can seem to have everything yet feel sad insideóand thatís an okay. Iím honored to have known him.
30. Leslie, who randomly invited me to the church retreat where I was saved sophomore year, and who continues to pursue God in all she does. She is an inspiration and a role model.
31. All four of my grandparents, whose generosity expects nothing in return.
32. Aunt Joyce, who is delightful to be around and isnít afraid to say exactly what she thinks.
33. Aunt Carol, who is just as delightful to be around, and who I canít wait to see again sometime.
34. Uncle Tim, a quiet yet caring gentleman to my mother and I.
35. Aunt Jackie, my grandmotherís sister and a warm lady using her writing talent to make others feel included. Itís wonderful to see her book publishing journey unfold.
36. Ruthie, who welcomes everyone to whatever event is occurring, and who has unknowingly taught me to flirt.
37. The showers in my buildingóthey have hot water and good water pressure.
38. Matt, the nice Vietnamese guy who waxed my eyebrows which were in need of some drastic de-werewolfizing.
39. Lauren, who wouldnít lie to a fly and who lives to laugh and hear others do the same. She is a true friend.
40. Erica, who still wants to keep in touch with me after miles separate us and who is tough as nails and Iím sure a great travel companion.
41. Music.
42. The wealth of knowledge this world has to offer, itís more than any human could ever learn, so everyday is a discovery.
43. Walking through the streets of Austin.
44. Meeting Joanna, a random polish girl, and using the restrooms in the capital.
45. San Antonioís gorgeous sunsets.
46. Chris, who was my first date.
47. Mr. Trout, a sometimes misunderstood but good man and band director.
48. John, who listened to my ramblings and insecurities about my faith, even though he doesnít believe as I do.
49. Beth Chavez, who was strong yet human to me. She was patient with me.
50. Kristin Callahan, who desired to imitate God and who invited me to girls night when I was a freshman and made me feel special.

Iím thankful for more than these, of course, but 50 is a nice round number.

ďThe best things in life arenít things.Ē I now see this quote more clearly than ever, as 29 of these 50 'things' aren't things at all--they're people.

Good night.

7:52 p.m. - 2006-01-21
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