backyard crowing



i keep looking at people's photos on facebook and doubting myself and the relationships i have with people. why is it that it takes a giant leap of faith for me to kiss a guy that i like on the cheek, and that i wouldn't dream of doing that to a guy friend? i don't understand myself, or why i'm so different.

i'm much too cautious. i like a guy and i shake his hand? how lame is that?! i should have just hugged him, he gave me the option. but only a minute or two before that, he told me he had asked out my neighbor. so what was i supposed to do then? huh? i didn't want to pry or anything, but that was my perfect opportunity to ask him if they were a 'thing'! i need to maybe not talk to males at 4 o'clock in the morning, i only get my panties in a wad...perhaps if i was more awake i would have some sense knocked into me. but at least he TOLD me he asked her out, not all guys would have the guts to do that. but does he owe it to me to tell me? not particularly, but i'm still glad i know, i wouldn't want to be oblivious.

what's more, she has a picture with him in it on her facebook profile, but he is not linked. she may not even know his last name, when i've known it since last semester, before she even moved here. if i (or he) had acted faster, this problem might be nonexistent! oy, why am i freaking out??? i'm so tired. but really, compared to him and his polyphasic sleep i am the most energized person ever.

aaaand, now that i've found him on facebook, if he likes her more than me he'll probably try and find her on facebook. i guess i can monitor that, but aren't i an incessant creep? good grief, i do have problems.

she's from winnie, tx. i have no idea where that is. she's also a history major, and therefore quite cool.

i met the girl today... we were walking toward each other in the hallway, i was just getting back from doing a load of laundry. i didn't recognize her, but i'm pretty sure we've met before. she seems really REALLY nice. if only i knew if she and he were dating, or in a relationship, or whatever. it can't be TOO serious, because they're not even friends on facebook...only that could be a mutual agreement. i was wary of adding him to my facebook friends, but everything turned out okay. i'm his 'daughter' on facebook, soooooo cool, hahahaha. hi daddy. geez...i love the innuendo a bit too much, don't i?

i don't understand how i feel utterly young and old at the same time. it seems no matter which 'me' i try to be, i always fall short for someone or something. it's hard for me to be happy with myself if not everyone else is. how did i become so insecure? was i always? i think so, but sometimes are rougher than others...

i can't let other people's opinions and standards get to me when only my own matter to myself. this is ridiculous, i can be who i want, i need to be who i want. who else is there to perform for?

how crazy, that we spend our entire lives up until the age of 18 struggling (or not so much) to obey our parents or elders, and then's up to us. we can screw the past and steamroll over whoever raised us and start anew. i just want to get away for a while, think on my own, and be in nature. with him, preferably. "parmi la nature" -- okay whatever, bitch. correct my ass if it will make you smile.

i feel like most of us are still whipped.

question of the janeane (doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?):
do you feel trapped? because aren't we all, in some way or another?
there are many, many ways to be trapped, so no way would sound stupid to me.

i'm trapped because i'm in like with a boy, and i don't know if he's single...or dating my neighbor...or if she likes him...or if he likes her...or if i want to go to class tommorow...
i'm trapped because i have tons of homework to do, and three tests in a row on friday, and because i still haven't filled out my fafsa...
i'm trapped because i'm tired and lazy and i can't believe it's already 11:14 pm...
i'm trapped because i don't know who to believe--my grandparents, my dad, or my mom?
i'm trapped because i'm living in a box...
i'm trapped because i'm scared, of everything.

i can't help but wonder if i'm still an angsty teenager and i just need to grow up and catch up with everyone else, wherever that is. i don't think i live up to most people's standards. but then, what do they matter?

"je fais ce que je veux faire." -thomas gancel, i wish i had your kind of courage

0 cheers for leading a sheltered life...or not?

okay, so the first time i mentioned david in this journal was here. He has no idea he has been on my mind off and on for the past almost five months. I'm trying to decide whether I like that fact or not.

2:34 a.m. - 2006-02-20


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