backyard crowing
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i'm calling it clarity soon
i've realized some guys make my heart pound...and others do not. literally, though--that guy wes timmons in high school, the one i did the english project with--when i saw him in best buy after all those months, my heart just wouldn't sit still. i don't know, david doesn't make my heart pound, but i like him a lot, and i do get awfully nervous around him. i don't think a heart pounding is the only sign, though. with adam my heart never pounded, and though it didn't work out, it could have. anyways...
i don't know, i think i'm gaining weight again, i need to go to the gym.
i just made a mix on itunes called "damn good songs", full of angry hard rock. i am in a hard rock mood right now. screw the world.
"he wasn't what i wanted
what i thought, no
he wouldn't even open up the door
he never made me feel like i was special
he isn't really what i'm looking for"
but he DID open up the door, and make me feel special, and he IS the kind of guy i'm looking for.
hm. i guess i only want to be angry tonight.
i'm an anger poser.
thanks, avril.
i'm so wrapped up in this guy, i need to just cool it. let him come to me, if he wants.
i saw jj again today on my way into the bathroom for a shower. she was going back to her room, and we said hi. i'm thinking she's not too fond of me...whatever, i'm just going to let things lie and not do anything. if david is interested in me, he will ask me out. if not, oh well. there will be other boys. just because she got to him first (she just moved here) and i have known him vaguely for five months doesn't mean i have more of a chance. for one thing, the only time we've talked for more than two minutes was friday, and furthermore...i don't know, furthermore my ass. i'm not making any moves unless he does and quick. of course, i haven't told mom my now lengthy unrequited love story, perhaps she'll have a new take on it. i tried to tell dad, but it was so awkward. he basically gave me some generic advice and then asked if there wasn't someone else i could talk to, like my RA or roommate, or mom. how idiotic is that? he's always like that--if there's trouble, he'd rather just not hear about it. real supportive, punk. he did have sanity where i didn't though, geez i just wish i had somewhere and someone to really talk to about my situation. i think i've made a good decision, i don't want to interrupt anything between the two of them if that's what i'm doing. i'm the crazy one in this picture, i do believe. why? oh, only because i have been internet stalking this guy for quite some time now, and for the past few days i have had so many mood swings i think i will fall over. there are so many questions i have, yet now is the time to be nonchalant, uncurious. right now i am just waiting, and i hope i find clarity soon.
from another diarist, aglaia:
"He does call himself a Christian, but he doesn't really act accordingly. I don't know if that's smart or just the obvious flaw of the Christian ideals. I mean why do so many Christians have trouble living a Christian life. Is it really Satan? Are people just too lazy to care? Or is it just so much of a completely unnatural life, that even if it's something you believe in, natural behavior always wins. It's like the Tao, that I am studying in Asian Philosophy. It is just living the way of life, or the Tao that leads by spontaneous actions and nature."
i can't figure out whether david is buddhist or christian or...? i have no idea.
and here's another quote from aglaia's diary:
"We walk in and there are two guys on the floor right by the entrance playing a game of chess. Both look reasonably nice, although I'm still apprehensive to coming in and meeting all these new people not of "my kind." I figured before hand, I would just smile a lot. Even if I looked totally out of place, everyone has to like a happy, friendly person, right? :)"
that reminds me so much of when i was with john and his buddies in diamondhead records! i was almost a complete foreigner, grinning away since i had nothing particularly interesting to say, just soaking it all in and enjoying the unique scene. i was so young amongst those people, those 20-somethings, one of which was engaged. i'm shy in the first place, but woah was i shy then!
also--
(can i keep you reading?)
i saw this quote on a bumper sticker on someone's motorcycle and wrote it down:
"Your silence will not protect you." - Audre Lorde
oh, but sometimes it does!
i'm hoping it will in this case...
1:53 a.m. - 2006-02-21
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