backyard crowing
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play day #1
went to the gym about an hour and a half ago, but it was much too crowded. five people is crowded to this hermit crab. i just read a few questionable content comic strips, and now i'm scared. i'm one of those people now--those people who stress over relationships and measly litte details. i'm an analyzer of words now, and i don't know if i want this after all. i guess i'm just intimidated. i've adjusted to my own little world, and part of me just doesn't want to be bothered. now i must think about him, and whether or not i should go visit him, and how often, and why did he say this-or-that, and am i really skinny enough to be dating such a guy? all these thoughts are streaming through my head, and yet when we're just chatting, i don't get caught up in my pondering. the times i have seen him have been more laid back than ever. he's just a really, really, really nice guy. if he deserved better than jenn, am i any better than her?
i'm pmsing, i think that's why i'm freaking out. i'm bloated and feeling fat...which makes me think i can't date a guy because of the way i look. i don't want to scrutinize, i want to look at indie cartoons on the internet and laugh, glad that i'm not in their boat.
but then life happens, and i feel a sunshiny turn of weather and i just want to be free, rolling in the grass or swinging from a tree. his arms i don't need, his words i don't heed, only his smile makes him worth the while. so put on that grin, your shine from within, and off i go leaping and keeping no promises yet.
but the boy has far from trapped me.
i still don't need a faye-marten-dora triangle in my life, and really, who does?
silly cartoons.
and to think, i've already thought twice now about whether or not i want to go call it off with the man. then again, what is 'on', anyway? we're not...in a relationship, as facebook proclaims it. unless of course he wants that. i would be okay with it, i think, but i'm so nervous about everything. i'm scared, i'll admit it openly. i don't know what to expect, or what not to expect. dating is like walking into a bar nude. but we're all naked in the first place, so why try to hide?
2:02 am - Thursday, Mar. 02, 2006
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