backyard crowing


bye brazilian boy


Hi. I don't want to be weird or dramatic or anything like that, but I do want to say and ask a few things, since I don't do much saying or asking even when there's a lot on my mind. First of all, I just want to thank you

aw, hell no. i don't want to thank him for breaking up with me in a 'nice', or 'polite' manner. i'm still pissed that he moved on to the next topic right away, which was some video game called Silent Hill 2, which i wanted to put down and speak with him face-to-face.

and now he's playing cards with his buddies! and here i am, sitting alone in my room (quite happy that leila isn't back from the gym yet complaining that i'm now eating up all the calories i just burned)

if i had known he was breaking up with me tonight, i would have dressed better. he usually dresses more stylishly than i do, sadly. he's always adorable though. fuck.

and leila asked me if i was still rooming on the tenth floor next year

and i've now come to the decision that i WILL have requirements for the guys i date. i WILL have standards.
that is not to say that i've dated every guy that has asked me out, or that i never had standards, only that i went out as many times as i could,

i was old even in my youth.

one day i will say i was old even in my youth, only i wish i was old now, so that people wouldn't look at me funny like they did joni mitchell when she wrote "both sides now".

he asked me right after he broke the news, "What game do you want to play?" Now i wish i had said, "Do you have any fighting games? Like crazy, bloody, ass-kicking games? I could really use one of those right now."

i'm trying to remember how it felt when i broke up with adam. adam. he was my first real boyfriend, and the first man God made. he wasn't for me, though, and after leaving him for the last time i know i felt relieved. i was completely happy to be done with all of that mess, to have finished with him. the first thing i did after breaking up with him was go home and pack to go to austin. so yeah...i'm not much different.

playing that video game was all he knew how to do. he loves silent hill II, and letting me play it (it's a one-player game) was generous of him. video games are a way he relieves his stress. he was doing all he knew how to do.

now i need to just decide if i want to dissapear from his life altogether, or if i want to keep in touch regularly as friends. if i have absolutely no chance of ever dating him again in the future, then i don't want to waste my time worrying or thinking about it, or making sure to have much hanging out time with the tenth floorians. if there is a chance he might want to start dating in the future...(and he said there was)...then i just need to decide for myself if i want that possible future, if i want to wait around for him. marten waited around for faye, but then she turned around and told him not to. i'm wondering...i don't want him to tell me not to wait, but at the same time i don't want to wait. comprende? i want to have my cake and eat it, too. and hey, we were never too serious about the whole dating thing anyway. it's ridiculous of me to start analyzing who i was with him when he may be telling the honest-to-God truth that he just doesn't have time right now for a girlfriend, and he's going through some rough stuff right now. i want to be there for him as a friend, and i want him to know i'm there for him. i guess that's all i want to say to him.

bottom line is this: "time" to me means several months. if i am going to give robson "time", i won't ask him out or make a move on him until maybe october or november, after this semester has finished, summer has passed, and most of the next semester after has finished. by that time, he will be in new classes, he'll have new problems, and maybe if he's single he'll be interested. this is ALL HYPOTHETICAL. he might meet a girl tommorow (or he might have been dating her all along) and then they might get married and live happily ever after. (worst case scenario). i might also meet a guy sometime and fall madly in love, or at least more in like than i have ever been before. or maybe by that time i will no longer have feelings for him, or vice versa.

- Saturday, Apr. 01, 2006


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