backyard crowing


mes pensees

you know, i've been thinking about my previous veiled diss about drawing fruit. i'm not one to talk, as i said before, but i wish to re-emphasize this. why should i shutup? because:

1. i'm not an artist (at least not a painting/drawing sort of artist)
2. the only piece of art i was ever proud of as a kid was a painting of a vase with flowers in it - the class was trying to imitate van gogh's flower paintings
3. i forgot the third reason; i swear to you i had one


i've been reading up on s&m lately (it's a random web surfing habit i have), and i started thinking about john. he worked for half price books last summer, i'm not sure if he's still there. he was so unbelievably attractive, but 26. i, on the other hand, was 19. he played guitar in a doom band and we had a few dates. our last one ended at his apartment watching that movie Office Space. he was so sweet, he tickled me to the floor and started rubbing my stomach, oddly enough. it took him forever to admit his tickling fetish! he told me over the phone, it was so cute. during the movie i kept wondering what we were going to do--makeout? have sex? who knew?! it was all a big surprise. i would not ever have had sex with him, maybe a makeout session...but the whole time i was thinking about poor adam, another guy i was seeing at the time. ironically i wasn't attracted to adam! he didn't do anything for me! yet he was the one i went back to. i wish sometimes i had never gotten involved with him, and that i had stuck with (hmm) john. i would have eventually broken up with john (he was 26, who am i kidding?) but it would have been nice to have such a hot guy after me...dominating me! well. i wouldn't have had sex with him. ANYWAYS.......

john and i never would have worked. he doubted God's existence more than i felt comfortable with, and he was much more intelligent than i. he loved history, the peloponesian wars, gothic art and weaponry. he was fantastic!

he loved yngwie malmsteen a bit too much, considered the man God. to this day when i see a malmsteen cd in the stores, i think of him.

i wasn't being realistic dating him, but he was a lot of fun to hang out with. somewhat cocky, as most lead guitarists are, but nice. he told me while we were at his apartment that he liked the s&m thing, and i don't think i even knew what that was! so of course it didn't bother me. it doesn't really bother me's just another way to have fun and experiment with sex. quite frankly, the idea of being submissive to a master sounds appealing. i don't like the idea of pain, but plenty of teasing would suit me. ;)

man i dig the bearded guys!

so here's the fantasy for him:

i've become a wench at the renaissance festival. he has finally gotten a chance to attend the festival, and he sees me up there. he's single, of course. i'm funny and i impress everyone with my quick wit and obnoxiousness, and he meets me after my shift for an ale. he wins a kissing certificate and we exchange it with each other all night long.........pshhh, would NEVER happen, but woah!


i had a WEIRD dream today. i say today because i slept from 5 am or so to 5:30 pm. a nice, solid 12 hours. my dream was that i was at some sort of big film festival, and i was only wearing a t-shirt--no bra or underwear, that's less than i slept in. i went into a screening room where a crowd of people sat. we were waiting for the film to start when the person who owned the theater announced we all had to leave, because someone important had died earlier in or around that room, and we could not use it out of respect for the person. so we all filed out of the room, dissappointed about not seeing the movie. i went to a nice dinner instead (this was a nice film festival) with a bunch of people i didn't know. then david showed up, and the only seat left was a few down from me. he saw me, but he didn't make eye contact or acknowledge me. he started to talk to me, but only vaguely, as if he didn't want to. i turned away from him.

at some point i left the dinner and found myself wandering around asking people if they needed anyone to sleep with them, like a whore. i asked several people, and one lady told me she knew of some lesbians who might want my services. i walked over to them and asked them, and they told me a time and place that they planned to meet. it was going to be like one big orgy, and i wasn't wild about the idea, but i accepted their offer. i kept walking around, trying to find the rest of my clothes and my suitcase, and finally located them. finally i found them oudoors on some steps. dad found me and wanted me to leave the festival and come home to what i guess was the hotel we were staying at. i told him i would, and he returned to the hotel. i packed up my bags and then left him to go to the festival instead.


tommorow is mother's day. i need to call mom today and tell her that i have a d in anthro, i was only able to register for 1 of the 2 tests, and that i need to buy an expensive camera for my photojournalism class next year. UGH.


i'm learning that food is a cheap thrill. i need to stop being so easily amused.


"all by myself
i'm so much better on my own"
guster's 'center of attention'

i'm about done with parents. i'm not just saying i'm sick of them, but in truth i really am almost finished with them. in three years (maybe shorter) i plan on living in new york as some sort of journalist -- probably writing obituaries or gophering -- but my dependence upon them -- is almost over.

that deserves a hearty 'w00t!'


"stay with me my,
my darling..."

you know that thing that i do when i like a guy? when i put his last name after my first and see how it sounds? okay, i need to stop with that. is that not a distortion of reality? enough.

to any other person, may 9th is an ordinary day. but to me, may 9th is mbomg day. that's Meyers-Briggs Oh My Gosh Day, to you.

when i think about him, i remember that she's thinking about him, too. they went for coffee at mozart's tonight. am i silly for all this? i don't enjoy the thought of her thinking about him, or us thinking about him simultaneously.

for a woman of words, you sure make mistakes often.

only am i a woman of words? i'm relatively silent.

his mind is open to everything, and i love that about him. his youth, his freedom and utter disregard for silly, official titles and rules. then again perhaps i am more like him then i think. i, for one, have an utter disregard for calling him her boyfriend, or her his girlfriend.

what's in a name, anyway?

but may 9th? may 9th i will remember.


i want to take a sign language class or two - learn to appreciate the ears you have


i believe i have found balance in my social activities this year.

last year i worried that i didn't spend enough time with my friends to bolster our relationships. now i feel the same, but less concerned about it, because i'm less concerned about them. they're different people, for one, and more mature. i'm not afraid i'll lose them, even though most of us are all moving to separate places next year. they're important to me, i enjoy their company, but i won't miss them terribly this summer, either. i'm glad i met them, and i'm sure i'll keep seeing them come fall, just not as often. there is something about this year (this semester in particular) that i can't quite put my finger on. it seems i am always in a transitional state, that every moment in my life is an important one, and that my decisions now and always are far-reaching. and when i think about it, decisions are what make me who i am, and what makes everyone who they are. we are nothing without our decisions. life is a constant decision. every second you're breathing you can choose to be whoever you want. it's totally and completely up to you. you get a brand new blank slate every second, you can start over whenever you want. in the words of my ap, "it's never too late to be what you might have been." i don't think i'll ever forget that, it's one of the best and most encouraging lessons a person can learn.

i've also learned what it means to have a friend lose a family member.

i've never been so close to a person at the time they found out about a death in the family. i can't relate to the death of leila's grandfather at all; i have no idea how she must feel. i pray for her and i try to be the best kind of friend i know how to be. i'm trying to learn how to care about people more, to be there for them. i hope i've been there for her, and that i will be in the future as well. she's a doll, she deserves all the best out of life.

i've learned (again) to get good sleep and study a little bit each day.

i've learned that professors can be super nice if you'll just talk to them.

i've learned that shyness isn't such a bad thing. i'm trying all the time to accept my quiet personality, to accept that i am who i am. my mother tells me timidity gets you nowhere, and she's right, but i don't know if she appreciates its benefits, either. people assume that if you aren't saying anything, you don't care or aren't interested or involved. i listen attentively, and i'm active in conversation situations often enough......lost my trail of thought.


i'm so in love with the band eisley. they're from texas, and siblings. i read about them in a couple of magazines, and i believe i listened at least one of their songs out of curiosity. finally, i've downloaded seven of their songs, and found love.


i've been listening to my wedding dance mix. i've decided i need a fun guy, because i am a fun girl. i can't see myself dancing these songs with anyone too serious. ;)

it's probably typical to want to date a fun guy, but i guess this is just me saying to myself, "hey, brooding is good, but fun is great."


you know what david did the other day? made my heart beat. and it wasn't the coffee, he can, in fact, pass that test.


i feel like i should be more interested in religion. and not specifically MY religion, just religion in general. because how we live our lives is all we have, and how we live our lives is our religion. we are always a step away from whatever religion we claime to fall under, because we are all individuals. we need to figure out what we can and can't live with, what we consider truth, what we believe. okay *i* need to figure it out. then maybe i can worry about a man friend.

- Saturday, May. 13, 2006


lovesounds - futuresex


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