backyard crowing


where you don't

listening to: the evens

mom is thinking about getting an ipod. i have been giving her advice as to which one she might want to buy.

i really hope somebody hires me, and quickly.

my mom is trying to encourage me by saying things like, "go into each interview just expecting that they'll hire you. just walk in and ask with a smile, 'are you hiring?' don't make it seem like it's the fortieth time you've asked that question, even though it is." she's very with it.

she's also threatening to hire me. if i don't have a job by friday, she will make me do housework and busywork starting at 8 am everyday, and the pay will be below minimum wage. yes. believe it. she threatened to do that last year, and every year i have been jobhunting. damnit. somebody had better think i'm charming, and fast. kroger. come ON, kroger. you know you want me.


i have developed a new plan. he goes to starbucks. i know his home address. i will go to that starbucks and order a decaf coffee of the week (it has the fewest calories, minus the caffeine) as often as i have time. preferably late at night, or at lunchtime. i just want to see him again, to bump into him randomly. i think if i go to the closest coffeehouse to his home, eventually i may run into him. i am horrible. i am a little fangirl. i am the girl who would not let go.

"What is wrong with you?"
-Everything Is Illuminated


so david's summer is much like my last summer was--full of 50-60 hour work weeks, with nothing but work, all of the time.

his facebook profile says his heart hurts. he and the girl briana broke up. i do hope he's okay, i know he really liked her. but i can't help being a little bit happy to hear that news.

his profile says his only time off is late at night and at lunchtime as well.

it also says for people to call him up to hang out as well, since he doesn't have many chances to.

i would call him up...i should call him up. his number is on his profile, why not? because. because he never really asked me out.

his profile also says he is single and looking for dating. i updated mine, now it says looking for friendship and dating. i'm nervous about that status, because what if i do start dating someone? *him*, dare i say? the boundaries of "In A Relationship" and "Single" are so flimsy. what does it mean, "In A Relationship"? when is it appropriate to call you and a guy "In A Relationship"? does that phrase mean you're taken and cannot date anyone else? does it mean you...WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

anyhow, i don't think i would want to initiate a status of In A Relationship with a dude. they have to go first with that. seriously.

because here's the catch:
if you are with a guy, and you want to be exclusive, you'll probably take "single" off of your profile and just put nothing in that blank at all. you will probably also not include that you're looking for ANYTHING. then your guy will see that and freak out. "OH MY GOSH!" he will gasp, "SHE WANTS TO GET SERIOUS!!! WHAT NOW?!?!?!?!"

"We have to end it."
-Moulin Rouge

oooooor, just the opposite could happen. you could be dating a guy for a while, and if you don't take "single" off your profile, he might think "OH MY GOSH SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME." like, woah. i don't need that kind of stress.

so maybe facebook just isn't for me. ah, it's so addictive. best dating service EVAR. without it i would never have known his status. ever.

they totally should have had a sadie hawkin's dance at my high school. if we had had one of those, who knows where i would be now? goodness knows i would have asked some poor, unexpecting chap to the dance, because i'm experimental like that, especially in opportune situations.

i don't want his heart to hurt. i don't know what kind of girl he wants, or even if he wants a girl at all right now, because of his girl experience lately. i don't know that i have anything to offer him. i don't know if all i would do is annoy him. maybe he knows i like him. maybe he doesn't want my company. maybe i should just live and let die. or what, live and wait? wait for what? until we get back to school? what can i really do right now? i could call him. i could hang out at the starbucks near his house until i 'accidentally' run into him there. i could out and out go to his house, and leave a mixtape in his mailbox. would he figure it out? would he know? how on earth would he know? would something like that completely and utterly freak him out?

i can see myself having a hard time getting over him, especially since i can't seem to get past him.


here's an idea for the mixtape letter (yes, i'm actually considering driving across town to his house and dropping a mixtape in his mailbox):

hey david,
here are a few tunes to (hopefully) entertain you. i wanted to give this to you before, but didn't think it wise. well, enjoy, and if you ever figure out what weird girl i am, then you can decide for yourself if you think of me in yellow or red. or colorless, for that matter. either way, i felt like had to do something.
all the best,
and remember to rest.


but what if he's not interested? what if he couldn't be more turned off by the sight of me? what if i am just some chick? what if? i could go on and on with what ifs.

what if i'm sick and tired of not acting, and not knowing?

but should i know? should i know by now? is this something i'm just supposed to understand innately, without saying a word?

if he lived only a few doors away from me for so many months, would he not have asked me out if he was interested? but did he not sort of ask me out...three times? four?

am i just getting my hopes up?

jumping to conclusions?

assuming the best?

thinking wishfully?

who knows? i will, if i do anything about this...

and you know what? perhaps i'll feel better if i go ahead with this plan. if i make such a bold move, it can only boost my confidence, even if i only face rejection. it's just like when i told robson i wanted to kiss him...i felt such joy, an absolute rush, after i told him what was really on my mind.


the cd title?

les chansons de silence.

is that too obvious? perhaps...


this quote is on his facebook profile:

My motto,
I didn't write but this I quote:
It's not where you put your words,
It's where you don't

- Monday, Jun. 12, 2006


lovesounds - futuresex


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