backyard crowing


new york, new york

have you ever found yourself in a position where you think you are about to go on a date with a carbon copy of your father? or mother, for that matter?

that's where i am now...and i'm not so sure i'm keen on it.

do i really like this guy? he has known me for three years and now he's asking me out? it's sort of sweet. i don't get it. what does he see in me? i guess i should just be happy that somebody likes me. but i'm not going to sit on my bum and settle for less. i don't think he's "less"; i don't know what to think of him. he's nice and all, but he listens to npr, and he's extremely into classical music. he's highly educated. he wonders about weird stuff that most people usually don't care about. he's curious. he enjoys teaching others. i don't know if i want a walking fact book walking around my whole life long, especially since that's what i've had so far, and it's not the most fun.

sometimes a girl just needs someone to be next to her, not inform her as to what a theremin is. (a theremin is not the greatest example of a boring topic--after all, it does relate to music).

i haven't seen him since church camp three years ago, but we chat on aim whenever i get online. the thing is, he's such a bore to chat with. way too wordy, and he capitalizes EVERYTHING. i don't know, i just don't think i'm anywhere near as intelligent as he is, and he'll probably bore of me. or maybe i will bore of him. will i be attracted to him, or he to i? we haven't seen each other in three years. three years. i mean, i don't remember being very attracted to him at the time, he was just a nice guy! i didn't think of him as anything other than a friend. and perhaps he didn't ask me out...but i think he did. we'll see if he tries to pay.

i think i change a little with every guy i date. i'm uh...not too happy with that.

i don't know. i don't know if i want to date him or not. i guess this impression will be important.

he's a lot more religious than i am, too.
three bands that don't get enough recognition:

engine down - broke up as soon as i found out they existed. i accidentally downloaded one of their songs and loved it. that was the beginning of an obsession. they rock because they seem to have two different kinds of songs: the mopey, mellow kind, and the hard rocking kind. i love the lead singer's clear voice, and my gosh, just everything about this band. check them out!

five iron frenzy - it's a christian ska band. they broke up a while back (i can't remember when, but not terribly long ago), and they have a habit of always having a joke track on their albums. they aren't too young, but i like their sound. very uppity, trumpety, and saxaphonalicious. they are what got me interested in ska. my oklahoman cousins introduced me to them while we were riding in their van to a family reunion. they started singing at the top of their lungs to the fast moving lyrics and my mouth fell open. it was the strangest, most obnoxious music i had ever heard. after a few listens, i couldn't get enough. i actually made it a point to sneak away from the family just so i could go listen to the one tape they had. i got caught, but they weren't angry or anything... and so goes the tale of my fascination with five iron frenzy.

guster - i heard their song amsterdam on the radio and typed the lyrics into google. i never, ever hear them on the radio anymore, and i never heard anything but the one song. they make great use of bongo drums, incorporating unusual percussive instruments into the typical mix. beautiful voices, great songwriting, and a nice, high tech website.


this summer i have decided that:

i am going to hang out in record stores and coffeeshops often so that i do not feel the need to hit on anyone i know at work, wherever that is. SOMEBODY HIRE ME I AM NOT INCAPABLE OF BAGGING GROCERIES.



know my parents?
yeah, i do, too.
i hate them.
no really, hate them.

why the fuck didn't they just use a condom? it would have saved them a whole hell of a lot of trouble.


so pretty much, i hate my mom again. as usual.

the time in which it takes her to go from angel to devil is 1/2000 of a second.

how do i hate thee? let me count the ways.

i can't wait to move the hell out of this idiot state. i want to live as far away as i possibly can from my parents. i want to always have to take a plane to see them. that is how little i want them in my life.


what would i need?
1. a job
2. a place
3. transportation to the job
4. food and things like hot water and gas
5. a new cell phone, and a plan (an extremely cheap one). even i know how important it is to have a cellphone. i'm going to need to have a phone with me 24/7 so that i can call 911 if emergency strikes.

i have to stand up to her now, or i am no one. i can imagine screaming that sentence at her.

what to take?:
-bedding (a sleeping bag if it's not too big, but it probably would be)
-a pillow
-a few pieces of silverware (preferably not plastic), a couple of cups, a couple of plates, a bowl for soup
-a watch (until i get a new cellphone)
-a backpack, probably
-pencil and paper
-a calendar of some sort
-my passport
-my birth certificate
-shot records and doctor's records
-my SS card
-a few books, not many at all
-some food for the first few days, i don't want to be eating out a whole lot at all
-2 of my biggest suitcases and my purse
-my smaller purse
-mace/pepper spray
-condoms (in case anyone tries to rape me, i can at least beg them to use them)
-my ihome alarm clock
-my cheapo alarm clock, in case something horrific happens and my ihome gets nicked (i can't lose my job no matter what)
-money, as much of it as i can muster -- i will figure more out on that later, as of now
-my laptop and its cord
-stupid forgetful items like facewash, toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, body wash (bar soap, even, i'm sure it's cheaper). a little makeup. keep in mind that EVERYTHING is more expensive there.
-go to walmart and stock up for a couple of months' worth of this crap
-unenroll from UT, collect or pay any money that needs to happen with that process
-cancel my college loan, or pay it back early
-get any money from my grant back, if i can
-pictures? nah. no need.
-the film camera? maybe. if nothing else, i could go and sell it.
-my digital camera
-money to get me from my taxi from the airport to my new place (can't forget that little tidbit)
-a few detailed maps
-a subway map
-a subway pass
-a way to get to work
-i would have to close down my bank account and (maybe) start a new one. maybe i could just say to hell with banks and be my own banker, though.
-sell both clarinets
-LAUNDRY MONEY (in quarters or otherwise)
-a few work uniforms so i don't have to always be washing clothes
-quarters for phone calls from a phone booth until i get phone service set up (if i ever decide to spring for a home phone)
-money to keep me afloat for the first three months (i think i can locate a job in that amount of time, or two, whatever it takes)
-anything i can get free from the airlines (pillow, blanket, playing cards even)
-a warm winter coat
-an itty bitty black and white basic tv (if there are robbers in the neighborhood, i want to know)
-see if you can't sell your stereos, TV, and any other electronic device that you don't need
-your mini flashlight for your purse
-figure out where to get a cellphone, how much cellphone plans cost, and HOW to get to your cellphone dealer, HOW to pay your cell phone bill
-a few common tools, if anything needs a quick fix
-my dignity
-my strength
-my determination
-my perseverance
-my foot, down.
-my scathing voice
-my ideals
-my smile
-my fortitude
-my power
-my sense of self-worth
-my ability
-my aptitude
-my skills
-my blood
-my sweat
-my tears
-my confidence
-my charm
-my strength
-my strength
-my strength
-my strength
-my strength
-my strength
-my strength
-my strength

staying grounded.

I will endure.


i belong in new york, in grainy black and white, in massapequa, in babylon; calloused and weathered, a child of history, a remnant of another time. i belong where independence reigns supreme and raw self-reliance is all that remains. i belong where conquest and the dream begins, and not the american dream, because that makes no difference, but the overarching human dream. not the pursuit of happiness, but the life that is mine for the taking if i reach far enough. i belong where glitz and glamour don't; i defy all that is beautiful and petty. i let go any addiction to convenience i may have developed, and i challenge everyone to do the same. i belong where the people churn away at life, where they are in a constant state of defense, where they need their wits about them. i belong there, far from my upbringings and any friends, in a frigid, bustling city excited with voices and multitudes. they're screaming. i belong there, chanting with humanity, and still miles away within my own imagination. i belong where every corner i turn is the wrong one, where the streets have no name. i belong to struggle. i belong in a place so thriving and exhaustive that it never sleeps. i belong nowhere on earth, but if nowhere was somewhere, that's where i'd be.

this is what i've decided. new york.

new york, new york.


where independence reigns
self-reliance remains

- Tuesday, Jun. 13, 2006


lovesounds - futuresex


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