backyard crowing


i don't want to be broken

i hope i get paid tommorow, but i don't even know yet when i get paid.

it's 11:45pm, i should go to bed now.

i have lots to tell--i've had three dreams lately! one about me killing a bunch of cockroaches and one where i ran over an eight-year-old while going downhill on a feeder road. yeah. that last one freaked me out quite a bit.

odd thing: leila told me she had a dream that she ran over a kid, and it disturbed her. maybe it was cristy who had that dream, but i THINK it was leila. i go back and forth trying to decide who it was...

another dream had a couple of days ago: i had a few siblings, and we had a high school aged friend whose parents had just died in a freak rollerskating accident. we thought it would be best to try and console her, so we strapped her to a gigantic rollerskate, so that she could see that rollerskating really is fun, and it doesn't always end in death. kooky, right? well, we all had the best of intentions, and initially i thought it was a great idea, for reasons i can't now remember. after she rode around in the thing for a while, she started saying insanely, 'i'm a teenager in a rollerskate' over and over again, almost screaming it. that was when i realized our brilliant plan to help her had backfired. mom said she didn't even know where to begin analyzing that one.

i'm super tired and i'm finding that i haven't nearly enough time to write as i might like lately. boo. major boo.

"It's all downhill from here." - New Found Glory

i wish i could have used my nfg ticket in san antonio!

speaking of which, erica mentioned to me on xanga that i should come to sa. i should! i mean, erica, elyse, and leah all live there in their own apartments now. wow! we're all growing up so quickly, i'm so happy! i've got friends in high places!

i bet they're glad they've managed to get away from their parents during summers, too.

oh, and erica is in sweden! she writes that they have 'insanely cute nordic fashions', tasty pig's blood pudding, and that guy swedes dig chunkier chics. they say her sister needs to eat! oh, heck yes! sweden is a destination that i never considered as a vacation spot, but if the dudes are into mildly meatier maidens? it's a must. besides, erica says she's going to score a cottage in that country one day, and she wants guests.

and yes, she says the pudding is enjoyable, despite its title. i wonder if it truly has pig's blood as an ingredient? let's hope not, but in europe, who knows? it's the world; everything is edible! and delicious, at that...

it would be nice to return erica's favor and go see her in sa. i mean wow, she drove all the way to atx for me, and i think she enjoyed herself. i know i was really happy to see her again, and it was nice to have her at my play. MY play. listen to me. THE play. the french play. :) *fond memories begin*

listening to: new found glory's "doubt full" off of the album "catalyst"

"catalyst" is not as good an album as "sticks and stones", but i like it more the more i hear it.

today i went to the bank to take my mother's name off of my checking and savings accounts, because since my overdraft fees were a few too many, and she didn't want me giving her bad credit. here's the thing: i'm happy. she thinks she's punishing me, but i'd MUCH rather just have my own account. she only causes me stress in this department. infact, she only causes me stress in most departments. when we had a joint account, she refused to let me have what wells fargo calls a "College Credit Card."

here are the advantages of the card:

1. if you spend over what you have in your checking account, that mistake does not show up in your credit history.

2. if you spend over what you have in your checking account, the fee for that is TEN DOLLARS per day of naughty bad fun rather than THIRTY THREE DOLLARS for every single little purchase over what you have. in plain english this means that if i have no idea that i don't have the money to be buying things one day, that i will be charged a $10 fee for that indiscretion plus whatever i bought INSTEAD of being charged a whopping $33 for every last purchase, be it one dollar for a drink or fifty for cds.

3. it builds credit history, and i have not ever had a credit card. i'm ready for one, and i'm repsonsible enough for one. AND, i don't need or want one. the only reason i have a desire for this card is because of the reasons i have just stated. so yeah, my mom is insane for not taking advantage of these benefits.

i also want to mention that the card is completely free of charge.

i see why she would think the card is bad:

1. the interest rate is somewhat high. yes, but if i'm not USING the card, and i only have it for the case that i have overdrafted my account, then i cannot do much damage at all. i am considering cutting up the card the moment it receive it in the mail. that way the only time i have to pay a credit card bill is when i overdraft, which is hardly ever anyhow.

2. it's better for the bank to give you this offer. well, sure. they wouldn't offer this service if it didn't benefit them. MEANWHILE, i am saving an assload of money by bank-divorcing you because instead of paying $250 in overdraft fees, i'm paying about $30, and my credit isn't going downhill. i can't wait to really divorce you fully, mom. it will be heaven to get permanently away from her. of course, there will be visits and plenty of phone conversations, but after i'm off on my own, i don't plan on seeing her very often. i won't need her, i don't need her, and i'll be better off without her. what am i saying? i AM better off without her. college has done wonders for my self confidence. i HAVE to get away from that monster. good grief, what is her problem? i sat today just thinking about her, and she pissed me off. i can never be good enough for her, so what's the point? it's no use trying to please her, and i'm so sick of her. what a complete bastard. she touched my hair in front of shawn (her best friend) the other day, and i couldn't be more pissed. what, she wants to be all lovey-dovey in front of guests? oh, sure she does. she has told shawn all about our new found yet ever present hatred of each other, about our constant state of anger, and she wants shawn to be on her side in conversation. how petty. let's get my best friend to agree that i am the 'right' one and my daughter is some kind of insane heathen who needs to be broken. that's what i am to my mother, something to be broken. what if i don't want to be broken? what if i hate her? what if i've always hated her?

so that's what life is like right now.


there is a facebook group called "Graduating In Four Years Is Like Leaving A Party At 10:30!"

- Friday June 30, 2006


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