backyard crowing



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It.

We can be anything, right?
A card-carrying member of the pearly gates, even?
What then?
What of it?
What if we can never reach so far?
If we already touched our furthest star?

The bells have tolled,
The rooster crowed
My destiny has changed forever.

My destiny?
What destiny?
Changed?
Forever?

Let me explain the pain
Where to begin,
Unforgivable Sin?

She sent me sprawling,
Choking on tornados

“Goddamn her,”
I said,
“Goddamn her,”
I wrote,

And threw away the paper to be slowly disintegrated into the warm, steamy earth where someday all our limbs embrace.

After twenty years,
She is more than I can endure
I have snapped, cracked, broken?
I cannot lift my head
As my neck will no longer support it.
Will no longer support It.

It.
Him.
Her.
The.
The God.

Yet my heart keeps pounding,
Steadily like the others.

We race, but who draws the finish line?

If I died today, everyone would say,
“She’s in a better place,”
And hey,
Such words
Bring
Such people
Such solace,
Such relief,
Such ignorance.

To everyone I am still no one—
That girl walking down the street,
That friend,
That acquaintance,
That niece,
That student,
That daughter, if I may.

But inside, has my heart hardened?
Has my smile warped?
How can I be insufferably transparent my whole life,
And now,
Now that I need to be known,
The world is blind?

From within my clammy skull peer
New eyes,
Old eyes,
Calloused eyes,
Faithless, jaded green

And now,
To deny?
Now,, three tolls shy?

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she abuses me. and not as a parent, but as a fellow human being. No one should treat anyone like the way my mother treats me. not I, nor anyone, deserves the kind of hell she puts me through.

she abuses me. those words pop on the page. they don't seem like something that would happen to me, but there they remain, truthful and heartbreaking.

she abuses me.

- wednesday, Jul. 19, 2006
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