backyard crowing
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a list that will never end
listening to: guster's album Parachute
my relationship with my mother is a volcano. the past few days have seen nothing but eruptions and accusations, but now the burning is somewhat cooler, and we're dormant. the next time we freak out on each other will probably be tommorow. yes, we do hate each other this much.
i don't understand. why can't we love each other? why won't she believe in me?
1. i am too much like my dad for her (she couldn't live with him, he couldn't live with her, now i can't live with either of them)
2. she doesn't think i'll make it out of texas and into new york, she doesn't believe in me
3. she's always yelling at me, and even about the stupid things.
example: she asked me to take out the trash, and i forgot. she woke me up an hour and a half earlier than my alarm clock rang to scream at me that i had forgot. if you have half a brain, you understand how pissed off shit like that makes me, and the rest of the world, as well. who the fuck does she think she is?
4. she takes out all of her anger on me, whether i am at fault or not
5. she frustrates much to easily. she makes a big deal out of stupid, insignificant, daily annoyances. if life is not absolutely perfect, she's out-of-her-mind angry
6. she's mental (ocd plus a certain degree of every other mental illness there is)
7. i cannot live with a person anything like her. we suck at cohabitation. there's an understatement for you.
8. she takes everything i say the wrong way, and if i confide in her, she uses it against me or starts yelling about how i didn't do something correctly
9. she thinks i'm an idiot
10. she's so self-centered that she wants me to be just like her.
11. she's convinced that all men are the enemy
12. she won't let me live my own life and make my own mistakes. she wants to try and protect me, but i am suffocating
13. i am never, ever good enough for her
14. if i do 'right', she doesn't notice, but when i do wrong, her head pops off
15. i don't even like being in the same room with her, because i always feel like she's about to pounce
16. if i'm thinking, she yells at me to hurry up, to DO something, good grief. i THINK. that's what i DO. a thoughtless life has no object, so i think all the time. often when i think, i don't move. often i simply sit still and stare off into space. she doesn't understand that. you have to let me be, let me come out of my trance, let me wonder my what-ifs. as said in toy story 2: "You can't rush art!"
17. she is a morning person. enough said.
18. she hates driving and has little interest in travel. already, we are in cahoots.
19. she wants me to be fashionable and wear makeup. i can enjoy being a girl without any of that crap that companies try and force feed you.
20. we have been fighting for years. we're fundamentally different. we just keep hurting each other, over and over and over and over again. when will it end? i have to get away from this city. i have to get my degree and get the hell away from her and here.
- monday, Jul. 17, 2006
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