backyard crowing
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misoury
(handwritten): I have a feeling this will last much longer than just three pages. I'm off today and tommorow, very excited about that. Last night I was chatting with Marcus, and I was so turned on. I called him since I lost internet connection and wanted to keep talking. I don't know if I'll ever meet Marcus again, I don't know if I should. We're both desperately horny, and I'm not sure what to do. I hardly know him I don't even know if I like him. I don't know if I trust him, or if he's someone to be trusted. We didn't have phone sex per se last night, we just talked about masturbating. He wanted me to describe to him how I masturbated, and I was so uncomfortable, I clammed up. I wonder if he was masturbating at the time, his voice sounded like he could have been... I don't know if I should run or what. I've certainly revealed a motherlode about sex and how I feel about it to him. He knows, for the most part, my sexual history, and how I'm frustrated that at age 20 I have yet to receive a French kiss. I don't want to get married anytime soon, yet I still want to save sex for marriage. But I want to make out. And I don't want to hurt him. What if he's genuinely interested in me? I'm only looking for an FWB relationship, I know I don't want to really date or pursue an actual relationship with him. I've never been at this point in my life. As a high schooler, I would have looked at him--and myself--with disgust. Do I really want my first make out to session to be with someone that I don't care much about? I think if I do see him again, and we get physical, it will be good. I really think I would be attracted to him, what with all of this buildup and anticipation. He really did a number on me last night, I couldn't sleep until 6:30 am. But what if (worst case scenario) he tries to rape me? He's 19, a band and drama nerd, and he has an injured leg. I've wondered why, but I don't want to put him off. He might be really sensitive about that leg. Why do I talk to him? What emptiness in my life does he fill? Or, does he leave me emptier than before? Who will I be if I get involved with him? If we become physical, will I regret it? "I trust you. Don't abuse that fact." That's what I'd like to say to him. I feel much younger than him. July 31, 20:42 @ Freebird's in H-town: Maybe I'll start coming here more often, I love the atmosphere. And they've got Lucy! Lucy is and XM station...okay, I'm officially jealous of Freebird's. It's freezing in here, maybe I should go grab my black hoodie...I'm going to be focused on the chills if I don't. Last time I went here was with the twins, for their birthday. I still need to give them a ring so I can take THEM out for THEIR birthday before they go off to New Hampshire. I feel stuck. I want to move to a city in one of the northern states. I'm impatient, I have to get OUT OF HERE. The Goo Goo Dolls's song "Slide" is playing. I bet Marcus likes this song. But hey, so do I...it's on my iPod. My mother has the CD. I saw them in concert a long time ago. I miss them, I think. I don't really know what I miss, though. I feel like my mother criticizes all of my friends. She doesn't care for Amanda or Christy or Erin or Krista or Lisa or Leslie or Lauren or Leila or Elyse. She found flaws in all of them. But they're friends. And they're mine. Screw her and her accusations. I don't know that I should tell her about any more of my friends, or their personalities. How can I truly be a person's friend if I am constantly de-valuing them? How dare she hate what have been some of the dearest people in my life? How dare she? And men? Oh, don't even get me started. She never liked any of the guys I dated or even liked, and she never met one of them! She would detest Marcus. But part of me likes Marcus. That part is mixed in with a scared part, a turned on part, and a part that wonders if he's good enough for me. We talked last night on the phone (like i said before) and he left me a text message saying "I woke up at 5. Ugh." This morning i nuzzled him over AIM, but il dormait (he was sleeping then). "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." - Smashing Pumpkins -- it's on Lucy right now, and about how I'm feeling...Miss Elyse introced me to the Pumpkins. I miss that girl. -------------- I can't wait until she's out of my life and I can actually focus on writing something other than "Get me the hell out, etc., etc., etc." -------------- Today I noticed that once again, my mom placed my clean clothes in my dirty hamper again, just to piss me off. I've had it with her shit. My only consolation is that she pays for the detergent and the water, so if I have to wash clothes three times because of her vengeful attitude, then she gets to pay for it. I did some cursing, and slamming of doors, and throwing crap, and I hurried to finish so that I could leave before she got home. I always hurry to leave the house when she gets home. If I'm not there, she can't scream at me. We are horrible to each other. I am getting the fuck out. Go fuck yourself! I turned in two movies today ("One True Thing" and "Good Night and Good Luck") and rented two more, "The Opposite of Sex" and "The Importance of Being Earnest", the latter being a play that I read in high school for drama class but never saw performed. "Earnest" comes reccommended from Marcus. Actually I don't think he reccommended it, he just quoted something. Now I guess I'll understand the quote. See? I told you this would be longer than 3 pages! I'm going on five at this point! Maybe this should be my Artist's Date for the week. I also need to READ my Artist's Way book. I paid $16 for the thing, after all. In a month I'll be back in school! Suh-WEET! In a month I may also be someone who has made out. Strange, but refreshing... ---------------- My life is not epic by any means, and I don't understand why anyone would want to read it, but I welcome still any readership I may gain. I feel that through writing, I grow as a person, and I feel that I come to know myself better. Even if all I do in an entry is rant, I'm still accomplishing something. Check on the ranting. I've got that done. Keep your hand moving. That's what Natalie Goldberg and the Martian Chronicles's author said. I think I can handle that, I think I can manage. If what I write doesn't matter, I could do it for ages, right? Just keep my pen moving. Keep going. Keep writing. Never give up. If you think you're nothing, don't worry; you are. You. Are. Nothing. But if you keep the pen moving? By George, if you can do that, you'll be something. Maybe. ----------------- I am supposed to write a poem for my grandparents, for their 50th wedding anniversary in Missouri. My dad suggested I write one, and I thought it a great idea. Now I don't know where to begin, since I've never been in love, not really. Not a romantic love anyway. I've been in love with God before. When I think about love and my grandparents, I think of a few things: 1. How long they've been together. Wow, 50 years is quite a long marriage! 2. How old-fashioned they are, and how Grandma never held a job, except as a soda jerk, which was where she was working when she met him. How I never want to feel responsible for the cooking and cleaning all time; how I want to have a life and a career of my own, not just a home life. 3. How much they care about each other. 4. How I don't know if I can write a poem about their relationship when my mother has such crap things to say about it. How can I be both for and against my family? No poem I could invent would do them justice, especially since I don't believe in their lifestyle, I don't even agree with them. How do I see beauty in something that I will never want to become? why the hell is mom so critical? What the fuck?! One hot July day I went out to dinner He and I, I and He; We ugh, this is horrible already... no poem. no deal. --------------- marcus: *hug* me: *hug* me: paul mccartney is telling me he's a bluebird marcus: I'm picking up good vibrations me: hehe me: and what song is that? marcus: ... Good Vibrations? me: oh. :o marcus: La Musica los Beach Boys me: oh, no! me: i saw them live with my grandmother in disneyland me: they squeal, those beach boys me: have you heard their song 'feel flows', though? me: my mom has the album pet sounds on vinyl marcus: Um, no, I havent marcus: lol me: feel flows (ha) was the last song as the credits rolled in the movie almost famous me: it came out in the 70s and isn't quite so squealy me: if you hear it, tell it i sent you marcus: Hmm marcus: You're awsome you know that me: thanks me: you are pretty awesome too marcus: Thank you! me: okay, now i'm listening to whiter shade of pale, procol harum me: denada me: monsieur me: i wonder if i would get fired for bringing in a mix cd to play instead of the radio me: the 80s station is what's almost always playing, blech! me: there are some good songs, though me: not all 80s music is bad me: just most of it me: imho me: what do you think of la musique des annees quatres-vingts? me: (the music of the 80s) marcus signed on at 12:43:22 AM. marcus: For the most part, I don't like it, but I do like Rush. And Erasure. And Journey. me: i don't think i've heard erasure me: but i like journey, and i've heard that rush is quite good me: and then there's manfred mann's 'blinded by the light.' i love that song me: and sting/the police me: pat benatar marcus: I tried to discover, a little somthing to make me sweeter, oh baby refrain, from breaking my heart me: fly away on my zephyrrrrr me: what song is that (yours)? marcus: That's "I'm so in love with you" by erasure marcus: An incredibly lame song that's awsome me: cool me: lame in its lyrics or its notes or its datedness me: or all three, hehe marcus: Lyrics and the fact that its almost completely synth me: speaking of synth, do you like depeche mode? me: they have a couple of good songs marcus: I think so marcus: I can't remember me: precious and enjoy the silence are the two tracks i have of them me: enjoy the silence is better though me: 'depeche' means 'hurry' in french marcus: Now, how do you say "I want to make out with you cause your ability to turn me on is stupid good?" me: haha! that, i do not know me: but I'm flattered marcus: Hum... me: oi me: you'd be okay with making out? marcus: You wouldn't? me: i would be okay, i think me: but making out only me: yeah, i'd be nervous, but okay marcus: There may or may not be groping involved, but hey I'm up for either me: cool! me: wow, long pause marcus: �que? me: que lindo star me: what does that mean, que lindo star? marcus: I really don't know me: i heard it in a song that's partly in french, partly in english, and partly in spanish me: but que means what, right? marcus: Yesh me: shanks marcus: *chomp chomp* me: what on earth are you chomping on? marcus: Your arm me: is it tasty? lol marcus: Yes, like sushi me: haha me: sushi is interesting me: you know, the word 'interesting' usually strikes me as a negative connotation me: it's because of some of my high school friends marcus: How about weird me: 'interesting' was a code word for something unappealing, or yes, weird me: unexpected me: queer me: odd me: uncool marcus: Excessive me: indeed me: sushi is very excessive marcus: So is Peter Jackson me: wouldn't you say? marcus: Excessive me: oh, isn't he that guy who married the marcus: But delicious me: chick who won america's next top model me: wha...? me: uh oh marcus: No, that's the guy who directed Lord of the Rings marcus: And King Kong me: i never saw king kong marcus: And coincidentally EVERY excessive film after marcus: It was sexy me: oh, i'm sure me: was it really? or are you being sarcastic? me: i would assume that's sarcasm me: but i don't know marcus: By sexy, I mean awsome me: ahhh, okie dokie me: it was teh awesome! me: the word teh is teh awesome marcus: How about licking, will that be ok? me: y'know, without me, there is no awesome me: lol me: some, as long as it's from the waist up me: i kind of can't believe i'm saying this, ha marcus: lol me: wait, were you kidding? me: oh dear me: i'm far too earnest, lol marcus: "Come down, lady come down, come down, lady come down' me: from where? me: oh, the balcony me: the balcony scene, from romeo and juliet me: it's lovely wonderful marcus: Nope me: i memorized part of it marcus: From "the importance of being earnest" marcus: The film, not the play me: and then revised it: "Butt soft, what light through yonder window breaks!" me: i've actually read the play, but never seen the movie me: i want to though, i've almost rented it a few times marcus: You know, I dated a juliet, her butt was soft marcus: Its awsome, you need to me: haha me: you really dated a juliet? cool marcus: And Romeo was gay me: you were gay? me: lol marcus: No marcus: I was a gaurd me: oooh, you were in a performance of romeo and juliet me: cool me: as a guard? am i getting this right? marcus: Yup me: did you have any lines? marcus: Several marcus: I was "Head Watchman" me: sounds like fun me: i didn't know you were into drama me: i took a year of it during hs me: but never got into it much, what with band and all me: i felt like i could only really do one or the other me: and besides, i had my obsession with french me: i couldn't give up zee french. that still may be the case marcus: At one point I was doing band, football, drama, and debate me: i'm still trying to decide whether to major in french or music me: WoW. me: that's insane me: kudos me: were you happy with all of that going on? marcus: Well major things never overlapped marcus: But I did quit football my senior year me: what was your most fun extracurricular activity? me: Drama me: No contact and a chance to toot my own horn me: So to speak marcus: contact? like contact sport, you mean? me: at my school, you couldn't really be involved with drama and band intensively, because the rehearsals for both were at the same time. marcus: Well I was in a 3A school me: my friend leslie and i both chose band, and at one point she said to me something like: "yeah, i considered the extracurrics and i tried to decide if i was more into drama or band." marcus: Nuff said me: are they really all that different? me: i was at a 5a me: i mean, are 3As really all that different from 5As? marcus: Rediculously smaller marcus: How big was your class? me: there are more people at a 5a, sure, but it seems like rehearsal times for both activities would happen at about the same time: after school. i don't know, though me: 809 me: yours? marcus: About 160 me: cool marcus: After a third dropped out me: oh my gosh me: that's too bad me: that's awful marcus: I was in the top 10% marcus: I didn't need the help me: good for you marcus: I got it anyway me: i was in the top half, i think. maybe the top quarter, but i can't remember marcus: Yup! marcus: Woot me: our school wasn't a private school, but it might as well have been me: haha, thanks me: i didn't take any AP classes me: but i knew a girl who was in three ap classes, band, AND she worked at h&h 20 hrs. a week. i don't know how she did it me: i know i couldn't me: and her parents wouldn't even let her spend the money she made working! like, none of it! me: geez me: i would be angry if i were her me: with all of her hard work me: it seems like she should be able to use at least some of that money to do something nice for herself marcus: Burn me: yeah, somebody get the ice! marcus: *lick* me: hehe me: *sucks on your bottom lip* marcus: Oh geez marcus: Seriously marcus: How did you know I like that? marcus: i didn't, i just guessed :D me: i need to remember that then marcus: Mwuahaha me: hehe me: *chuckle chuckle* marcus: I still say we should get a dildo for you me: haha me: but if someone were ever to find it? wow, i would be MORTified me: mort = dead in french marcus: pish tosh marcus: More girls have one than you'd think me: oh? me: the characters of sex and the city have vibrators marcus: See me: they're also characters me: what girls have admitted to you that they have them? me: (vibrators or dildos) marcus: Ex girlfriend me: really? marcus: Friends of girls marcus: Girls of friend me: ha, okay marcus: Lots of girls me: may i ask if you have any toys? this is purely curiosity know marcus: So there me: *now marcus: Well no marcus: There's really only one I can think of me: well, that's comforting, if i ever go get something like that marcus: Not counting pumps which I'd concider enchansers me: and really, many objects can be a sex toy. you just have to use your imagination marcus: Enhancers marcus: I'm a guy me: what do you mean 'enhancers'? how is that different from a sex toy? me: you're a guy...so? marcus: I can't use toys like you me: well, no me: you can't me: lol marcus: I mean a pump is more for... Elongating me: but it is for pleasure, right? me: what is this 'elongating'? haha, does it claim to make your package grow bigger or something? marcus: Not saying I haven't used one me: oh lol marcus: Which I have marcus: Not the package, just the tubesteak me: tubesteak?! ha! me: this is new vocabulary for me marcus: Skin flute? me: haaaa marcus: Balogne pony me: ah, in jr. high they were called pencils, and if you needed to borrow one, you turned red while asking for it marcus: I called a guy pencil dick once me: i've heard 'hot meat injection' and it grossed me out completely me: oh, and what was his retort? me: how old were you? marcus: Beef stick marcus: 19 me: you are 19 me: you called a guy a pencil dick at age 19? marcus: Oh marcus: No marcus: That was middle school me: oh, okay marcus: 14 maybe 15 me: in 6th grade i was such a pervert me: and my mother had no idea me: after that year i became purer or something, lol marcus: 0.O me: maybe it had to do with the fact that the cute redhead i had science with was no longer in any of my classes me: boo! marcus: WAH! me: wah indeed! marcus: Red heads turn me on too me: i have one picture of him me: oh my gosh.....i love redheads marcus: Oh wait me: i don't know what it is about them marcus: I thought you said you were redhead me: now if i look at the picture of him, i laugh. ha, my 6th grade crush. only i hated him, too. we were complicated back then! ha me: no, not really me: but i'd like to be me: and sometimes i do temporary color that lasts 28 days me: it's fun to be a redhead marcus: Yummy me: and my hair gets slightly red highlights in summer me: i have many redheaded relatives me: have you ever done your hair red? i don't kow if it would work for you me: i can't remember how pale you are, or if you're pale at all me: donna off of that 70s show, i love her me: she and eric remind me of my parents, only more risquee and not as attractive me: correction: my parents are not as attractive or risquee as eric and donna marcus: I'm fairly dark marcus: My mother is a red head marcus: Not natural, naturally me: my mother isn't a red head, but she's more red than i am me: she calls me blonde, but i deny it me: everybody wants to be blonde....ugh! blonde is so bland, everybody dyes their hair blonde it seems me: it's trite me: but red! red has a life of its own marcus: I would bleach my hair if I was going to cos-play me: cos? marcus: Costume marcus: Dress up like somthing me: cool me: where were your ancestors from? me: i'm german, irish, dutch, i can't remember what else me: but as far as i know, i haven't any french blood in me--so ironic me: my granddad is into geneaology marcus: I asked my grandma me: i keep hoping he'll run into a french person in his search marcus: She said if anyone asks, I'm an American me: oh me: wow me: me too me: i really like talking to you marcus: lol marcus: I really like being talked to me: hehe marcus: And I like talking to you me: aw, thanks me: ah, i got kicked off marcus: You did? marcus: When? Usually it shows me: just a second ago marcus: Hm me: never let go, jack! ha me: do you practice a religion marcus: Non-denom christianity marcus: Nothing special, raised baptist me: i'm methodist me: or raised methodist, anyway' marcus: Always turns out that way doesn't it me: i was confirmed into the methodist church in jr high, but i don't remember much about it me: well, i think highly of methodism me: i would consider myself a methodist me: i mean me: methodists believe in reading the bible and translating it how YOU see fit me: that's pretty open marcus: Ahuh marcus: Yup me: there are plenty of methodists who disagree with each other, but the theory is that they should just agree to disagree me: my father thinks homosexuality is wrong, and i do not me: that's okay me: we're okay me: but you're right, i think religion is something people have to go out and discover for themselves me: if they want to truly believe in that religion marcus: Religion is a farce me: a farce? marcus: Faith should be a driving force me: why? me: faith me: i wish my mother had it in my dad and i me: are your parents together? marcus: Yes marcus: 30ish years me: my grandparents are having their 50th wedding anniversary this weekend in missouri marcus: My parents are fossils me: 30, wow marcus: Yup me: my mom is 45 or 46, my dad is 48 or so i think me: they actually went to the same high school, and had one class together. they met each other again in college marcus: My mom is 55ish and dad is almost 60 marcus: I think me: but they never dated in hs marcus: I really don't know about my parents me: that fact amazed my friend leslie. she kept looking around wondering to herself, 'what if i married one of these people? whoooah...' me: it was cute me: about how they met/courted? marcus: lol me: or, you just don't know about them marcus: Yup me: is 'courted' a funny word? ha, i suppose it is a bit old-fashionedd me: why do you not know about them? you're....suspicious of them? marcus: No me: yay i got kicked off but back again marcus: Just not interested me: I'm sorry me: do you feel like they don't support you marcus: No marcus: Just don't feel like learning their history me: do they tell you about it ever? me: with stories that begin with, "When I met your dad, blah, blah, blah, and it was so romantic, etc, etc, etc" me: do they get along? me: i've always been kind of curious about my parents' story, maybe if they were still married i wouldn't care about it me: marcus? marcus: Sorry, little distracted all better me: that's okay marcus: You would think on a mission involving an "elite force" no one player, no matter how remarkably bad ass he is would beat the others in kills by 14 marcus: No recon, no splitting up marcus: Complete amatures me: uh... me: i'm sorry, but that was greek to me me: gamespeak me: i think you just said you were a badass me: and you beat a bunch of amateurs at a game marcus: I was playing Ghost Recon online, these asshats wanted to do a "mission" mode which involves planning me: ah, okay marcus: Well it was co-op so I really didn't "beat them" marcus: But I was saying I had 17 kills to their 3 and 1 me: ouch me: congrats me: don't get cocky now marcus: Maybe I was just drawing fire though me: wait, maybe i want you cocky... marcus: Maybe you do me: :-D marcus: You make me cocky me: haha marcus: You and I should hang out with my gay friend thomas marcus: Or Jasonandverdi me: i know a gay guy name thomas me: what is his last name? marcus: Last name? marcus: 1 me: ah, okay marcus: 2 marcus: 3 me: he's an internet entity marcus: S*****r me: I KNOW HIM! marcus: Oh me: he lived on my floor last year! marcus: No, my gay internet entity is Robert Bauer me: i found his class ring in the dryer marcus: Tall brunet me: and returned it to him marcus: Orangefield? me: what? me: okay, do you know a Thomas S******r, because i do me: who is orangefield me: you have a gay internet entity? huh? marcus: Orangefield is where my gay friend Thomas S*****r is from marcus: Yes me: oh, okay marcus: He's from jersey me: wow, what a coincidence me: really? i don't know him all that well me: small world marcus: No marcus: Robert is from jersey marcus: Thomas is from close to my hometown me: i'm a little confused, maybe we could just talk this over on the phone marcus: Perhaps marcus: You or I? me: what do you mean? me: are you asking if i should call you or you should call me? me: wait, don't call me me: my mother will wake up marcus: Heard on that
1:10 pm - monday, july 31, 2006
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lovesounds - futuresex
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