backyard crowing



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misoury

(handwritten):

I have a feeling this will last much longer than just three pages.

I'm off today and tommorow, very excited about that. Last night I was chatting with Marcus, and I was so turned on. I called him since I lost internet connection and wanted to keep talking. I don't know if I'll ever meet Marcus again, I don't know if I should. We're both desperately horny, and I'm not sure what to do. I hardly know him I don't even know if I like him. I don't know if I trust him, or if he's someone to be trusted. We didn't have phone sex per se last night, we just talked about masturbating. He wanted me to describe to him how I masturbated, and I was so uncomfortable, I clammed up. I wonder if he was masturbating at the time, his voice sounded like he could have been...

I don't know if I should run or what. I've certainly revealed a motherlode about sex and how I feel about it to him. He knows, for the most part, my sexual history, and how I'm frustrated that at age 20 I have yet to receive a French kiss. I don't want to get married anytime soon, yet I still want to save sex for marriage.

But I want to make out.

And I don't want to hurt him. What if he's genuinely interested in me? I'm only looking for an FWB relationship, I know I don't want to really date or pursue an actual relationship with him. I've never been at this point in my life. As a high schooler, I would have looked at him--and myself--with disgust. Do I really want my first make out to session to be with someone that I don't care much about?

I think if I do see him again, and we get physical, it will be good. I really think I would be attracted to him, what with all of this buildup and anticipation. He really did a number on me last night, I couldn't sleep until 6:30 am.

But what if (worst case scenario) he tries to rape me?

He's 19, a band and drama nerd, and he has an injured leg. I've wondered why, but I don't want to put him off. He might be really sensitive about that leg.

Why do I talk to him? What emptiness in my life does he fill?
Or, does he leave me emptier than before?

Who will I be if I get involved with him?

If we become physical, will I regret it?

"I trust you. Don't abuse that fact." That's what I'd like to say to him.

I feel much younger than him.

July 31, 20:42

@ Freebird's in H-town:

Maybe I'll start coming here more often, I love the atmosphere. And they've got Lucy! Lucy is and XM station...okay, I'm officially jealous of Freebird's. It's freezing in here, maybe I should go grab my black hoodie...I'm going to be focused on the chills if I don't.

Last time I went here was with the twins, for their birthday. I still need to give them a ring so I can take THEM out for THEIR birthday before they go off to New Hampshire.

I feel stuck. I want to move to a city in one of the northern states. I'm impatient, I have to get OUT OF HERE.

The Goo Goo Dolls's song "Slide" is playing. I bet Marcus likes this song. But hey, so do I...it's on my iPod. My mother has the CD. I saw them in concert a long time ago. I miss them, I think. I don't really know what I miss, though.

I feel like my mother criticizes all of my friends. She doesn't care for Amanda or Christy or Erin or Krista or Lisa or Leslie or Lauren or Leila or Elyse.

She found flaws in all of them. But they're friends. And they're mine. Screw her and her accusations.

I don't know that I should tell her about any more of my friends, or their personalities. How can I truly be a person's friend if I am constantly de-valuing them? How dare she hate what have been some of the dearest people in my life?

How dare she?

And men? Oh, don't even get me started. She never liked any of the guys I dated or even liked, and she never met one of them! She would detest Marcus.

But part of me likes Marcus. That part is mixed in with a scared part, a turned on part, and a part that wonders if he's good enough for me.

We talked last night on the phone (like i said before) and he left me a text message saying "I woke up at 5. Ugh."

This morning i nuzzled him over AIM, but il dormait (he was sleeping then).

"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." - Smashing Pumpkins -- it's on Lucy right now, and about how I'm feeling...Miss Elyse introced me to the Pumpkins. I miss that girl.

--------------

I can't wait until she's out of my life and I can actually focus on writing something other than "Get me the hell out, etc., etc., etc."

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Today I noticed that once again, my mom placed my clean clothes in my dirty hamper again, just to piss me off. I've had it with her shit. My only consolation is that she pays for the detergent and the water, so if I have to wash clothes three times because of her vengeful attitude, then she gets to pay for it. I did some cursing, and slamming of doors, and throwing crap, and I hurried to finish so that I could leave before she got home. I always hurry to leave the house when she gets home. If I'm not there, she can't scream at me. We are horrible to each other. I am getting the fuck out.

Go fuck yourself!

I turned in two movies today ("One True Thing" and "Good Night and Good Luck") and rented two more, "The Opposite of Sex" and "The Importance of Being Earnest", the latter being a play that I read in high school for drama class but never saw performed. "Earnest" comes reccommended from Marcus. Actually I don't think he reccommended it, he just quoted something. Now I guess I'll understand the quote.

See? I told you this would be longer than 3 pages! I'm going on five at this point! Maybe this should be my Artist's Date for the week. I also need to READ my Artist's Way book. I paid $16 for the thing, after all.

In a month I'll be back in school!

Suh-WEET!

In a month I may also be someone who has made out. Strange, but refreshing...

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My life is not epic by any means, and I don't understand why anyone would want to read it, but I welcome still any readership I may gain. I feel that through writing, I grow as a person, and I feel that I come to know myself better. Even if all I do in an entry is rant, I'm still accomplishing something.

Check on the ranting. I've got that done.

Keep your hand moving. That's what Natalie Goldberg and the Martian Chronicles's author said. I think I can handle that, I think I can manage. If what I write doesn't matter, I could do it for ages, right? Just keep my pen moving. Keep going. Keep writing. Never give up. If you think you're nothing, don't worry; you are. You. Are. Nothing. But if you keep the pen moving? By George, if you can do that, you'll be something.

Maybe.

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I am supposed to write a poem for my grandparents, for their 50th wedding anniversary in Missouri. My dad suggested I write one, and I thought it a great idea. Now I don't know where to begin, since I've never been in love, not really. Not a romantic love anyway. I've been in love with God before.

When I think about love and my grandparents, I think of a few things:

1. How long they've been together. Wow, 50 years is quite a long marriage!
2. How old-fashioned they are, and how Grandma never held a job, except as a soda jerk, which was where she was working when she met him. How I never want to feel responsible for the cooking and cleaning all time; how I want to have a life and a career of my own, not just a home life.
3. How much they care about each other.
4. How I don't know if I can write a poem about their relationship when my mother has such crap things to say about it. How can I be both for and against my family? No poem I could invent would do them justice, especially since I don't believe in their lifestyle, I don't even agree with them. How do I see beauty in something that I will never want to become? why the hell is mom so critical? What the fuck?!

One hot July day
I went out to dinner
He and I,
I and He;
We

ugh, this is horrible already... no poem. no deal.

---------------

marcus: *hug*
me: *hug*
me: paul mccartney is telling me he's a bluebird
marcus: I'm picking up good vibrations
me: hehe
me: and what song is that?
marcus: ... Good Vibrations?
me: oh. :o
marcus: La Musica los Beach Boys
me: oh, no!
me: i saw them live with my grandmother in disneyland
me: they squeal, those beach boys
me: have you heard their song 'feel flows', though?
me: my mom has the album pet sounds on vinyl
marcus: Um, no, I havent
marcus: lol
me: feel flows (ha) was the last song as the credits rolled in the movie almost famous
me: it came out in the 70s and isn't quite so squealy
me: if you hear it, tell it i sent you
marcus: Hmm
marcus: You're awsome you know that
me: thanks
me: you are pretty awesome too
marcus: Thank you!
me: okay, now i'm listening to whiter shade of pale, procol harum
me: denada
me: monsieur
me: i wonder if i would get fired for bringing in a mix cd to play instead of the radio
me: the 80s station is what's almost always playing, blech!
me: there are some good songs, though
me: not all 80s music is bad
me: just most of it
me: imho
me: what do you think of la musique des annees quatres-vingts?
me: (the music of the 80s)
marcus signed on at 12:43:22 AM.
marcus: For the most part, I don't like it, but I do like Rush. And Erasure. And Journey.
me: i don't think i've heard erasure
me: but i like journey, and i've heard that rush is quite good
me: and then there's manfred mann's 'blinded by the light.' i love that song
me: and sting/the police
me: pat benatar
marcus: I tried to discover, a little somthing to make me sweeter, oh baby refrain, from breaking my heart
me: fly away on my zephyrrrrr
me: what song is that (yours)?
marcus: That's "I'm so in love with you" by erasure
marcus: An incredibly lame song that's awsome
me: cool
me: lame in its lyrics or its notes or its datedness
me: or all three, hehe
marcus: Lyrics and the fact that its almost completely synth
me: speaking of synth, do you like depeche mode?
me: they have a couple of good songs
marcus: I think so
marcus: I can't remember
me: precious and enjoy the silence are the two tracks i have of them
me: enjoy the silence is better though
me: 'depeche' means 'hurry' in french
marcus: Now, how do you say "I want to make out with you cause your ability to turn me on is stupid good?"
me: haha! that, i do not know
me: but I'm flattered
marcus: Hum...
me: oi
me: you'd be okay with making out?
marcus: You wouldn't?
me: i would be okay, i think
me: but making out only
me: yeah, i'd be nervous, but okay
marcus: There may or may not be groping involved, but hey I'm up for either
me: cool!
me: wow, long pause
marcus: ¿que?
me: que lindo star
me: what does that mean, que lindo star?
marcus: I really don't know
me: i heard it in a song that's partly in french, partly in english, and partly in spanish
me: but que means what, right?
marcus: Yesh
me: shanks
marcus: *chomp chomp*
me: what on earth are you chomping on?
marcus: Your arm
me: is it tasty? lol
marcus: Yes, like sushi
me: haha
me: sushi is interesting
me: you know, the word 'interesting' usually strikes me as a negative connotation
me: it's because of some of my high school friends
marcus: How about weird
me: 'interesting' was a code word for something unappealing, or yes, weird
me: unexpected
me: queer
me: odd
me: uncool
marcus: Excessive
me: indeed
me: sushi is very excessive
marcus: So is Peter Jackson
me: wouldn't you say?
marcus: Excessive
me: oh, isn't he that guy who married the
marcus: But delicious
me: chick who won america's next top model
me: wha...?
me: uh oh
marcus: No, that's the guy who directed Lord of the Rings
marcus: And King Kong
me: i never saw king kong
marcus: And coincidentally EVERY excessive film after
marcus: It was sexy
me: oh, i'm sure
me: was it really? or are you being sarcastic?
me: i would assume that's sarcasm
me: but i don't know
marcus: By sexy, I mean awsome
me: ahhh, okie dokie
me: it was teh awesome!
me: the word teh is teh awesome
marcus: How about licking, will that be ok?
me: y'know, without me, there is no awesome
me: lol
me: some, as long as it's from the waist up
me: i kind of can't believe i'm saying this, ha
marcus: lol
me: wait, were you kidding?
me: oh dear
me: i'm far too earnest, lol
marcus: "Come down, lady come down, come down, lady come down'
me: from where?
me: oh, the balcony
me: the balcony scene, from romeo and juliet
me: it's lovely wonderful
marcus: Nope
me: i memorized part of it
marcus: From "the importance of being earnest"
marcus: The film, not the play
me: and then revised it: "Butt soft, what light through yonder window breaks!"
me: i've actually read the play, but never seen the movie
me: i want to though, i've almost rented it a few times
marcus: You know, I dated a juliet, her butt was soft
marcus: Its awsome, you need to
me: haha
me: you really dated a juliet? cool
marcus: And Romeo was gay
me: you were gay?
me: lol
marcus: No
marcus: I was a gaurd
me: oooh, you were in a performance of romeo and juliet
me: cool
me: as a guard? am i getting this right?
marcus: Yup
me: did you have any lines?
marcus: Several
marcus: I was "Head Watchman"
me: sounds like fun
me: i didn't know you were into drama
me: i took a year of it during hs
me: but never got into it much, what with band and all
me: i felt like i could only really do one or the other
me: and besides, i had my obsession with french
me: i couldn't give up zee french. that still may be the case
marcus: At one point I was doing band, football, drama, and debate
me: i'm still trying to decide whether to major in french or music
me: WoW.
me: that's insane
me: kudos
me: were you happy with all of that going on?
marcus: Well major things never overlapped
marcus: But I did quit football my senior year
me: what was your most fun extracurricular activity?
me: Drama
me: No contact and a chance to toot my own horn
me: So to speak
marcus: contact? like contact sport, you mean?
me: at my school, you couldn't really be involved with drama and band intensively, because the rehearsals for both were at the same time.
marcus: Well I was in a 3A school
me: my friend leslie and i both chose band, and at one point she said to me something like: "yeah, i considered the extracurrics and i tried to decide if i was more into drama or band."
marcus: Nuff said
me: are they really all that different?
me: i was at a 5a
me: i mean, are 3As really all that different from 5As?
marcus: Rediculously smaller
marcus: How big was your class?
me: there are more people at a 5a, sure, but it seems like rehearsal times for both activities would happen at about the same time: after school. i don't know, though
me: 809
me: yours?
marcus: About 160
me: cool
marcus: After a third dropped out
me: oh my gosh
me: that's too bad
me: that's awful
marcus: I was in the top 10%
marcus: I didn't need the help
me: good for you
marcus: I got it anyway
me: i was in the top half, i think. maybe the top quarter, but i can't remember
marcus: Yup!
marcus: Woot
me: our school wasn't a private school, but it might as well have been
me: haha, thanks
me: i didn't take any AP classes
me: but i knew a girl who was in three ap classes, band, AND she worked at h&h 20 hrs. a week. i don't know how she did it
me: i know i couldn't
me: and her parents wouldn't even let her spend the money she made working! like, none of it!
me: geez
me: i would be angry if i were her
me: with all of her hard work
me: it seems like she should be able to use at least some of that money to do something nice for herself
marcus: Burn
me: yeah, somebody get the ice!
marcus: *lick*
me: hehe
me: *sucks on your bottom lip*
marcus: Oh geez
marcus: Seriously
marcus: How did you know I like that?
marcus: i didn't, i just guessed :D
me: i need to remember that then
marcus: Mwuahaha
me: hehe
me: *chuckle chuckle*
marcus: I still say we should get a dildo for you
me: haha
me: but if someone were ever to find it? wow, i would be MORTified
me: mort = dead in french
marcus: pish tosh
marcus: More girls have one than you'd think
me: oh?
me: the characters of sex and the city have vibrators
marcus: See
me: they're also characters
me: what girls have admitted to you that they have them?
me: (vibrators or dildos)
marcus: Ex girlfriend
me: really?
marcus: Friends of girls
marcus: Girls of friend
me: ha, okay
marcus: Lots of girls
me: may i ask if you have any toys? this is purely curiosity know
marcus: So there
me: *now
marcus: Well no
marcus: There's really only one I can think of
me: well, that's comforting, if i ever go get something like that
marcus: Not counting pumps which I'd concider enchansers
me: and really, many objects can be a sex toy. you just have to use your imagination
marcus: Enhancers
marcus: I'm a guy
me: what do you mean 'enhancers'? how is that different from a sex toy?
me: you're a guy...so?
marcus: I can't use toys like you
me: well, no
me: you can't
me: lol
marcus: I mean a pump is more for... Elongating
me: but it is for pleasure, right?
me: what is this 'elongating'? haha, does it claim to make your package grow bigger or something?
marcus: Not saying I haven't used one
me: oh lol
marcus: Which I have
marcus: Not the package, just the tubesteak
me: tubesteak?! ha!
me: this is new vocabulary for me
marcus: Skin flute?
me: haaaa
marcus: Balogne pony
me: ah, in jr. high they were called pencils, and if you needed to borrow one, you turned red while asking for it
marcus: I called a guy pencil dick once
me: i've heard 'hot meat injection' and it grossed me out completely
me: oh, and what was his retort?
me: how old were you?
marcus: Beef stick
marcus: 19
me: you are 19
me: you called a guy a pencil dick at age 19?
marcus: Oh
marcus: No
marcus: That was middle school
me: oh, okay
marcus: 14 maybe 15
me: in 6th grade i was such a pervert
me: and my mother had no idea
me: after that year i became purer or something, lol
marcus: 0.O
me: maybe it had to do with the fact that the cute redhead i had science with was no longer in any of my classes
me: boo!
marcus: WAH!
me: wah indeed!
marcus: Red heads turn me on too
me: i have one picture of him
me: oh my gosh.....i love redheads
marcus: Oh wait
me: i don't know what it is about them
marcus: I thought you said you were redhead
me: now if i look at the picture of him, i laugh. ha, my 6th grade crush. only i hated him, too. we were complicated back then! ha
me: no, not really
me: but i'd like to be
me: and sometimes i do temporary color that lasts 28 days
me: it's fun to be a redhead
marcus: Yummy
me: and my hair gets slightly red highlights in summer
me: i have many redheaded relatives
me: have you ever done your hair red? i don't kow if it would work for you
me: i can't remember how pale you are, or if you're pale at all
me: donna off of that 70s show, i love her
me: she and eric remind me of my parents, only more risquee and not as attractive
me: correction: my parents are not as attractive or risquee as eric and donna
marcus: I'm fairly dark
marcus: My mother is a red head
marcus: Not natural, naturally
me: my mother isn't a red head, but she's more red than i am
me: she calls me blonde, but i deny it
me: everybody wants to be blonde....ugh! blonde is so bland, everybody dyes their hair blonde it seems
me: it's trite
me: but red! red has a life of its own
marcus: I would bleach my hair if I was going to cos-play
me: cos?
marcus: Costume
marcus: Dress up like somthing
me: cool
me: where were your ancestors from?
me: i'm german, irish, dutch, i can't remember what else
me: but as far as i know, i haven't any french blood in me--so ironic
me: my granddad is into geneaology
marcus: I asked my grandma
me: i keep hoping he'll run into a french person in his search
marcus: She said if anyone asks, I'm an American
me: oh
me: wow
me: me too
me: i really like talking to you
marcus: lol
marcus: I really like being talked to
me: hehe
marcus: And I like talking to you
me: aw, thanks
me: ah, i got kicked off
marcus: You did?
marcus: When? Usually it shows
me: just a second ago
marcus: Hm
me: never let go, jack! ha
me: do you practice a religion
marcus: Non-denom christianity
marcus: Nothing special, raised baptist
me: i'm methodist
me: or raised methodist, anyway'
marcus: Always turns out that way doesn't it
me: i was confirmed into the methodist church in jr high, but i don't remember much about it
me: well, i think highly of methodism
me: i would consider myself a methodist
me: i mean
me: methodists believe in reading the bible and translating it how YOU see fit
me: that's pretty open
marcus: Ahuh
marcus: Yup
me: there are plenty of methodists who disagree with each other, but the theory is that they should just agree to disagree
me: my father thinks homosexuality is wrong, and i do not
me: that's okay
me: we're okay
me: but you're right, i think religion is something people have to go out and discover for themselves
me: if they want to truly believe in that religion
marcus: Religion is a farce
me: a farce?
marcus: Faith should be a driving force
me: why?
me: faith
me: i wish my mother had it in my dad and i
me: are your parents together?
marcus: Yes
marcus: 30ish years
me: my grandparents are having their 50th wedding anniversary this weekend in missouri
marcus: My parents are fossils
me: 30, wow
marcus: Yup
me: my mom is 45 or 46, my dad is 48 or so i think
me: they actually went to the same high school, and had one class together. they met each other again in college
marcus: My mom is 55ish and dad is almost 60
marcus: I think
me: but they never dated in hs
marcus: I really don't know about my parents
me: that fact amazed my friend leslie. she kept looking around wondering to herself, 'what if i married one of these people? whoooah...'
me: it was cute
me: about how they met/courted?
marcus: lol
me: or, you just don't know about them
marcus: Yup
me: is 'courted' a funny word? ha, i suppose it is a bit old-fashionedd
me: why do you not know about them? you're....suspicious of them?
marcus: No
me: yay i got kicked off but back again
marcus: Just not interested
me: I'm sorry
me: do you feel like they don't support you
marcus: No
marcus: Just don't feel like learning their history
me: do they tell you about it ever?
me: with stories that begin with, "When I met your dad, blah, blah, blah, and it was so romantic, etc, etc, etc"
me: do they get along?
me: i've always been kind of curious about my parents' story, maybe if they were still married i wouldn't care about it
me: marcus?
marcus: Sorry, little distracted all better
me: that's okay
marcus: You would think on a mission involving an "elite force" no one player, no matter how remarkably bad ass he is would beat the others in kills by 14
marcus: No recon, no splitting up
marcus: Complete amatures
me: uh...
me: i'm sorry, but that was greek to me
me: gamespeak
me: i think you just said you were a badass
me: and you beat a bunch of amateurs at a game
marcus: I was playing Ghost Recon online, these asshats wanted to do a "mission" mode which involves planning
me: ah, okay
marcus: Well it was co-op so I really didn't "beat them"
marcus: But I was saying I had 17 kills to their 3 and 1
me: ouch
me: congrats
me: don't get cocky now
marcus: Maybe I was just drawing fire though
me: wait, maybe i want you cocky...
marcus: Maybe you do
me: :-D
marcus: You make me cocky
me: haha
marcus: You and I should hang out with my gay friend thomas
marcus: Or Jasonandverdi
me: i know a gay guy name thomas
me: what is his last name?
marcus: Last name?
marcus: 1
me: ah, okay
marcus: 2
marcus: 3
me: he's an internet entity
marcus: S*****r
me: I KNOW HIM!
marcus: Oh
me: he lived on my floor last year!
marcus: No, my gay internet entity is Robert Bauer
me: i found his class ring in the dryer
marcus: Tall brunet
me: and returned it to him
marcus: Orangefield?
me: what?
me: okay, do you know a Thomas S******r, because i do
me: who is orangefield
me: you have a gay internet entity? huh?
marcus: Orangefield is where my gay friend Thomas S*****r is from
marcus: Yes
me: oh, okay
marcus: He's from jersey
me: wow, what a coincidence
me: really? i don't know him all that well
me: small world
marcus: No
marcus: Robert is from jersey
marcus: Thomas is from close to my hometown
me: i'm a little confused, maybe we could just talk this over on the phone
marcus: Perhaps
marcus: You or I?
me: what do you mean?
me: are you asking if i should call you or you should call me?
me: wait, don't call me
me: my mother will wake up
marcus: Heard on that

1:10 pm - monday, july 31, 2006
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