backyard crowing


rejection and acception

i just want a warm body next to me tonight. i know that feeling, that desire for protection that women seem to always have. i just want to crawl in bed with a guy and cuddle. that word cuddle seems so juvenile to my ears, but right now, it's what i want. know, someone to take some of the pain away, someone to fall asleep with and kiss me on the forehead once i'm knocked out. i've never had that, not really. i think i tried for that sort of thing with adam, my first boyfriend, but we never got to know each other well enough. seems like the guy never talked much when i started venting, which leads me to believe that maybe he didn't care, or didn't agree with some of what came out of my mouth.

i think i've imagined making out so much that it's as if i've already experienced it. the heavy breathing, the nervousness, the thrill, the desire, the electricity, the warmth, the way you lose yourself...i believe i've felt all of these emotions in my fantasies. i want to get lost kissing him, or somebody anyway. with marcus i might be happy, i don't know. i do know that if i don't feel my tongue against someone else's and quick, i will go crazy. for more than twenty years now i have watched all sorts of romantic movies, even disney movies, and seen some serious kissing. disney always ends with a kiss in their movies, so it can't be all that wrong. :)

it's my turn to kiss! i've waited long enough.

marcus and i chatted the other night about kissing, and he said something like 'kissing is very personal, it's like opening yourself up'. maybe i'm just not opening myself up to people, but i've certainly opened up to him on the internet. i'm so friggin' shy that it's hard for me to talk about how i feel, so i need to resort to words. i wonder what he's up to right now. i wonder if he really loves me, or if he's just from south texas and haphazardly calls people 'hon' or 'sweetie' or 'babe'. i know i don't love him, but i like a way. i don't know what to make of him. this is so freaking confusing. i've talked to mom, and she helped a little. i still don't know what to do, though. yet i'm glad she didn't put her opinions in the forefront, and that she stayed cool throughout, even when i mentioned that i'm considering a friends with benefits relationship with him. i'm glad she respects my choices enough to remain calm as i discussed that possibility. good grief, i'm talking to my mom about my sex life...i am so lame!

i'm young and i'm curious and i'm experimenting and i want to make out with marcus. i think he would be very cool with making out with me, too...that's scary! exciting, but scary. if we ever get to that point, i will be more nervous than i've ever been. this guy makes my toes curl when we chat. his words affect me like a warm winter coat.

i admit and acknowledge that i have thoughts about sex sometimes. everyone does. i need to just accept and embrace my own personal quirky sexuality. i want to break out of my shell; i want to be the sexual, affectionate, warm-blooded, desiring human being that i know i am under all these layers. i don't think sex is a bad thing to want. just because sex is taboo doesn't mean it's not everywhere we turn. there it is--in my social circles, no one talks about sex. ever. and anyway, i believe i would feel uncomfortable if they did suddenly start to incorporate the deed into everyday conversation, simply because i'm not accustomed to discussing the topic. but if everyone talked about it, perhaps we would be better informed on the matter. the more you debate/discuss/inform each other on a topic, the more enlightened you become, and smart people often make smart choices. why can't people be open about sex? why is it not an everyday conversation? we all think about it regularly, so why not just out with it? yes, it's controversial, and i suppose people want to avoid explosive conversations, but we are fearful to shy away from such matters/subjects!

he has such a warm, friendly voice. it drips, yet it's playful and well-meaning. he has a southern drawl, and i'm still getting used to it...i'm not a fan of the texan dialect. i say 'y'all', but nothing else. some have even said i sound like i'm from the north. yay! i'm going to new york, man. nothing can stop me.

i could call or text him now, or log onto the internet. i miss his company, and i want to talk or chat with him, but i'm afraid of what i must not ignore--his signoff. i wish i could go along and pretend that everything is fine and i feel great about coming back to austin and seeing him, but now i worry that he has become attached in a way that i didn't want, or agree to, or intend. i thought we were both clear that we weren't sure what type of relationship we wanted! i thought we had agreed to not make a decision quite yet, that we were both in the same boat. but i miss him now. i just talked to him yesterday and already i miss him. i like joking around with him, telling him about my difficulties and funny stories, and teasing him about his gaming. and of course, i do enjoy the cyber's nice to have a real live person whom you've met on the receiving end instead of some dude who says he's 23 and living in canada. you never know, the real age of the guy might be 83, and he could be anybody anywhere. i KNOW marcus, i've met him once. some people might think he's not much of a looker (he's somewhat heavy and has a limp), but all of this anticipation has got me psyched/reeling. i also know that he's, very excited...and knowing that i've gotten him excited gets me excited. oi, i had better stop typing now before i gross anyone out.

he would love to read parts of this entry...


well, sometimes the world is cruel, and we cannot find what we want, or we're denied our desires. i know what i want, and i'm going to ask for it. if he says no, then so be it--this is life, and life means both rejection and acception*. ask for what you want, you never know who will say 'yes'. one of the things i want right now is a friends-with-benefits relationship, and i think i'm going to ask marcus for it soon. i think he would be into it, and if not, it's no loss. well, not really. i am somewhat attached to him just from the IM conversations/brief phone calls we've had, but i wouldn't be crying over him or anything. and, i just don't want him crying over me.

*is acception a word?

- thursday, august 24, 2006


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