backyard crowing



Two things have been depressing me lately:

1. the fact that people are much more romantically interested in outward beauty than in any other traits


2. the fact that we spend our whole lives trying to impress each other

I'll explain number two first.

Anymore I feel like I continually reach for something else, something new, something better, something grand; something--anything. I have goals stacked up like mattresses, but I cannot find the pea, the support, the reason why I want to strive for my goals. I'm not in touch with why I'm living. I strive to not feel empty, but in my striving I realize that everything I want, everything that can fill me depends upon another person's opinion. It is not that way for only me, it is that way for everyone. If you want a career in any field, someone has to approve you, to say 'okay', to think you're good enough. If you want a relationship, that other person must agree that you are relationship material. If you want anything, at least one person is required to give you a once over.

Since this is true, why do people live? Why do people live for each other? What is so great about the human race? We're lunatics...

Yet at the same time, the resilience and hope in humans amazes me routinely.

Why do we want what only other people can give us? Why don't we live for utter self-reliance and independence? Someone once told me, "I've learned from my parents that the only person you can trust is yourself." So why do we seek each other's approval? What's so great about being liked? Sure, people need companionship, sex, and some friends to mix it up every once in a while, but other than that, people are useless to each other. Why do we feel the need to hold on to each other, to preserve relationships, and (gasp!) to be with a person death? People go through way too many life changes to stay steady for someone else. One month they're into tattoos, the next they're gung ho about ping pong or organic foods. Humans are inconstant, we change and die with every passing second. What questions we vehemently answer 'no' to one minute are the same ones that we cheer on in an hour. Our responses shift with every passing moment. We are easily swayed, and we need justification for our own ever evolving selves.

Number 1 on things that are depressing me lately will have to be continued on a later date.


I can beg a man to make out with me, and simultaneously be avidly seeking the sexual fulfillment I desire/begging. So, I am lowering myself and achieving, all at the same time. It is a need only a man can fill for me. I know I'm not a lesbian. Perhaps this is why relationships between men and women are so volatile--we want to be totally independent, to not need each other, and yet we can't seem to let go of sex, the itch that will continually need scratching. If it weren't for sex, we'd throw up our hands and say "Hmph! To hell with you!"

Sometimes when I hear a man's voice, I just want him to keep talking, about anything. To just drown myself in the low, husky growl that many men don't even realize they possess. To close my eyes to better hear their soft, warm, inviting chuckles, especially when they're not talking to me, or they don't know I'm listening. I would so love to just bury my head in one of their shoulders, drift off in pure comfort and bliss...

They speak soulful music, they melt my heart and body.

- Saturday, sept. 02, 2006


lovesounds - futuresex


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