backyard crowing


romantic love

i want for a guy to rattle me. really, just rattle me. i don't care if i'm freaked out anymore, i welcome the insanity. i feel so closed up around everyone. so much of me is hidden.

i'm so impatient, and i note that with negativity, not exclamation.

"we'll turn manhattan into an isle of joy."

i'm fairly sure i will always be a girl with my love for romantic movies. it's unavoidable. even the films i think are "good, for a romance" my father cringes at. ah, well! at least i feel comfortable going to the movies on my own. i don't need a man.

and that's the essence of it, right? the minute you truly feel you don't need one, that's the minute you'll get him. or one, anyway--maybe not necessarily the one, but a one. somebody's one. am i babbling? yes.

am i ready to be really close to a man? probably not. couples are everywhere it seems, but perhaps i've been watching too many movies. do i honestly know that many people without significant others?

what about jeffrey? why can't i just up and talk to him? indeed, have i already? can he tell? am i transparent enough? am i too transparent?

i just need to keep trying, to keep up the flirting and hitting on guys, if i can possibly keep on. one of them is sure to oblige, at some point.

i feel like every time i get rejected, however subtle and sensitive it is, i walk away thinking to myself, "oh, you came on too strong," or "oh, he's too cute for you," or "you shouldn't have bothered, he doesn't even know you." but what's too strong? and ugly people date beautiful ones from time to time. and yeah, maybe he doesn't know me, but can't i try to change that?

there's really nothing wrong with me trying to find a guy, as long as it doesn't become my only object in life. and it's NOT. i am far above that. i think i learned from elyse that one should depend on the presence of a man; she was misguided and lonely. she honestly felt she couldn't be content without one. i think i was a good influence on her in that department.

i don't know anything about romantic love. if there is knowledge there, it is from the media, not real life. i've never really kissed a guy, or made out with one. i can't seem to say "i love you" to one. i can't even flirt, most of the time. i don't know how. i misjudge, and i think a guy is interested when really he's just...nice. and by nice, i mean nice to everyone.

but i don't think i'm doing anything really wrong. you have to take a chance on people, don't you? you have to at least try for happiness, don't you? that's what i think, at least.


i miss having a xanga, that place where only people who really care about you go to see how you're doing. i might have actually posted this sort of thing in my xanga.


i admit, even now i wish on a nightly basis that marcus was here.

2:34 am - Tuesday, Oct. 17, 2006


lovesounds - futuresex


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