backyard crowing


one day

and to day i won't remember all this. or i'll vaguely remember it, anyway.

i want to make a vow that when i finish college and go off to be a journalist, i'm going to keep on writing in this journal. i might transfer to a different blogging site eventually, but i don't ever want to stop writing a journal. i'm so accustomed to it now, and i do not wish to get out of the habit. i feel like it is almost a responsibility now, but one i treasure. this diary is usually not profound nor significant to the rest of the world, but it is my world, and how i react to it. the entries are a slice of my life, and a slice of life in this century. i am my own historian. i wonder if i will ever show this to anyone.

i'm ashamed of some entries, proud of others, and uncaring about still others. some make me laugh, some bore me to tears, and some make me realize just how much i've changed. these pages are my growth.

still i hold back from publishing EVERYTHING--i don't have the time to tell you everything. hopefully i've covered the important points.

...and some things are sad enough that i can't bear to write them. they confuse and bewilder me to a point i feel i cannot put into words anything, so instead i write sentences like, "i'm really upset, so upset i don't what to write." it is the equivalent of "i don't want to talk about it," or "i'm tired."

i don't know where this entry is going, but i am going to bed.



if i were back at utsa and had my car...and less academic work to take care of...i think i would take some money and have a weekend. you know, just take off without telling anyone except maybe my roommate (and now boyfriend) and simply get away. i don't think i'd need to go anywhere special, just remote. i don't need anything exotic right now, just quiet and alone. someplace where nobody knows me, and i can sink into the background. someplace unfamiliar...that is my current longing.

i wouldn't need to spend much money, only a couple of nights in a hotel and gas. food is fairly cheaply got, and i don't need much entertainment. i would love to feel the open road around me again, and true solitude.

i think it was last week that i took the wrong bus. i thought i was taking a bus to my photography class, a campus bus, but in actuality i had boarded a city bus. eventually i looked up from my journalism book and saw the capital in the distance--in the opposite direction that i wanted to head. at first i worried, but then remembered that i had only missed one photography lecture, and i probably did not miss much. riding the bus was so refreshing. maybe i'll hop on buses from now on to do my reading. how's nice to be taxied here and there. of course, i prefer driving myself, but any time in a vehicle is great as long as you're not squished up against a dodgy stranger. at least, that's my opinion. i am a girl in a city with no vehicle of my own, that is why i write as such.

12:50 am - Wednesday, Nov. 01, 2006


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