backyard crowing


tommorow is tuesday!

i'm sitting here listening to rilo kiley, a band that my last ex jeff liked quite a bit. i'm listening to "portions for foxes," the only song i have by them. and i realize why he likes this music; it sounds like him. don't think i'm regretting having left him--i'm definitely not. i just checked his blog to see if there were any more updates. he mentioned me again after i broke up with him. he wasn't vindictive in his words. he wrote:

"Janeane and I broke up Friday, almost a week ago. Thursday night she told me that she didn't feel any "spark." She said that she thought I was a good boyfriend, and she enjoyed spending time with me, but she just didn't feel a spark. She had told me the same thing about a week earlier, but I didn't really understand what she meant. I left a message on her voicemail after I got out of class on Friday, when she returned my call she told me that she didn't think we should see each other any more.

We talked about what she said for a while Thursday night, and after I left her room I went for a long walk. It seemed to me at the time that if she felt as she said she did, it was only a matter of time before we broke up. I wanted to talk about it some more Friday afternoon. I don't know what good talking would have done at this point, probably nothing, but I still wanted to talk about it. Apparently she didn't want to talk about it, and she just told me that she didn't think we should see each other any more.

I saw her in my lab section for my photography class yesterday. She said "hi" as I walked in to class, and I ignored her. I don't really want to talk to her right now, but I still feel bad about ignoring her that way. I don't want to do to her what Brynn did to me; I want to be a grown-up and deal with my feelings in a grown-up way.

Janeane, if you are reading this, I don't think you are a bad person. It isn't that I don't want to talk to you at all ever again, I just don't really want to talk to you right now. I think there are just some things I need to work out for myself, and I don't know how long that will take. If you still want to talk to me at all, why don't you ask me how I'm doing after Thanksgiving?"


I. Can't. Believe. Tommorow. Is. Tuesday.

I'm excited, and sure as heck not because I'm seeing my mother the day after!

I find myself daydreaming about him in class. But not because of who he is, really...just about what we're going to do to each other next time we meet. I wonder what my face looks like when my mind wanders like this. Today I caught myself staring at my communication prof, not listening to a word coming out of her mouth. I have no idea if I was obvious or not. I'm sure she either thought I was bored to tears or completely swept away by her fascinating lecture.

Abby says I should be clear with him about what we are exactly, and she's right. I need to be honest about my intentions. Before, I had no idea what my they were. Now, I'm fairly sure I just want to be friends with benefits. But at the same time, I don't want to hurt him. I'm afraid that if i tell him i just want his body in my bed, he will not want me at all anymore, for anything. I don't want to lose him, but I must be honest.

And I must be honest with myself, as well. What do I really want with him? He hasn't really turned me on yet, but I still want to experiment with him. He's a funny guy, despite the negativity. Sometimes his jokes are one step too far into the politically incorrect for my tastes, but I still chuckle at them, for his sake. Only the other night he mentioned "Tard Bowling" while we were laying there in my bed, and I didn't laugh. He became defensive, and said, "Hey, I'm just kidding!" so i told him i knew, and then changed the subject.

- monday, Nov. 20, 2006


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