backyard crowing


crying & clubbing with abby

i have been crying off and on for the past two hours. not crazy sobs, just silent tears. i'm really, really, scared. when i write that, i think about how everyone, no matter how self-sufficient or genius they may be, is scared of something. we ALL fear. i think it's not so bad, being alive.

i am lucky. i am lucky. i am lucky. that's what i keep saying to myself, and that's true.

my tears have subsided now, and i'm breathing steadily. abby came down the hall as i was taking a breather in the corner, and i was afraid she would see me there, crying. she doesn't like to cry in front of people, because she has always been around men, always found more in common with them. i've had lots of girlfriends but few guy friends; she, like many others, is the opposite.

she says that since she has been around several "macho" sorts of men, she has adopted their hatred of crying in front of people.

i'm not particularly afraid of crying in front of people, as i have done so many times before (you cannot be in marching band without a few outbursts, i'm convinced) but i still didn't want abby to see me this evening. the corner where i was sitting was just big enough to hide me.

sometimes i think that crying alone is just what i need. it's a release, as i have written before. maybe i wrote that entry because somehow i intrinsically knew that i needed a good cry soon.

...but all that is depressing. those tears were for the communication school. oh, and i took scissors into the bathroom and nearly chopped all of my hair off just to make a point. that would have made my mother angry at first, but i believe with a little convincing i could make her see why i had gone bald. anyhow, that's just something i almost did, so it's not very interesting...girls talk about shaving their heads every bad hair day, but i truly almost went through with it...i thought about what mom would say if she were with me, and decided that she would say that i'm beautiful with or without my hair, and that i didn't need to lose it to make a statement.

i was crying also because i was in panic mode, and i have an incredible amount to read. i'm sick as well, and haven't been taking good enough care of myself lately. i went to a club and my first frat party last night...more on that later.

okay, it's later.

abby and i were going to go clubbing at around midnight with her guy friend (andy) and some other people. this was the initial plan. i knew no one in our group before this night, and abby only knew andy.

at around 4:30 pm, andy calls abby, and i happen to be with her because we thought we would paint our nails black. andy informs us that no, we're instead going to eat bbq, and then go to his frat party, and THEN go clubbing. okay--that's cool. i'm flexible, and so is abby.'s my first frat party!

andy and his crew (dave, trisha, and robert, whom everyone calls robson) show up in dave's ride and somehow the six of us pile in, four in the back. i was next to robert, who had already been drinking for the past hour. he seemed and looked nice, and abby informed me later that he had told trisha (the girl he invited) that he was an atheist. abby will not see an atheist, as her ex (miguel) was one, and that fact, along with many crappy others, turned her way off.

i'm tired, so here's a brief review:

-andy talking about one of the requirements for initiation:
-they hang pledges upside down from a tree and blindfold them-- they hit them with EFFING BASEBALL BATS.
-gossiping with abby about the hot guys
-first glimpse of adam, air drumming
-more chatting with trisha, sticking by her
-trisha asking how long abby and i have known each other,
and abby saying "forever" -- me explaining that we've
known each other since the beginning of the semester, but only really started talking
in..."early october," abby said -- trisha saying, "oh,
so the 'forever' is in sarcasm," and abby saying "well, it
feels like we've known each other forever"
frat party
-drinking games involving cards
-deciding on having one drink and just not telling mom about any of
-it was sprite + fresca + gin w/a few slices of lime thrown in
-made by sophia, a girl who is probably one of the frat guys's
girlfriends, I assume
-talking to adam (abby said, "make it a goal," and i completed it)
-trisha said of it, "i'm so proud of you!"
-"what's your name again? are you a drummer?"
-no real response...oh, well!
-trisha saying that her favorite hot guy was in a beret-ish hat--abby
saying that he's 29 and has a date, and him walking in just as we
were talking about him
-abby's discomfort in the house - it held bad memories from the old frat she always would go to
-telling andy about abby's discomfort and being ignored
-andy telling ABBY that *I* wanted to leave
-"getting some air"
-leaving, and abby telling one of the frat boys that the party wasn't entertaining
-on the bus, asking if it went to 6th street
-exodus--that's the decision--it's 10 bucks
-bad music (american rap, as abby had said)
-touchy-feely guys -
-a kiss on the cheek
-people just coming up to me and starting to dance
-pushing guys away
-abby dancing with various dudes, me keeping an eye out for her
-dancing on the balcony in front of everyone (did i just do that?! oh noes...)
-realizing that not as many people stare at the balcony people as you might think
-taking a break from dancing to take pictures of ourselves
-i the happy photographer, and she the happy model
-requesting ray charles's original "i got a woman"
-"don't do that to us!"
-*horns* "i'm old school"
-"i hate this shit, too"
-"how about 'gangsta paradise'"?
-guy that pushed me twice
-the DJ defending me, making him apologize
-me saying, "it's okay, don't worry about it" (hey, it's a friggin' club!)
-him saying, "we can't have assholes here" <- haaaaaa...uh huh...
-a rather lifeless apology, but i didn't really care either way
-leaving the DJ
-my song was NOT played (neither of the suggestions, BOO!)
outside the club, getting pizza
-two infantry guys talking about their time in Iraq -- cuties
-they offered us pizza - abby took part (idk if she paid or they did) - i didn't have any, i was full
-meeting a drunk guy in a beret with glasses...he was pretty cute, too, and said he was also in the military...i don't know if he was lying or not
-asking him about his tats
-he's from boston, he highly recommended it - says the music scene is good, and it's cold
-getting a picture with him
-"what size aperture are you at?"
-"you gotta speak english!" -- "that IS english!"
-agreeing to pose, feeling rude and overly outgoing
-correcting beret dude on his french
-asking him if he learns much language in Iraq--him saying yes, a little
-me wondering if he's really in the military
-one troop had lost 2 in iraq, the other had lost 25 or something like that
-guys getting in a fight--the dude in the beret that i was speaking with lost his hat and was VERY angry about it
-being squished up against a car with a fight at my feet
-abby and a cop trying to pull me out
-losing the beret dude w/in the crowd
-cops on horses - nobody seemed to be trying to get out of their way except me
-abby wanting to run off really quickly for some reason
-abby drops her camera :(
the ride home
-looking for the e-bus
-going too far and passing the same corner w/the same guys twice
-chewing the fat with the corner guys -- heath and an indian guy named...farhad?
-giving heath craaaazy facial expressions, as he put it
-telling him i liked his shirt
-him telling me he liked my necklace
-NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY NEXT! *sigh* i'm a sucker for those brown eyes...he looks like a 'Heath,' you're right, abby...
-their truck driving off w/o them (abby says it's a joke, the two guys aren't sure)
-hitching a ride in the back of their white truck--it came back
-abby falling into his lap, and them cuddling
-me getting a teensy bit jealous (stupid me), and settling on chatting with farhad, or whatever his name was :(
-abby saying later that he smelled like pot
-the two dudes inviting us to a "pot party"
-them asking us where we were from--THREE times
-heath: "you've never been drunk?"
-abby: "it's her choice!"
-me: "thanks, Abby!"
-arriving at outside the "pot party," deciding not to go in
-the driver of the truck (a lady) getting angry that the guys had let us hitch a ride
the walk the rest of the way home
-what was heath's major again? engineering or geophysics???
-7-11 pit stop
-"i'll have the hot water"
-free of charge!
-poor abby's knees hurting
-reaching home!
-"we'll have to do this again, it was fun!"
-hot shower

- Saturday, Dec. 02, 2006


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