backyard crowing


home again, home again

listening to: Hellogoodbye's "Here (In Your Arms)"

Mom is sitting in the living room, in her chair that she always insists on inhabiting if I'm there. The chair is an old tan lay-z-boy, and she is reclined. she bathed the dog today, and when she came back, she commented on how hard the groomers work everyday, something most people do not notice.

while she was doing that, i watched "Say Anything" for the umpteenth time and thought of Jimmy again, my cousin who looks exactly like john cusack. apparently he had some trouble with drugs during his senior year, and i had no idea. he doesn't seem the sort to become involved with such nonsense; i was disappointed. mom did not tell me any details, or which drugs he used, infact i think she was hesitant to tell me about the issue at all. so, i did not question her much.

jimmy's grandfather acts as his father because his father is not around, and his mother has all sorts of mental and physical problems. now his grandfather (my maternal grandmother's brother) has alzeimer's, and will soon move from oklahoma to dallas to live with a gay couple, some other relatives of ours who i (quite unfortunately) have forgotten how they fall on our family tree.

this absentmindedness is in no way due to my homophobia; that i have none of.

anyway, back to "say anything"...

i hate how mom looks at me during movies, she drives me nuts when she peers over, wide-eyed, during cheesy scenes/sex scenes. que the hell?! i'm a virgin! leave me alone!

i wish she would just go to sleep. gah! i'm hungry. i don't particularly feel like eating around her, i guess i'm afraid of what she will say.

...last night i ate almost an entire can of honey roasted cashews. i had eaten next to nothing, though. today when she came back from the grocery store, she had bought a new can. she didn't even comment.


i wonder where marcus is, and what he's doing. he has not called me since i blocked him on AIM, and i haven't contacted him, either. i don't believe he cares about me, or will ever call. why do i miss him?

oh yeah, because he was a physical entity that wasn't afraid to touch me. that may even have wanted me.

we were never a thing. he's the only boy who has ever made me cry, and we were never together.

...funny, he and Jimmy are the only ones I can ever say I was close to "in love" with. When the threads ask, "Have you ever been in love?", the two of them come to mind, and I wonder if I'm right in answering "Yes."

Why do we love the ones that aren't worth our time, or that we cannot obtain?

Abby says that now that she has cut off ex-benefiter Ben from all benefits or confrontations of any kind, she has strange dreams (not sexual ones, just strange ones) and misses the contact. I'm not sure if she longs for his affection or his attraction, or both.

I suppose if I'm completely honest, I admit that I miss the attraction, not simply the affection. though i was not terribly turned on with marcus (except during the initial kiss), i enjoy remembering that night in a naughty way, not only with a comfort seeking way.

While watching the movie today, I was reminded of the shaking that both marcus and jeff did when i made out with them.

i miss marcus. i wish his arms were wrapped around me, even if just once more. wishing never got anybody anywhere, though. i need to move on.

ray came over to study a few days ago, and i was using a notecard as a bookmark. the night before, i had written this on its front:

"I want to get over sex,
and him,
and now."

Unfortunately I had forgotten about this card, and it slipped out of the back of my book, unbeknownst to me. He read the words after their tumble onto my bed, and began to laugh.

I hope Marcus is not suicidal. He loves the song "Mad World." The lyrics are always showing as his AIM profile.


mom said today that i need to start having pap smears/gynocologist appts. now that i'm "older." then she explained in detail what happens during such appointments, and i was a bit shocked to find out that gynocologists STICK THEIR FINGERS IN YOU. Uh...fortunately i won't have that particular first until this summer. i will also have a female gynecologist, something i do not believe i could do without.

despite how much i rant about my mother, i'm glad to see her again. and, she's not dwelling on my less-than-stellar-but-just-good-enough grades. i have that to be very thankful for.

8:55 p.m. - Saturday, Dec. 16, 2006


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