backyard crowing


sleepy sunday blues

all I can say about Lauren, a girl who I went to school with from Kindergarten to 12th grade:

she must need a lot of therapy to retain that larger-than-life, movie star smile. her parents screwed her up, made her want to win at every competition, to be the absolute best at everything. If she couldn't hack it, she didn't want to try it. and, if cheating was a possibility, she would cheat. yes, her parents even taught her to cheat.

I wonder if she has grown since those early elementary school, I thought she was heaven on earth, and I tried to do my hair just like hers, in a low ponytail.

She was popular throughout all of her years in primary school. She didn't include me into her little club. She made fun of me. She said 'hi' to me in high school every once in a while, and I was always skeptical. anyway, she's not worth dwelling on...


From the NYT article--it's a quote from a teen speaking about fwb:

"if you want it to be a hookup relationship, then you don't call the person for anything except plans to hook up. You don't invite them out with you. You don't call just to say hi. You don't confuse the matter. You just keep it purely sexual, and that way people don't have mixed expectations, and no one gets hurt."

I've called Marcus just "to say hi," but that was more because I couldn't think of anything else to say...I'm still not entirely comfortable with my sexuality, and I have trouble initiating phone sex with him. He doesn't know where to begin, either, although he has had phone sex.

What I want to know is why I wanted to say "I love you" to him so badly that night. It was in my veins, or something, I just didn't say it.

This was when I was lying in his arms, in my favorite cuddling position. I moved from one side to the other just to get to that place, the nook where men and women's bodies fit together--I've just discovered it. He was on his back, and I was on my side, hugging him with my head on his shoulder and my left arm draped across his chest. Our legs were also was lovely...but not love, because we are just using each other, I guess. I think the only reason I wanted to say I loved him was because...I have no idea. I can't truly love him because I don't really know him apart from the physical.

Maybe he was right in turning me down on that one occassion, maybe I am becoming attached.

But it had been a trying week, and I needed someone close. I never get a chance to cuddle, but it is a need I have, too.

After some cuddling, he told me that he needed to take me home in about 15 minutes. I had asked him before if I could just stay the night, but he told me he had work in the morning, and that he should probably take me home.

He fell asleep for a while, and so did I, and his snoring woke me up. "Did you know that you snore?" I asked him. Yes, he did. Then I told him that as nice as this was, I didn't want to make him late for work or anything, so we had better go. I think if I hadn't mentioned it, he might not have taken me home that night. Still, I didn't want to inconvenience him, and I want to be physical again with him.

The ride back to my dorm was filled initially with a grand silence. I kept wanting to break it with questions about why he turned me down to make out last time, or what his favorite part of tonight was, or how the moon and Austin's lights looked from his car. I don't ride in cars often anymore, and especially not with boys. His ipod played "Seven Days In Sunny June," a Jamiroquai song that I downloaded a few weeks ago...and I thought of him when I heard the lyrics to that song for the first time. So I lip synched the song, and I don't know if he noticed. He might have thought that my lip synching was with the joy of a girl who has a crush on him, but I tried to make like the girl who has just discovered her g-spot.

He then started talking about a zombie game that he was thinking about, and I paid attention to the conversation. I contributed. But I was also wondering why he was thinking about zombies, of all things. I guess when he was sleeping he might have dreamed about them. He came that evening, and I didn't. Maybe that's why I was in a giggly mood and he was not, I don't know. All I know is that I fell asleep on a boy, naked, and it was wonderful.

I also found out how to get pleasure out of masturbation (he showed me I needed to go deeper and faster), and what a penis feels like, and the noise a guy makes when he comes...

I think that other than this habit...we are relatively upstanding people. We've only played twice, anyway. Maybe it will happen every five months or so, I don't know...he's no reason to stay in Austin, but somehow I want him to be., I don't want that problem...I only think I do...


in the car, at the very beginning of the night, he felt my left breast, and then asked me, "Did you bring the other one, too?" Then he felt the right one, and I asked, "Are you relieved?" "Not yet," he replied, and I could not stop laughing.


I need to just face the fact that my roommate is a bitch, there's no getting around it.

But then she turns around and says things like, "Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Chuck Norris," and she redeems herself slightly with humor.


"I long for the days when that meant nothing to me; they're gone, but you're still here." - on Marcus' away message

I don't know how it happened, but I think I have started to have feelings for you. Maybe it was because you let me cuddle with you. Maybe it was because we fell asleep together, naked, and I felt so safe in your arms. Maybe it's because I want to be vulnerable in front of you, because I trust you. Maybe it's your soft, low voice. Maybe it's the way you pounded...damn, I probably don't know love from sex.

Whatever got me about you has bit, and hard. I don't really know what to do, and I feel like I can't tell you.

4:51 pm - Sunday, Apr. 29, 2007


lovesounds - futuresex


about me