backyard crowing


i am worried, and perhaps too much so

it is okay. i can write, i have a loving mother and father, and i am an interesting, attractive, fun loving young adult. i will get over this. i have prayed about this. i have learned my lesson this time. any time i want to get into a situation that might entail THIS i will have something to look back on, something to fear. i will know what happened the last time, and i will be able to figure out what to do.

here are the good points, and they are all i am going to focus on:

1. i'm not going to die

2. i have loving parents

3. it is probably not something i will have for the rest of my life

4. even if it is something i will have for the rest of my life, many other people probably have it, too, and i will not be without a relationship because of it. people forgive and forget--i've said i would marry a non-virgin. i believe others could see more than just a lifelong disease in me. i will probably still get married.

5. it's probably not something too terribly gross. and even if it is, it's probably temporary, and something i can just look back on later and say, "wow, well i'm never doing THAT again."

6. i can still write. this kind of thing does not affect my chances of having a career. i can be a sad writer, a happy writer--but best of all, a writer. period. i can still write. i can still be myself and make a difference in the world.

even if i am dying (which i am probably NOT), i can still write. even if this is the most disgusting condition in the world, i can still write. even if my parents abandon me and i have this whatever-it-is for the rest of my life and i never marry, i can still write. and, i have God. He will forgive me, I know it.

i don't think i have anything to be ashamed of. marcus said that he was totally clean. he could have lied, and i will NOT rule out that possibility. i have no idea what else could cause something like this. perhaps it is because for a few days i was walking around with no underwear on? perhaps it is because i touched something and then myself, and that is why i have it?

still, it could be Fordyce's spots, which are totally normal, healthy, and only removed for cosmetic purposes. i don't think so, though, because this itches. i just hope hope hope hope hope that my mother doesn't want to come to the appointment with me.

i also hope she doesn't freak out that i'm itching down there or that i have little white spots. i also hope she doesn't ask to see them or about my sex life, which is non-existent, i swear. i hope it wasn't marcus, but if it wasn't him, it was me being stupid enough to not wear underwear or touch something and then myself without washing my hands. oh, how i hope this isn't major.

men can't get tested for hpv. oh. my. gosh.

i don't want to be a statistic. why the heck did i do that? geez. next time i will know. oh, I WILL KNOW.

basal, if you're reading this, you have something, don't you? or you've had something at some point?

please, somebody say i'm not crazy. i'm still a virgin. i want a husband someday.

i hope that's not too much to ask.

maybe i'm being overly dramatic, but this is my future i'm talking about. i'm serious, i want to get married someday. and, i would like to not always need to use condoms. and, i would like to not pass anything on to my future potential offspring.

i must speak up, and tommorow. arggghhh...

so what's the worst case scenario?

1. it is for life
2. it will make me lose my life
3. i won't be able to have sex without passing it on
4. i will be an unmarried virgin for the rest of my life
5. my parents will abandon me

in that case, i still have God and writing.

boy, a potential threat to life--or the good life, anyway--really puts things into perspective.

oh, crap. what if marcus' ex-girlfriend (who has hpv) sat in the passenger's seat? i sat on that seat. i was in a thin dress and no underwear. i sat on many seats in many classes sans panties. i can officially say that it is idiotic to not wear underwear. idiotic. absolutely, positively, i-di-o-tic. don't do it. i don't care how 'sexy' it may sound at the time. wear some freaking undies, even if they're dirty. and if they're dirty, put a pad on so your goods don't have to live in dirt all day. just trust me. i can guarantee you any veneral disease is definitely NOT sexy. worry about health...not sexiness...i am like a broken me...i sound like a parent lecturing...i need to go see my obgyn for the first time...asap...

1:06 am - Monday, May. 21, 2007


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