backyard crowing
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oh, here they are
to dad:
but i do want to court. i do want to be married. i'm eager for that man's shoulder to rest my head on at night. i do long for silly things like that...
i do.
and that's okay. unfortunately, though, i think marcus stirred this longing up in me, and he is one i must forget. today dad went to home depot and dropped me off at a chick-fil-a nearby because i had not eaten. after i finished eating, i walked to a target across the street so that i would not start texting marcus. every once in a while i feel like i need someone to just be goofy with, and he is the first one i think of. after i had finished eating my chicken sandwich, i realized that i had no pen to write with. and no pen = all boredom to janeane, which means text messaging mr. negative and getting into a tailspin all over again. i am NOT koizumi risa. (and he is no otani.) i need to remember that.
leslie (my jr. high and high school best friend) called today, and the last time i saw her was at least a year ago, probably two. she prayed for me, right there, over the phone. i don't believe i've ever prayed an over-the-phone prayer, but i get the feeling it is something that leslie does all the time. i was definitely crying as she spoke, and i'm not sure if she heard me or not. i think i disguised it pretty well. what a sweetheart she is! wow. just hearing that prayer made me feel better about my online course and how i'm progressing.
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i don't know if i'm of use to anybody anymore romantically. i think that sometimes i want so badly to be in a serious relationship that when i date, i take everything much too seriously, and i scare the guy off. i feel i need to learn to just cool it, play it cool, or roll with the punches, so to speak. dating doesn't need to be a "big deal," and in fact, when done right, it's usually not.
who cares if the guy in front of you isn't going to be your husband someday? so stop dating him already! geez! it's not so difficult!
oh, well. i'll learn.
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anymore, i just want to see him, or have him see me somewhere. in my head, i imagine being on the phone and hearing that someone has died, and then bursting into tears.
i think that then, he would come and talk to me. if he saw me in a state like that, he would be horrible not to come and try to comfort me.
and yet i would also like him to see me laughing, leading, and being a better version of myself. i would like him to see that i'm happy, that i have a sparkle in my eye. i would like him to be curious about me, to wonder what it is i have that he...needs.
maybe we're like that friend of dad's. maybe i am the nice girl, and he is the bad boy, and it's a mystery why i chose him to love.
i can't believe i'm crying over him. again. i don't think he deserves my tears, but here they are anyway.
12:16 am - thursday, Jul. 26, 2007
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