backyard crowing



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more stuff from throughout the summer

sept 5

I wonder if he'll ask me to be his boyfriend tonight?

update: YES HE DID!

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august 30

okcupid lets its users (like me) write answers to several questions on our profiles. one question is "What's the most private thing you're willing to admit here?"

my dorky response, which i have since removed:

i am from mars. no, really! 21 years ago, my mother travelled via a SPACESHIP to Earth so that I could be born on Earth, and have all the perks of being considered human. (it was a good plan, for the Martians are constantly warring, and no Martian baby would be safe.)

but don't worry. Martians are GREAT dates. :)

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"Girls have a way of looking sexy at the most innoportune times."
- Adam

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august 28-29

i'm waiting for someone better than marcus to come along. someone who will make me say, "oh, so that's what love is. thank God."

i have a feeling that what with all my internet dating site stuff, i won't be single for too much longer. the last time i had a real date was with jeff. in early november. of 2006. i think i deserve to do some dating.

marcus called me back today. he was at work, which means i wasn't his first priority when he called. if i had been his first priority, he would have phoned from home, sitting around. but he was bored, so he called me.

the conversation lasted about five minutes. i had been on the phone with adam, and told adam that my dad was on the other line. ...so i called adam back and talked to him for a bit, and then my dad actually called, and i dubbed him my mother, instead. at that point we decided i would just call him tommorow. he (adam) should just call me. has he no balls?

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UPDATE:

Abby and I are still friends. I chickened out and didn't say anything, as usual, but we are still friends. Now all I have to do is hope that she doesn't think of me too much differently. I think she said that she got my 21st b-day present last saturday. I hope that's true, because if so, she liked me enough do do that sweet thing only a few days ago. i just got back from talking to her, and as usual, we gabbed for two hours without even hardly realizing it. i swear, if i liked girls or she was a guy, we'd be soulmates. i really love her.

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Paris - 7:10

The Ten - 10 - Ends tommorow!

Sicko - 7 and 9:30

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First Day:

I'm up at 7:30 am for my nine o'clock. This will probably never happen again...looks like i'm leading an early life, this semester. I wonder what the school newspaper does when there's an ice day? do they continue operating, apart from the campus? I would be proud to work for such an organization. well, i would be proud to work at any paper, really. i just hope i get in. day after tommorow is my first tryout.

other than school, what should i do today?

-pay that parking ticket
-mail in that rebate
-buy more books that i might need
-fill out app. for paper
-do room inspection
-do laundry
-do roommate agreement
-study
-tidy room
-see a movie tonight?
-get good sleep, and of course eat and shower

yes, those shall be my goals for today.

wish me luck!

ta ta!

p.s. the roommie has late classes this semester, which can make rising early even more difficult. (easier for her, though!)

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august 27

today i...

did a lot of nothing. and now i'm continuing to do nothing, thanks to adam. and marcus.

ugh.

why do i let my life be run by men?

adam i am seeing tommorow after my hall meeting, and marcus should call me back.

today i went to a college mtg. and had pizza at the best place you can do that on the drag. slices and ices is a little piece of heaven, i'm convinced.

man i hope abby and i are okay. the fact that we might not be keeps looming in the back of my mind. if our friendship is over, i don't know what i'll do. ...not anything drastic, of course...i'll just be very saddened indeed. our kind of friendship is a rarity. i should have treated it as such. maybe i'm making too big a deal out of this, perhaps all is forgotten. i just don't KNOW yet, and that's what's killing me.

the meeting today was an hour and a half, and boring but informational.

i'm surprised that marcus called me at all. i have his message saved in my cellphone. i hope he's not moving or something. i hope he has realized that he took me for granted. i hope he likes me. no, jane, be honest with yourself. i hope he loves me. which is ridiculous, but hey, i am ever the romantic. can you blame me? my parents are divorced. i'm freaking in love with love.

i don't know what to think of this adam person. i'm assuming he's trustworthy, but did meet him on the internet, after all. he calls me "sweetie" and "babe" and "sweetheart" and "gorgeous," but i have yet to see him in person. but we did have phone sex, after all. what is with me? i don't understand myself, or my sexuality. i do believe that society tries to keep women from enjoying sex...this shit hits me like a tidal wave, it's so apparent. a tidal wave of shit, that's what this is.

i'm thinking now about summer, and how during it i could predict the words of everyone around me. if i did x, mom would say y. if i did x, my boss would say y. if i did x, my dad would say y. and those three people were my world for the summer: the people who will dictate my life if i'm not careful to meet people who will allow me to be my own person. such predictability and mundaneness is enough to kill a person. i KNOW when i make a mistake, and i KNOW how to fix it. i don't need a bunch of reprimands (polite ones or otherwise) to help me understand whatever it is i'm doing wrong.

i wish marcus would freaking call me already. then again, i'm still trying to figure out what im going to say when he does. i don't want to seem eager, for fear that i'll get hurt again. i dont ...

okay, i'm going to go make a cosopolitan now. gnight.

okay, now i'm drinking it. it's actually not a cosmo, its:

-the juice of one lemon
-8 oz. of cranberry apple raspberry juice (minute maid) - give a little
-skyy vodka, berry flavored, filling up the rest of my harry potter mug
-two ice cubes (they're nice to both keep it cool and water down the tartness)

so, it's my own creation. i call it dorm dare, because if my roommate (who is also the RA) walks in, she might not be laughing so much. it's also called dorm dare because it's simple to make. the only ingredients other than the vodka are that juice (which can be substituted for basically any other juice) and a lemon. these two things can be found at the market downstairs. oh, and ice cubes. please tell me you dorm people have those? they're nice for temperature play, too. ;)

it always amazes me how fast alcohol begins to take its affect on me. my arms are already weirdly warm, and i'm much more tired than i was before, even after 1/4 of this mug. i wonder if my roommate can smell alcohol. i think most people can, but with my nose, it's difficult to percieve, unless i'm bomBARded with it.

and by the way, i went barhopping twice recently. adam said "that doesn't sound like you," which is amusing and incredibly annoying. leslie has been another to use this stupid phrase, as has dad. "that doesn't sound like you." and my favorite (*sarcasm*), "be yourself."

but i am ALWAYS myself, and when someone tells me to be that, all they are saying is that i should be what they think i should be, how they picture me, and what is expected in normal, civilized society. but i am not civilized, on the inside, nor do i wish to be so.

and "that doesn't sound like you" is such a transparent ploy to get a person to stop doing something. what if the 'you' in this sentence is changing? what if you never were the 'you' that you placed in front of the world? what if it was all a sham, and everyone else is just now starting to know the real 'you'?

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august 25

in other news, i just bought a book called MORTIFIED at urban outfitters. it's a collection of embarrassing passages from diaries of young people, with commentary from them as adults. a great fun read, i suggest you pick it up right now, for some laughs. they are indeed heroic, as the author writes in the introduction. the kids' ages range from about 8 to 17. i love to read about the weird shit they sink into. though i haven't been through that crap, it takes me to my own past, nevertheless.

there's a girl who lost her virginity at age 12 in the book.

there's a girl who tries to convert everyone to Christianity.

there's a boy who dates a new girl almost weekly.

there's a jewish girl who is insecure with the fact that her family is wealthy.

there's everyone i wish i knew.

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june 28, nighttime

at the moment, i am drinking beringer's sauvignon blanc, the first bottle of wine i have ever purchased by myself. i bought it two days ago at kroger for six or seven dollars, and tonight when i tried to find the wine decorker (uncorker? corker?) i became unpleasantly aware that my mother has probably hidden the thing. i tried scissors, eggbeaters, and finally a knife, which forced the cork down into the wine bottle. my wine will taste like cork, but i don't really care. it's alcohol, isn't it? oi, i sound like a burgeoning alcoholic. i'm not.

i would really love to be having sex right now... when i drink i try to be in the mood. when i lose my virginity i want to be sober, but being a little tipsy while fucking after it's lost sounds like fun...not every time, but from time to time...it could even become something to talk naughty about.

"Baby, did you have some vodka?"

"Yeah, I had a little vodka."

"Come on now, do you want some more?"

"Yeah, gimme a little more, give it here..."

But...that sounds too much like rape for me to like it. Doesn't it? But Abby has said she fantasizes about rape...but she also says that fantasy is lessening ever since she got a strange gut feeling from a guy who lived down the hall from us last semester. He was the reason she quit facebook. i hate idiot guys who try to make you do shit...idiot guys like marcus...

However, I also find it very depressing that my go-to boy is over. I don't have definite physical contact to look forward to, no guaranteed makeout. Of course, when I did have him, I only had him twice and five months apart, but still...I had the hope that he might be up for it again in another five months. Is that not sad? I think I want a boyfriend.

I have to ask John out. I was infatuated with him in high school, and now I know where he works--at a burrito place. I can't just let him wander out of my life, I've got to do something...when I saw him at the restaurant, I wasn't sure I had recognized him. We stared at each other a couple of times. He has long hair now. I asked for an application and was so flustered that I decided not to order anything...I had a dream about him in high school that i didn't remember until the other day, when i read an old journal entry that i never recorded on dl, because i didn't have an account at that point. i can't recall all the details of the dream, but here's the long and short of it:

for some reason, i'm in his car with him. i think he's about to take me home--maybe my car is in the shop or something. somehow we get onto the topic of family, and he tells me a sad story about how his family never gives him affection, and he's never been kissed on the cheek. it's easy to see he's incredibly lonely, but he's acting like such a trooper and so strong.

but it's an emotional scene, and shy little me starts kissing him all over his face--innocently, desperately, and attempting to make up for all of the kisses he has missed. then he stops me, and kisses me on the lips. i stop and look at him, frightened, comforted, and wide-eyed. we continue kissing like this for a short while, and then we break away, and he takes me home.

this was just a dream, and in reality if my car was out of order i would have asked one of my girl friends to give me a ride, but i did have a small, less dramatic revelation with him one night during high school. we had been walking to our cars, and mine happened to be parked next to his. this was after a game, and i believe he was a senior, and i a junior. i don't remember what i asked him, but it was something about how he was doing, or what he was up to, or where he was going. "across town to my dad's, and then back to my mom's," he said, disappointedly. i said something like, "i'm sorry. good luck," and then was on my way. when i sat down in my car and closed the door, i thought about what he said, and i realized it was exactly what i was about to do--except fortunately my parents lived twenty minutes apart, so i didn't require going across town. i looked to my left, at him, putting his car into reverse. i think he saw me look at him.

i do remember focusing on not being forward or really saying much when we were on our way to the cars, so him seeing my glance was embarassing, and i feigned great interest in sliding a new cd into my player while he backed up. crazy amazing insane people like him make me miss high school. somebody said they'd pay him a certain amount of money (could not have been much, maybe 50-100 dollars) if he pooped in his pants. he took that person up on the offer. i didn't witness this event, but i heard it that day. of course i dissaproved (openly and internally), but now i think, "man, did he had guts of steel..."

i remember vividly one day waiting to load the buses for a game when he was standing and moving his body from side to side, making some sort of noise. i observed smilingly for a bit, and then i told him that i thought he looked like the kids from "Sound of Music" in that one scene where they sing "Cuckoo" in a line formation as a way of saying goodnight to the dinner party. i asked him, "haven't you ever seen 'The Sound of Music'?!" and he denied it. after a minute or two, he sat down beside me and admitted that he had seen it, and that he just didn't want any of the nearby guys to know. of course i burst out laughing, and i told him i had blackmail material, but all in fun. he seemed a little amused, and i'll always remember that little scene... i don't know why, but i will. i suppose it gave me some insight about what it means to be a man, and the sort of reputation one must keep with one's male friends.

he could also do this strange stomach trick, where he moved his stomach in and out like a wave. he was a skinny, tan boy with brown hair and brown eyes. i don't think he's on facebook. he's not the type, and for some reason, i'm glad of that.

goodnight, john. you amazed me, and you amaze me still, even though neither of us speak much.

like i said, i have to ask him out. i asked a random guy named steven at a smoothie place out--so there's no reason i can't ask john out.

i am getting so drunk...i'm going to finish this bottle! my first bottle of wine!alone. i want to have sex. oi. and i think i'm going to have a hangover tomorrow, but i don't really care. i'm off tommorow.

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but i never did tonight what i had planned to do. i was supposed to tell you, diary, about the dream i had last night.

here's the dream:

i am on a team, a squad.

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i really want to fuck someone right now. i am so horny...this would be jane's first time drunk, and she's really enjoying it.

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may 30, 2007

dominique moceanau is a figure skater.

but no, dominique is not a figure skater, because in reality she is exactly that, and i am trying to write fiction. as in, i am attempting the impossible: lying beautifully. artfully. twisting the truth in such an exquisite manner that someone--anyone--with a brain and eyes, that is, can halt their life to observe someone else's. the idea behind fiction, or mine, anyway, is to make stony hearts feel.

i should start out with a character, should i not? how about a protagonist, a people person, a person who is of the people, whom they will respect? how about someone who we can identify with, a person whose mind works like ours do on occasion? let us add a flaw to this character, so that he or she may not be a super hero, nor someone who is too good to be true.

our character?

a college student by the name of clara black. everyone calls her clary. she has recently transferred from central oklahoma state university to missouri state, the best journalism school in the united states. clary has bold, lofty goals for her life. she is an only child with parents who divorced when she was nine. she grew up in tulsa and was a mediocre high schooler, as far as grades went. she graduated within the top 25% of her high school, which was never good enough for her. she always strove for only the best in school, but she usually fell short a few too many times for her own high standards.

her parents--or at least her mother--was extremely protective of her and insisted on knowing near everything about her life. clary once believed her mother was her best friend, but as she grows older, she finds that a mother's judgment can only go so far. there are just some things that one does not tell one's mother, and clary is in the process of learning this when our story starts.

but we need another character now, don't we? yes. a play or movie must have at least two characters, right? well...right?

i'll stick to tradition...i NEED another character.

marco del valle. marc is a somewhat sinister but likable character. initially, he only knows clara through the internet. he reads her journal, and she reads hers. they comment on each other's entries every few days and have conversations via chat. marco is the youngest of three and grew up in the hick town of bixby, oklahoma. he doesn't know what he's doing with his life, but he's 20 years old and living with his brother and a roommate in a house. he works as a waiter and a mechanic at a bowling alley, he plays tuba in a drum corps, and on top of that he takes a couple of courses each semester at a community college. his parents had little money for his education when he graduated. he fell hard for a girl during high school, and he's still trying to find a remedy to her loss. she did not die, but she left him, which to him might have been worse. marco now watches porn every night and has been caught by his brother with it once. he also amuses himself with his extensive video game collection, which is his favorite hobby. he also enjoys acting, and has been told he has a voice for radio.

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may 25

"You're crazy to be buying hard liquor."

The cashier looked at my jeans, my round, makeupless face, and assumed what everyone seems to assume: I'm too young.

"Why?" I asked earnestly, because perhaps there was some reason I could not identify. I just turned 21, and I live in Texas. Of course I would buy hard liquor on my birthday. She took my license, looked it over for longer than usual, and set it back on the counter near her hip. As she rang up my first bottle of vodka and sour apple smirnoffs, I asked her what to add to vodka. "Cranberry juice, or any kind of juice would work well," she explained, "people put juice in vodka, often."

She returned my license, and after squeezing it into my wallet once more, she still looked concerned.

"So, is today...the 26th? Or is your birthday the 25th?" she asked, still in disbelief.

"Yes, ........ (here i trailed off)

1:15 am - Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2007
0 comments

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a mishmash of old summer entries, bear with me...

i still can't believe that he would do that. my dad put his name in my contacts list on youtube.


what does this mean? this means that if i make a private video, he will be able to see it. fortunately, i found out about this and remedied the situation by taking his name off that thing. when i log off of youtube, i can no longer see my private videos, and he won't be able to, either.


i'm just pissed that he would invade my privacy like that.


and, i'm changing my windows password. i'm also going to put this diary elsewhere, because if he did that in my youtube account, odds are he is looking for or has found this journal ages ago. fuck, i don't know why i give my dad any credit. he read my mother's diary when they were married, and he found a letter i had written to his ex-girlfriend (a chick he almost married) and sent it off to her, long after they had broken up. it was a letter that began, "Dear Anna," but like many of my letters, i never meant to send it to her. he had the audacity to address and stamp the envelope, and send it. i asked him if he had read it, and of course he lied and said no.


i'm now trying to decide whether or not i want to keep my youtube account open or not. OF COURSE i am going to make a new account for my videos, but i might remove the one private video i have up at the moment and just keep the old one there, to make it look like that's my account. or that account might be used for my public vlogs. only i won't tell him about any of my vlogs, he'll discover the public ones on his own. fuck. no wonder my mother divorced him.

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Germaine Greer - "The essence of pleasure is spontaneity."

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i don't feel very loved at all. i'm lonely, but so are most people, and i don't know why i'm writing this. i think i am tired, and i may have gotten dad's cold, because my head hurts. sickness is never a good thing.


i am disconnected from the world, and i am asleep all day. maybe i just need some vitamin d?


i wish everyone would just go away and leave me alone, and yet i feel desperate for some friends, and maybe a guy...but a guy is really too much to ask for, and if i'm looking out for myself, i know i don't want a guy.


i could talk to marc, he's always there.


and he's always marc, so nevermind...


(sorry, this is a depressing post)


i guess i just wished someone liked me, other than my jeff. arg. i'm pretty sure it was he who wrote, "You're so pretty" in my honesty box. i asked colin if he had written anything lately in it, and he said no. he also told me that even people without the honesty box application could write in my box. so yeah...probably jeff. why did i date him again?


i feel a little lost, like i'm not sure how people behave in relationships.

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sometimes i miss him so much. i saw "the last kiss" on the shelf at blockbuster the other night and almost bought it because it is listed as one of his favorite movies on facebook. it was also the one and only movie we saw together. (but we weren't 'together' then, we were never truly 'together'). i resisted the temptation and did not pick up the dvd. i also donated the shirt that i wore when i met him in person for the first time to goodwill. i will never see that shirt again...that was a triumph for me. i almost told mom the story as i placed it in the donation bag, i felt like whooping.


i need therapy, counseling, a shrink. i keep trying to replace my sadness with materials, which is usually not a problem for me. i have recently taken too much of a fondness for cookie dough, cheez-its, buying things and more things (webcam, workout dvd, food, other dvds, and *gasp* a t-shirt). i know there's something wrong when i go out and buy clothes...and enjoy it. i HATE clothes shopping!


and at target the other day. no, i cannot be trusted alone with my cell phone for any length of time. i feel proud that i have managed not to communicate with him since he rejected me. it has been about two whole months that i have not done anything. two months. TWO MONTHS. i am improving, and i know this.


i cry, and he is dating a new girl. he is single now, but not for long, i'm sure. maybe i should track when i do and don't cry about him. so far, it has been 3-4 times, all occurring this summer, but i haven't cried in quite a while. lately i feel differently about romance movies...i look forward to them as usual, but they are a letdown in that i am reminded of him, and how he didn't feel like sweeping me off my feet, and i was silly enough to believe our two kissing bouts might amount to anything...when we had agreed that they were strictly for the thrilling hell of it. even now, i hope he had fun, i think he had fun.


i want to talk to him, but i wouldn't know what to say. i want to im him or text message him, but that would take away from the gravity of whatever it is that i don't have to say to him over the phone. i simply cannot appear on a screen to him. i am invisible then, and therefore less human. of course he would text message me. that's the easy way out, he's not required to say much if that happens to him. oi. "happens to him," what a phrase. i happened to him, and now he might regret it. but i will never forget him, and i hope the remembrance is likewise, even though we may never see or communicate with each other again.


i wish he meant less to me, because if he did, this twinge wouldn't be so unrelenting.

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saw this somewhere online, and recorded it here:

Sexologist John Money draws the line between love and lust in this way: "Love exists above the belt, lust below. Love is lyrical. Lust is lewd."

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Saw this, as well:

Attraction

"While the initial feelings may (or may not) come from lust, what happens next -- if the relationship is to progress -- is attraction. When attraction, or romantic passion, comes into play, we often lose our ability to think rationally -- at least when it comes to the object of our attraction. The old saying "love is blind" is really accurate in this stage. We are often oblivious to any flaws our partner might have. We idealize them and can't get them off our minds. This overwhelming preoccupation and drive is part of our biology. We'll go deeper into the chemicals involved in attraction in The Chemistry of Love.

12:35 am - Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2007
0 comments

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i'm not dead. just busy. i miss posting here.

but i really, really liked him. that's why i still think of him, every once in a while...and when i hear this song.

this stupid, sappy song. the song that was playing when i wrote the entry you read, the one that began my process of knowing, loving, and hating you. but i don't hate you anymore. i just miss you, that's all, and i don't know if i should.

"tell me, how long you gonna stay here, Jo?
Some people say this town don't look good in snow
You don't care, I know.


Ventura Highway, in the sunshine
Where the days are longer
The nights are stronger than moonshine
You're gonna go I know


Cause the free wind is blowin' through your hair
and the day surround your daylight there"

11:54 pm - Monday, Sept. 10, 2007
0 comments

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living with parents

"The reason one writes isn't the fact he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say." —F. Scott Fitzgerald

I just read this off of the site "To Boldly Nano," and yesterday I finished Fitzgerald's short story Winter Dreams.

So now I'm wondering, whatever do I have to say? What else, besides, "life is crappy right now"?

And truly, it is blooming with possibility, particularly compared to the life of many others, but I suppose I am negative enough to toss that fact out the window and wallow anyway.

My dad is moving to ATX because he has a job there, and I'm certainly proud of him. He has been 'unemployed' (translation: lacking a 'real' job) for the last four years. Finally, he's back into the computer industry, where I believe he will be happy.

Last night he suggested the possibility of buying a duplex, and of me staying in part of it during the last semester or two of college...that would be starting in January of 08. But the fact remains: I would still be living with him, and I would still be 25-30 minutes away from campus, and what I'm realizing now, my life.

Part of the amazing about ATX was that our capital city was a beacon for me--nay--IS a beacon for me, so long as I continue living on my own. I was getting away from my parents, escaping their seemingly endless battle against each other, and truly becoming myself. Part of the extreme excitement I gain from going back to school is due to an intense freedom, a lack of micromanagement on my mother's part, a lack of pressure on my dad's part to spend 'quality time' with him, and a general sense of "my parents are gone, so let's actually start living now."

If I live with either of my parents, I can't:

-drink (even though it is okay now because I am of age, I almost never drink around my parents. Don't ask me why. I would never get drunk around them of course, but...I suppose it is a sign that I do not want inhibitions when such snakes could take advantage of me?)
-get a tattoo (I'm going to get one in ATX eventually, but living with dad, it would be impossible)
-go out with friends (I would be living too far away from campus to actually have those--almost all of my friends are people I live next to or have lived next to)
-do without going to the grocery store weekly (a luxury that I usually want as a dorm dweller, but in this situation, it only becomes a burden)
-just do whatever I feel like, or study without interruption (because if dad is stupid and thinks that he rules all and I should help him with every little thing, then I will be stuck postponing homework and things like happiness)
-go clubbing, most likely (my dad would freak out and want me to call him while on 6th street--thereby preventing my drinking yet again)
-DATE (that's one of the worst ones...I can't date when I'm living with a parent, or in a duplex next to a parent...it's the same stupid situation, if you ask me..."Whooooo was that boooy?" UGH.)
-be unbothered when I need to (if you shut out your roommate for a few hours, she'll understand that you just need space and time to recover from whatever emotional blahs you're in at the moment. shut out a parent, and they take it personally.)
-leave on a whim at 3 am without being questioned (sometimes a person just needs a quiet, early morning drive to ease her mind.)
-go to a party (same situation with the clubbing thing)

Despite all this, I would much rather live with my dad than my mom. All of these points are grossly exaggerated when it comes to the idea of living with her, except for perhaps 4 and 5, because she understands the need to study, uninterrupted.

Living with a parent is denying the fierce independence that I have carried intrinsically since I was born.

And in regards to living with parents during the summers: summers are different. Summers have an end.

1:38 am - Tuesday, Aug. 07, 2007
1 comments

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michel gondry's rubik's cube exploits!

If you're bored and you have a few minutes paired with an interest in odd humor, I reccommend the following videos, in order--the last video is the most important one, humor-wise.

Michel Gondry's first stunt (solving a rubik's cube with his feet):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-eZEDkFYFA

The tell-all of how he faked his first stunt:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaVsaWjzsds&mode=related&search=

Michel doing his second stunt (solving a rubik's cube with his NOSE):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB8XedMowDU&NR=1

And lastly, how he faked his second stunt!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGCDB9tITZ4&NR=1

4:47 pm - Thursday, Aug. 02, 2007
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Kristens Beware

I just had a realization:

Perhaps the reason that I have only been rejected by one guy is because I leave relationships before they have time to reject me first.

Aie. Wouldn't that be crazy?

(In this scenario I am not counting Marcus as a guy who rejected me, because we were never in a relationship. I'm only counting Rob here.)

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Fuck fuck fuck! I am so fucked! By girls! Named Kristen!

The only two guys I have ever loved, and they both go falling for Kristens. GAH!

And what is this Kristen’s last name? N. Yes, N, the same city where my first love lived.

I just read unofficial's most recent post, and it says that the true test to whether or not you're 'over' someone is how you react when they acquire a new significant other. SO, apparently I'm still not over the lame-o. Apparently I am resolving to go to therapy when I get back to school. Apparently I am as crazy as I thought I was.

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anymore i feel like no one i 'know' knows me very well. i am cut off. i want other people to mean more to me, i wish i could feel others instead of sensing them. like at work--i can sense a co-worker looking at me and evaluating me, but i don't talk to them about anything remotely serious. if they ask how i am, i always say i am 'good.' if i ask how they are, it's usually the same repsonse. i find it difficult to make small talk...i'm the worst at talking about nothing. my father's mother, however, is the exact opposite. she seems to have the wherewithal to chat endlessly about nothing for hours. what did she make for dinner? fascinating. what are the names of the new kittens on the farm? wow. what relative is having an ailment today? uh huh. and on, and on...

and i am taking her for granted right now, and i know it. bad jane. :(

i keep watching movies and dramas and the anime lovely complex and such, and i feel lonely that i don't know the people around me like they know each other. there's no one who i find myself saying 'jinx' to very often. i don't do the things they do or say the things they say onscreen. i simply exist. i have little interaction with anyone other than 'what kind of bread can i get for you' or 'six inch or twelve.' i would like to have friends, and particularly a boyfriend, like the ones that i see in those shows. i feel that there is more to life because of them, and they become my makeshift friends.

i guess intrigue seems to lie in those we don't know? maybe for me it does...and then, no wonder i like movies like Amelie. she can't seem to be at ease with anyone who is not in her imaginary world. she shuts people out, and dreams of situations and 'what ifs.' perhaps i'm not meant to be a newspaperwoman.

what is amelie's job, anyway? oh yeah, she's a professional waitress...nope, won't be getting into that, if i can help it...

- wednesday, Aug. 01, 2007
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lofty goals

Is it perfectly fine and even admirable to want to simply have a family and kids, and just nix the lofty academic sorts of dreams?

I once thought that the dream of having a family was a good one, but honestly, when you think about it... most people have those. They may be wacky or crazy or downright awful, but they’re still our families. This leaves me wondering, “Why should it be a life goal to reproduce?” Essentially dreaming of having a family is reproducing a few times, is it not? Anybody can do that, unless of course they can’t, and then there is the exception. I can empathize with that exception.

Because humanity is constantly reproducing ANYWAY, why not broaden our horizons and make knowledge our goal? God gave us brains, so we should think with them.

Having kids is a huge responsibility, and it requires much time and patience, but when the fit hits the shan, everybody’s already having kids. We have a surplus of them.

So I’m now having a harder time understanding people like my grandmother, who only worked for a couple of years in her entire 70 years, and only had one year of college. She was happy to settle down and have children, but why would a person settle for only that? She raised them well (in some regards), and loved them with every fiber of her being, but what about her? What about her career? Well, it never really existed, unless you count making ice cream sundaes and some clerical work for two years or so. She went domestic...and I was once confused/happy with/okay with this domesticated life of hers, but now I wonder...what could she and many other women have done other than have families? I don’t think anyone should only cook, clean, and look after their kids for their entire life. There’s more to a human than these things, we’ve been doing them for MANY years. I can’t comprehend such basic goals.

Then again, perhaps I am taking my own life for granted in a big way here. Not everyone has a family, and not everyone can have kids. And for those people, that goal of raising a family is just as powerful and challenging as the writer who reaches for a Nobel Prize, or the doc that’s trying to find a cure to cancer.

I’m just...I’m just having a hard time all of a sudden understanding why a person would want to raise their kid(s) and have them excel. What about revelations about society, or scientific breakthroughs, or literary genius? Why wouldn’t a person naturally gravitate toward these sorts of dreams?

I cannot seem to keep it simple, and perhaps that will be my downfall. To quote Say Anything, “If you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise.”

Or rather, if your goals are low, you probably won’t be disappointed.

Meh, fuck that!

“I wanna get hurt!”
-Say Anything

9:19 am - Friday, Jul. 27, 2007
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a smile (poem)

an old poem, this one is about david *sigh*:

a smile was the only
garment of his i ever noticed
it was his permanent expression--
funny, i believed smiles were him
that he owned them
that he was the only one who could, properly
or could make me

- tuesday, Jul. 24, 2007
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