backyard crowing
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patch, porn, prisons, and...the unalliterate chap
i broke up with patch yesterday. another, more extensive update on that is to come.
and thank you, my fellow bloggers, for that entry on porn! funny how we were both writing on it at the same time, and i just happened to stumble upon your blog!
more of an update on the porn thing later.
my energy has been exhausted.
BUT, i went to the four seasons yesterday and saw mayor wynn talk about global warming! and, i sat in a media roundtable about the tyc!
so despite the intense stress that comes with my first journalistic job, i am getting 'out there' in the world, and experiencing life from new perspectives...
i wonder often how my life came to be so sweet. why is it that i am not in a texas youth prison? why are there kids my age locked up, beaten, and sexually abused by the guards that are hired to teach and protect them?
fortunately i feel the new tyc leader is genuine...or at least she seems that way, in some regards. let us hope so.
in other news, my cousin chap is in the hospital because of a bike accident yesterday. i don't know many details, but the doctor says he might recover fully--or he might not survive. dad went to visit chap yesterday, with other family members. i was at the office when he called my cell, and asked if my editors might have more information as to which hospital chap might have been in. apparently the accident was somewhere near downtown, so they recommended brackridge.
sure enough, chap was there, and so was his immediate family. what heartache has occurred recently...but i'm not giving up.
not even when i skip my math test today. it's not over yet.
11:27 am - Wednesday, Sept. 26, 2007
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pr0n, and you.
i texted marcus yesterday, and he replied to me this morning. small talk, but a few references to sex, of course. i'm glad we're back to normal, but at the same time, i know we will never truly be 'normal,' because a part of me will always long for him, no matter what kind of crap he gets himself into. what is it about him that gets me?
and i found out today that patch watches porn. he tried to play it off in a few ways:
1. "it's cinemax, so it's not so bad. Translation: it's not real sex, so it's not really porn."
Yeah, right.
2. "i like to look at women's bodies."
Duh. What else is new?
3. "i watch it on the internet."
And that would differ from buying videos becaaaaause? There's no difference, buddy boy.
4. "you'll have a hard time finding a guy who doesn't look at porn."
Oh, okay. So now I should just automatically lower my expectations, because i won't get a nice boy. Why, SURE!
5. "the women are volunteering to have their picture taken, or to be videotaped, so is it really degrading?"
A woman can be degraded without realizing it.
i'm fairly certain i will break up with patch soon. i'm sick of his weirdness...and his mere presence, sometimes. and i just want to talk to him, not have him show me stuff on the internet. he's so...ugh. weird. and i don't know if i quite trust him yet. i'm already tired of men. he needs to back off...but actually, no, i'm just going to break up with him already. enough is fucking enough!
i'm going to remove Austin from my networks on facebook, so that if marcus comes hunting for me, he'll need to friend me before he sees my profile. i've seen his profile all the time, i just don't want him seeing mine right now, because after all, i'm listed as 'in a relationship.' one that patch said he felt good about tonight. pfft. not for long!
i feel like anymore in this journal i let out the secrets that i am ashamed of, and essentially this is my own huge postsecret log. i admire those postcard writers for their courage to tell the naked truth about themselves, and even though their indecencies and tragedies impress and humble me, i am slowly discovering that i do not wish to be a victim, an unsung hero--it's not as glamorous as it looks.
1:52 am - Sunday, Sept. 23, 2007
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Like A Journalist! Writing for the very first tiiiiime!
I'm officially a journalist! "Reporter" is my official title, I believe. I'm swamped...but excited! I will be paid to write, and that is a huge goal of mine.
Of course, it's just the beginning, and it's not a full time job by any means, but it's a start, and a good one. This paper has won lots of awards, and I feel it's the best place for me outside of news organizations that are off campus.
I have three articles due on Sunday, and two for my classes on Monday.
I also have a Math test on Wednesday, and a mass communications homework due Tuesday.
I am in over my head, and I'm very aware of it...
And I'm still contemplating the whole situation with Patch. We discussed relationships in general for an hour and 45 minutes tonight, and it was good to have a heart to heart with him. I have been quite honest, I believe.
He's new in town, and he doesn't get along with his roommates. He doesn't really relate to his friends very well, either. He says that being with me is like his "me" time, and that all of his previous relationships--except for one--ended because he was being too clingy, and I thought that this confession was very telling indeed...and it was brave of him to admit that fact. His only relationship that ended for a different reason was because SHE was the one being too clingy, and would come to his house at 11 pm many nights without calling first.
So it's not just me, he really IS clingy. I'm not imagining things, and I have a right to be unsatisfied with his constant calls, text messages, and invitations to hang out.
And you know what? It's not my fault he doesn't have friends. That's his thing, his prerogative. He needs to go out and get that independence, it's his responsibility to get out in the world. I shouldn't be the one he runs to--that's not beneficial to either of us. Eventually I will get tired of him, and/or he will get frustrated that I can't always be hanging out with him, and/or he will become depressed that he has no one he can relate to, no one who is like him.
In this huge city, it is surprisingly easy to feel alone. Scary, really, that such a great place as Austin could have a side so dark. I told him that my first year was hard, and that it is hard for many, and i hope he understands that life will improve. I like him. He is an underdog, and I feel he will succeed. But I can't be his shoulder to lean on all of the time. I have my life, and my career, and he is not my priority, even though he might want to be -- and even though I might be his priority.
I have told him that I don't want to get married in college, that I don't want to live with him while we're in college, that my career is my priority, and that I don't want to get married soon.
We're so different, it's hard to imagine us 'making it.' But I don't know...I am idealistic, and so is he. He just likes me more than I like him.
I don't know what else to say. I'm tired of talking about him, and equally as tired of writing about him.
Yesterday I made this pro and con list:
Pros:
-he says he would be willing to wait for sex for the right person
-he calls me a lot, and therefore he's interested
-at least he's okay with paying half and half, which is a theory that I am a fan of
-he believes in God
-he cooks for me sometimes
Cons:
-he says he loves me all the time, when he knows I might not love him back, but tell him I love him anyway
-he talks about sex stuff fairly often, especially premarital sex
-he contacts me way too much, and I don't want to hang out with him every day (he wants to see me daily)
-he doesn't pay for me, and he's totally okay with the girl paying for everything
-I'm not totally sure I'm attracted to him
-He's too sweet in bed--he doesn't want to dominate me (although I haven't approached him about dominating me yet)
-he wasn't enthusiastic about having to walk down ONE FLOOR to open the door for me
-he tried to manipulate me into buying milk for him
-he cooks for me, but it's mainly because he's trying to save money
-he seems to be better at school than I am, and I KNOW that he will feel that I am breaking up with him if I turn down his offers to go out enough times -- which I turn him down politely any time I can (Because I have homework, dude)
-he thinks that love is more important than his career now, and I completely disagree
-he would rather marry within the next three years or so, wheras I would much prefer to marry at age 30
-he thinks that playing video games and having me watch him do so is spending quality time
-he doesn't ask me what I want to watch on TV, and doesn't think, "Oh, she might not want to watch action movies, maybe I should ask her what she likes."
-he doesn't make me laugh very often--that guy at ACL made me laugh about three times (genuinely) when we were in line for just 20 minutes or so
-he talks shit about his exes (kankles, the Messenic Jewish girl he dated)
-he's negative, and believes "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
-he asks me when my classes are, in hopes of surrounding them with time that we spend together. He's really in my way a lot of the time. I would be completely happy to just see him twice a week, but no, he wants to see me every freaking day.
-he's easily distracted (and by that I mean EXTREMELY ADHD)
-he doesn't always listen (i think that's another effect of the ADHD)
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And then the day before, I started to write some things, and came up with this, off of the dating website we used to meet each other:
he had only 8 questions out of those 54 that he would accept more than one answer to, and he never accepted more than 2 answers.
29 had two choices picked as 'acceptable'
9 had more than 2 choices picked as 'acceptable'
just a few of the things on his list that could be bothersome:
12. He would need to sleep with someone before he married them.
13. If someone chooses to wait for marriage to have sex, that is ridiculous.
15. He would consider sleeping with someone on a first date.
16. He enjoys meaningless sex.
19. He would not date someone if they were bisexual.
23. He's looking for someone to come home to, and who wants to come home to him.
49. He would consider having an open relationship, where he could see other people, but he wouldn't want his partner to ever consider having an open relationship.
11:58 pm - friday, Sept. 21, 2007
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