backyard crowing
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masturbation realization. :o
so i've realized something lately...
when i was younger, my mother didn't like it if i went to the bathroom at night. she thought i should just go once before bed, and then not again until morning. she would get mad at me if i went more than just the once before bed...especially if i went twice after being tucked in.
unfortunately my bathroom and bedroom was right next to her bathroom and bedroom, so i had no real privacy.
what i've realized is that after sex or masturbation, i usually want to go to the bathroom. infact, many people try to go to the bathroom before sex, so they can be more sure that they won't urinate in bed.
my mother caught me "in the act" once, and so did my dad. mom knew what was up, and i'm hoping to God that he didn't figure it out.
how fucking embarrassing. i cringe to think about it.
anyway, i realize now that she was either consciously or unconsciously discouraging me from...you know, self-love.
the reason why i didn't explore myself for years upon years after a couple of years of bedtime fun has become a bit more clear to me.
blech.
- sunday, Jan. 13, 2008
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