backyard crowing


i want to singa!

shhhh...don't talk. succumb to...bliss? yes. matt holding me is bliss. i just hope he feels the same way about me. i don't know what to do, but i wish he was here now, in my bed, cuddling sweetly, fondling sweetly, smiling sweetly. he's so innocent, just like a little boy. he doesn't say much, and i'm just enamored. what to do?

the quiet moments are the best. non-verbal communication is delicious and tender. tastes like chicken. :)

i had no clue last night what that was going to turn into. in the grocery store, we chatted awkwardly about juices. i dressed up last night because of him; i always dress up because of him. i'm glad i had an excuse last night to be so close to him, warm and welcoming. he's a great sleep aid, only i wish the beds in this stupid dorm were bigger. never fear, for we'll both have apartments next year! ah, sweetness...i cannot wait for that.

i've been invited to hang with the group this summer, and to the 21st birthdays of matt and cj. there's potential that this arrangement could be for more than a year. what if i dated matt for more than a year? what if i dated matt? will i date matt? does matt want to date? does he want to date me? these are all questions that i MUST have ANSWERS to. i like him. i like to singa.

it's strange and exciting and stressful to like someone so much again. i like it, but i'm scared for my grades. my liver, too. we were drinking last night. had it not been for natalie's encouragement and booze, matt and i never would have cuddled.

we were fairly chaste. the night's physicality started when i subtly put my hand next to his, with our pinkies touching. then they intertwined, and with a nod from natalie, i had the courage to hold his hand entirely. then there was an occasion or two when one of us had to go to the bathroom or get up to do something, but when we returned, so did our hands.

after a while, natalie fell asleep, and i stayed up with the guys, but then i drifted off, too. they were being somewhat loud, so i listened to a couple of things before fading. but then i was re-awakened (thank goodness) when he joined me. we cuddled in a few different positions, talked about our parents and upbringing and how many people from high school still went to school with us.

there was a lot of rearranging and petting of innocent areas like shoulders and faces and necks. okay, so maybe those weren't all "innocent" places.

anyway, i was itching to kiss him. i had gone to the bathroom earlier and tried to get my mouth clean, but without much luck. when i came back, he had brushed his teeth, and i commented on it. i've read that a first kiss shouldn't be with tongue, to i gave him a quick closed mouth kiss on the mouth. i can't really remember what happened there, but i think he wasn't prepared for it. i think he had his mouth open...but i don't think he pulled away, which is what matters. i can't quite remember now what happened exactly.

later when we woke up (it was around noon, and we hit the sack at around 6 a.m., i'm guessing), there was more cuddling, and he started putting his hands near my breasts. i thought he didn't know what he was doing until later, when he started massaging them gently. then i knew better, and i loved it more. i'm accustomed to large, firm squeezes, but the way he handled them was so sweet. i was afraid it wouldn't turn me on much, but then it ended up working, as it was like being teased--any vigorous/aggressive movement was amplified and unexpected, delicious and impatient for more.

in the morning, i could feel a bit of hair coming through his face. his five o'clock wonderful.

matt n. matt n. matt n. i like saying his name.

nighttime - sunday, Feb. 17, 2008


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- sunday, Feb. 10, 2008


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