backyard crowing


the birth of MENSIES!

I am decidedly bummed that no one has called me about movie night. I texted Natalie, but nothing. No. Thing. I think it's because I asked whether Sara was invited. Otherwise, I might still be "in." I'm quite annoyed at the whole situation. Why am I not there? Geez. Matt may be asleep, the whole thing may not be going on, but what if it is?

What if it is and the joke's on me? And they were just using me for alcohol? Or Matt wasn't into me at all? Or now that I'm a bit annoyed that Sara isn't invited to everything, I'm going to be exiled? Did Matt tell them not to invite me because he doesn't like me? Because he's too tired? Because it's 3:18 a.m.? I'd at least like to know why I'm not invited, or that it's not happening, or that he doesn't like me. I hate their guessing games.

Please say this isn't happening to me. It's so high school. Junior high, even.

Why am I not being told what's up? I walked by Nat and Sara's room at 2 a.m. and heard noises. Then at three, nothing. And I know Natalie got my text message--she has responded quickly to all of my other ones. I've sent her at least three, and like I said--NO delay. I'm just trying to be a good friend to Sara.

I guess it's best if in the end the quadruplet goes to hell and I end up tighter with Sara, the girl who introduced me to them.

But I don't want to give him up, not yet. He and Sara are the only reason I hang out with that group. Nat & Ceej are great and all, but I'm there for the chance to chill with Matt. Sound desperate? It is, I suppose.

I think maybe I should let go. Accept defeat, whatever. I'm just dissapointed that I stopped dating two guys to get with him when he clearly isn't showing any interest.

Patch called tonight. He's lonely too, evidently, and has said so. He invited me to do something tommorow, which is nice but totally bogus when you look at my weekend schedule.

My weekend:

-Friday - Pizza and the movie night that either didn't happen or I'm not invited to

-Saturday - Mall with Abbie in the morning and later at night something with Leslee OR if I'm mean I'll cancel and do something with the posse

-Sunday - I don't know. Studying I guess, finally. I was hoping maybe Matt time if we hit it off?

So anyway, I couldn't fit Patch in if I wanted to. But he's lonely. Ugh. I would sort of like to chill with him, but then we all know what happened last time. We started macking on each other like a couple of regular...lonely people. But I shouldn't get back together with him again. I need to review my list of why I broke up with him again, and pull out the guilty feelings I had when I had to tell him I was wrong for kissing him when I didn't want to get back together. Then, when I kissed him I remember thinking about saying, "Why did I break up with you?"

In the moment, is it sometimes impossible to not think these things? His lips were so warm and welcoming. But only because I was intoxicated and he had shaved. He still kissed the same way, without licking his lips. Of course I licked his lips for him, but honestly, that gets older than dirt after awhile.

My dad will probably call tommorow and want to do computer things. Where does my time go? To all these people, I swear. And I love them, I do, but how do I improve my grades with them swarming around?

I should feel blessed to have so much going on, so many friends. And I do. Sometimes I just don't know where to begin and how to cope with all my schoolwork.

I've come a long way since my comparatively anti-social ways of high school. I was terrified of guys then, and to some extent I still am, but it's a different kind of terrified.

Now I'm afraid I'll end up without one, or with one.

Wait...maybe it is the same kind of terrified. Only now I'm more willing to make a move, which is both a positive and a negative at the same time. On the bright side, I can make it somewhat known that I'm interested. On the dark side, I can take this too far and scare the mensies off. And that, ladies and gentlemen, should be my new term.


I just looked that up in the urban dictionary. Turns out it's slang for menstration. :) TOTALLY my new word for men, then!

3:55 am - Saturday, Mar. 22, 2008


lovesounds - futuresex


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