backyard crowing


great expectations

Hi, diary.

I'm going on a blind date with a guy named Nick today, I'll let you know later how it went. Abbie called one of her military Mikes (she knows three) and they agreed to go have drinks with us. I'm excited, I suppose. But I'm a bit sick of the whole dating scene, and thinking, "maybe he'll be the one!" before every date. Perhaps I should lessen my expectations, and just chill. It's difficult when all I've had is a string of one-month "relationships" to go on. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with other people?

Abbie has said she knows Mike isn't the one, and she has said Nick is awesome, and she's jealous. I have a feeling that though she did this to benefit me, I'm going to end up screwed in the end. I have to make sure I don't go to the bathroom until I've flirted extensively with him, and that I talk a lot and in a funny manner. I've never been great at that.

Sometimes I wonder why she's my best friend. I can't even trust her in these situations. But I love her, and I tell her that...I need a new, now. And one without my parents in the picture. Unfortunately summer means I am Harry Potter, wishing I were somewhere else.

Why do I submit myself to her crap? I hate that I become invisible when she's in the room. I love her presence, but I just wish I wasn't so jealous, and I wish she (and I) craved guy attention less. I wish she would have apologized for that night at the Omni, and I wish I would have confronted her about it...she stole a guy from me like it was nothing. Of course, we never saw those guys again (they were on vacation), but still...give a girl a chance! I know I'm less attractive than her, physically and socially, but...I don't know. I blame the men, as well. In superficial situations, they become even more superficial.

I know the reason why she shortened tonight's group date was because of one of these factors:

a) she wants to avoid stealing my guy--the shorter the date, the less likely she is to steal him away

b) she doesn't like Mike and knows he's not the one, so she doesn't want to lead him on--she says this'll be the last night we see these guys, but if I get on with Nick and we switch numbers, who's to say we'll part right away? I won't. Just because SHE can't reject/dump a guy does NOT mean that I'm going to forget Nick forever to spare her the trouble. Here I go again, with my great expectations...

c) she wants to make a great impression on these guys, make out with them and leave them wanting more. The problem here is that though I want to make out and get out as well, I probably won't have the guts to do so.

I'm so stressed I don't know where to begin--I'm ignoring my responsibilities because to face them would be devastating. I'm destroying my life, one semester at a time. Sometimes, I sicken myself.


I just want a guy who...

-is independent

-treats me well, makes me feel special, calls me, asks me out, pays 60% or more of the time

-doesn't do drugs, but does drink

-wants to move to NY with me

-has some knowledge of music, so we can trade

-likes artsy-fartsy things

-is outgoing

-will defend me when my parents strike

-will tell me if I'm mistreating him/anyone, but in a respectful way

-wants the relationship to last, at least for a few months

-doesn't work out too much (because hell, I don't)

-won't say things like, "You let yourself go" after we've been together for awhile

-will cuddle and listen to music with me

-won't pressure me into sex

-will look into my eyes

-will be affectionate

-won't push a religion on me, but will make me want to be a better person (cliche, I know, but whatever)

-wants 1 or 2 children, but no more

-will make me laugh (but he doesn't have to be a comedian, that's asking too much)

-won't laugh at things I like

-will forgive me (because everyone messes up) and not hold a grudge

-will apologize

-will offer to pay for something of mine if he breaks it

-doesn't curse or yell directly at me (except if it's in bed :D)

-will talk a lot, but also listen well

-will care about me and what I have to say

-won't be a complainer

-will take care of me, and visit me if I'm in the hospital

-will tell me (kindly) to take care of my body and not drink/eat too much, and will take care of himself as well

-if we get married, hug and kiss me everyday

-will be open to experimentation in bed once we start having sex, and will tell me if he's not comfortable with certain acts

-will understand if I don't want to do something in bed, and not hassle me about it

-will read what I write and give me honest critiques

-will be OK with me if all I ever do is bartend, will be OK with me if I become a prominent writer/journalist

-encourage me! believe in me! will not assume that just because I've messed up a lot in the past, doesn't mean I can't improve in the future!

-it would be nice if he would sing with me...but that's not a must!

-will share the cooking/cleaning/childcare load equally with me if we get married

-will not leave me if I'm barren or I become a parapalegic

-will want to travel, and be adventurous!

-will understand that I NEVER want to be a stay-at-home mom/wife

-will tell me I'm pretty (vain, but whatever)

-won't cheat! HELL-O!

-will do his absolute best to not look at other women, especially when I'm present

-won't interrupt me when I'm talking, at least not most of the time

-will sometimes think I'm funny, even when I don't mean to be

-will get butterflies/will make me get butterflies even after years of knowing each other

-will be pro gay marriage and pro-choice

-will believe that love can last

-won't be so turned off by the fact that my parents are divorced that he leaves me

-won't automatically assume that because my mother is overweight, I will be too when I'm her age

-will have a little bit of contempt (but also lots of respect) for elders

-won't cheat/leave me if I gain weight/get old (gravity happens to everyone)

-will love me

- saturday, Apr. 26, 2008


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