backyard crowing
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this is my refuge
Steve: "You didn't want her to get hurt, so you yelled at her?"
Miranda: "Yeah..."
Steve: "Sounds about par."
I like to think this justifies my not wanting my mother to yell at me for failing out of college.
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I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here, and
Tell me, "I told you so."
-Sarah McLachlan
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I guess the "letting everyone down process" happened this way...
1. Let down your classmates
2. Let down your professors and TAs
3. Let down your parents
4. Let down your friends
5. Let down your relatives
I've done the first two, the remaining three are sure to follow. I don't want to screw my friends over, though, but I'm failing in part because of them. I'm too nice. I give them too much of my time.
It's crazy how much people want to hang out...my schedule is never the same as my friends's, and yet I almost always say 'yes' if they want to go do something. Why do I do that? Is it because I never had a social life in high school? Because I'm avoiding schoolwork? Because I'm depressed and need company? Because I feel I owe them something, namely my time, and often money? All of the above are true, I believe...
I just want to go swimming, I think that would relax me and make me forget. The vitamin d couldn't hurt, either.
I can't believe Quarterlife ended. I know it wasn't the most quality programming, but it reminded me of myself right now. I'm again sure that I'm about to become someone else soon. Every semester I get scared out of my mind that I'll fail. Now it's true...
I think I need to see Trainspotting. And It's A Wonderful Life. Dad gave me the latter...I read that in the movie a guy who wants to commit suicide encounters an angel who convinces him to spare his life. And I thought it was a Christmas movie? Perhaps it is.
I saw Better Off Dead, and though it was a comedy it was nowhere near as emotional as I needed it to be. I still like John Cusack, I just...it's not the movie I needed. I saw most of Love, Liza but then had to turn it in. I think I'll re-rent it...and then there's The Hours, which should be good considering it stars Nicole Kidman and I believe it's about Sylvia Plath. I ought to read The Bell Jar, too.
Seeing/reading suicidal media makes me feel less alone. Like there are people like me, and some of them overcome, and some don't.
What's encouraging is that most people live through their depression. That's what one website says, anyway...
Elton John has a couple of suicide related songs, both of them which are amazing:
Better Off Dead
I Think I'm Gonna Kill Myself
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A couple of days ago I was walking down the drag and I actually thought briefly about jumping in front of an FA bus. What's totally sad about that is...it's the most cliche thing I think I've ever felt.
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I'd love to research suicide. Well, I do already. But as a profession, I mean. Psychology wouldn't have been such a bad major for me. RTF, neither...and I've heard plenty of Psch majors transfer over to RTF. Apparently it's some weird trend. RTF people are slighly psycho? Sure, okay, I believe that. :) I think my old photojournalism prof would agree, too, he was always teasing the people with the funky pictures.
My first roommate at UT was a psych major gone RTF. I wonder what happened to her. I heard she dropped out because she got a good job and the money was running out. She was always fairly frugal, if I remember right...maybe that's why she didn't like me.
I could stand to be a little more frugal...nevermind that, a LOT more frugal.
I'm sad, I'm tired, and I don't know whether to care how Nate feels about me.
I need to call Abbie...she called me earlier today.
Oh geez, and pick up my prize!!! I won a $50 gift certificate to the Pecan St. Fest this weekend from the show Subtext!
And I've a care package to pick up! Dang...for someone who's suicidal, I'm a fortunate woman.
Leslee seemed less angry with me today, thank goodness. I think she "told" on me. It's okay though, I mean, I deserve it, 100%.
I can't wait to just go to work everyday. It will be refreshing...and then mind bogglingly difficult, since I haven't done it in 6-7 months. I hope I get a cushy office job, or at least something in retail. I wouldn't mind working someplace like Torrid, for example--or even just the mail center at my dorm.
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To be honest with you, I think sometimes this journal really keeps me going. Just knowing I have somewhere to vent is a relief. It's like I'm this person with a blog, and...oh, how do I say this eloquently?
No matter how far I fall, I'll always have it. This is one thing I can depend on, even when I can't depend on myself.
I can't control how my parents, relatives, friends, profs, and classmates react to my failing out of school...but this place will always be here for me, an empty page to just ravish with whatever the hell's happening to me.
And it's a hell of a lot more healthy than cutting or drinking or killing myself.
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"Things fall apart, and we put them back together."
-Imaginary Heroes
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"Life is a long lesson in humility."
-James M. Barrie
9:00 pm - Friday, May. 02, 2008
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