backyard crowing


to be loved

"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds."

it's interesting that i go through periods of wanting to know all about depression and then other times when it's the last thing i want to think about. like yesterday, when i looked 'suicide' up on wikipedia again and explored more about the VA tech occurrence and John Lennon's death.

also, i saw Chapter 27 the other day at the Dobie.

i was on the bus today and saw david. i hadn't cried yet that day. anyway, this is the nice david, the one who directed the play i did tech stuff for a few semesters ago. he is a great person.

he said as soon as he came up to me that i looked sad. i told him my grades weren't very good, and changed the subject as soon as i could to his graduate work. he's almost to doctoral status, and i'm glad for him. he always treated people well, he was kind and funny and another one of those kooky french teachers you don't forget.

then i went to see Winnie*, my academic advisor. I now have three people like this:

1. Tara, a counselor (she's there to hear about my inner craziness)
2. Katie, a peer mentor (she gives me advice on study skills)
3. Winnie, an academic advisor (she helps me register for classes, etc.)

Winnie was amazing. I see now why some people want to become academic advisors. i always thought that students came to these people with nothing but schedule issues, despite their background in psychology. it always seemed to me that their psychology classes were useless to them, and to me, that's a shame.

so says the girl who has never taken a psychology course!

So Winnie told me I was not alone, that there were students who could not get out of the bed in the morning, and that the people at the mental health center could help, and so could she. She hinted at thinking maybe i was depressed, which was a relief. I would like people to know what's going on.

I'm starting to see why people are mean, or why they just look mean, because I'm one of them now. I'm more aware of the fact that I walk around with my eyebrows furrowed most of the time and my eyes pointing to the ground. And of course my back has almost always hunched. with these dark circles under my eyes, i'm sure i'm surprisingly sinister.

Winnie and i discussed what i would do next semester. i'm thinking either i'll take a few semesters off and pay my student loan off or i guess stay here, as my mom wants.

Winnie said all the right things, and i get the feeling she likes this part of her job, helping students in a direct way rather than just saying, "yeah, okay, i can get you into Math 328." I would like that part too, if i were her.

the good news is that the online course won't count against me, it just ended up being a waste of money, that's all.

mom asked me if i had been drinking. i told her yes, but not what i thought was too much. i know i drink too much, i have backed off though somewhat. i want to back off more, and living with dad this summer should help that tremendously. i feel a tad uncomfortable drinking with him, let alone getting drunk with him, which i've never done. i start making out with people when i get drunk, so i never want to lose my cool if the rents are around, that's creepy.

anyway i have a bottle of wine in the fridge and i was thinking about draining it just so i don't have to worry about it. or perhaps i could share it with abbie tommorow, since that's the last day i'll be able to see her until august and that's certainly a reason to ...well, certainly not celebrate, but at least drink. anyway, they say that familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, so summers are a good thing for us, ultimately.

i'm relieved that mom isn't freaking out on me an enormous amount. she's sad, but she's more concerned than disappointed, which alone is a load off my shoulders. i don't want to disappoint her, and i wish this stuff wasn't happening, that I could say it wasn't and not be lying.

i fear that people won't take me seriously, that they'll laugh and think i have 'bourgeoisie problems.' which...i do, but then anyone can get depression.

nathan said the other day that 'a lot of people would kill to go to this kickass school, it's such an opportunity.' and he's right, but these kinds of words never really comforted me. i'm not ungrateful, i just don't know that my place is here.


"to be loved"
by: curtis stigers

Mind your manners
Watch your weight
Be a good boy
Just behave
What's wrong with you?
Settle down.
Keep your two feet on the ground.
Stand up straight
Sit up tall
Never falter
Never fall
Stay in school
Make the grade
Never fail
And never fade

Be a hero
Be a star
Anything but what you are
Find a girl to possess
Always pay, pursue, protect
Be a master
Be a slave
Work your ass into an early grave

But you deserve to be loved
You deserve something real
Time to heal
Time to feel

Daddy's favorite little girl
Dress up in your momma's pearls
Serve us breakfast in her bed
Heard a little kiss on the forehead
You are sugar
You are spice
You are growing up so nice
Paint your nails
Paint your face
Paint around the empty space

Find a man that can provide
Try and fill the hole inside
With a family and a home
Tell yourself you're not alone
Keep your memories of yourself
In a shoebox on a closet shelf

But you deserve to be loved
You deserve something real
Time to heal
Time to feel

But you deserve to be loved
You deserve something real
Time to heal
Time to feel

You deserve to be loved
You deserve to be loved
You deserve to be loved

- Friday, May. 9, 2008


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